We went to church this past Easter Sunday. It was really lovely, the cherry blossoms were blooming, the girls looked like they just stumbled right out of a Janie & Jack ad, P & I sat in service & held hands. If I had seen our family when I was a teenager I would’ve had to change shirts from all the envious drool. This was exactly what I always fantasized about. The part I didn’t envision was where later that night P & I would get into yet another argument & end up sleeping in separate bedrooms.
No one tells you that part.
Later that night as I was sitting on the couch in the dark, wiping my nose on my sleeve because really, at this point, who the heck cares, my mind started to get overwhelmed with the confusion as to why is this happening to me. How can my family seem so utterly perfect in the morning & not even 24 hrs later be this horrible dysfunctional unit. Am I the only person living such a double life?
The next day I was chatting with a friend & thank goodness she was willing to be completely honest & admit that her life isn’t as it seems either. She & her husband aren’t necessarily ‘in love’ right now & it sucks. That’s when I started to go through all of the different couples I know who have young children & I swear to you I could not come up with a single one I knew who had a great, stable marriage. In fact, I know plenty who look like the epitome of the American family unit but behind closed doors are constantly teetering on the edge of divorce. Either that or they just keep going through the motions of day to day life while they’re actually wasting away in a loveless marriage because they’ve resolved to stop trying.
I have this fantasy in my head about going to back to that church service & looking around at all the beautiful people in their Sunday best however this time they would each have a sign around their neck that tells what their true reality is.
“Cries most nights”
“Starts drinking at 4pm”
“Never has sex”
“Cheater”
“Hasn’t really spoken to spouse in months”
I wouldn’t want to see all of these people’s truths so that I can judge them. Quite the opposite. If only we weren’t so ashamed of admitting what our lives are really like than maybe we could actually define a new sense of what’s normal. Maybe if I can admit that right now is one of the hardest times in my life then perhaps someone else wouldn’t think that they their marriage must be doomed because they’re going through some dark days, months, maybe even years of a ‘rough patch’ with their partner. Or maybe just a rough patch with themselves.
We’ve created a culture where we so dwell on portraying ourselves as being these perfect in love people who inevitably shoot themselves in the foot because it’s a standard that’s not realistic. Your spouse will not always laugh off your bad traits like Ryan Gosling does in The Notebook. He will get annoyed with you & possibly even bitter & resentful. Because that’s what happens when you live with someone day in & day out. That’s what happens when your small children who you love dearly suck the life out of you & you have nothing left to offer each other. Often we treat those closest to us with the least amount of caring & respect because we assume that they’ll always be there & unfortunately it comes at a cost.
Now I’m not saying that we should justify treating each other badly or giving up on “trying” because it’s hard for everyone, I’m saying that if we could just be more honest with one another then maybe that support could give us the strength to keep going. Maybe if Julie down the street admits that yes, every Friday night you see her & her little family drive their minivan out for pizza together but also after everyone goes to bed Jim stays up looking at ‘hot lesbian hispanic porn’ then you won’t judge your life so hard for not being quite perfect either.
To be an actual doer of what I’m suggesting I’m going to start with myself.
I live a very public life that could easily be something others perceive of as ideal. My husband has a glamorous job & often talks about the antics of his lovingly crazy family. You then see my blog & how my daughter & I make crafts together & I serve healthy, homemade meals around our warm selvaged wood vintage dining table. How freaking lovely. No my friend, not at all. I love my husband with all my heart, he is a good, no great, man. HOWEVER, we’ve been through the ringer.
We have 2 small children & are living life in day to day survival mode. It is hard, monotonous, exhausting & often very lonely in my house. My point however, & this is the part I really want to get across so listen up, is that IT IS OK that things are less than great at times. It is a part of life that is to be expected. Things will go up & then back down, we will fall in & out of love, we will be great parents & crappy ones, lovers & fighters…this is what I’m going to resolve to believe because this is my life. But I have a hunch it’s yours too. So what do you say we stop beating ourselves up for our current situations being less than ideal & instead help pull one another through it by being transparent.
Your turn, what’s your reality?
I love this post. This is reality, the truth, the thick of it. And that’s just the way it is, except no one tells you that growing up. There are moments, when I hate my husband, but I love him at the same time. Having children is hard, especially when you’ve had a rough month with illness. Having a full time job is hard, especially when it comes with early hours. Being a SAHM is hard. It’s all hard. But if you close your eyes and think about tomorrow and you still picture your spouse there, that’s what counts. I would rather fight with mine like it’s WW III and still wake up the next day and be married to him, then that keeps me going. The things we dreamed about in high school as we scrawled our married names in a notebook 6,000 times just isn’t the truth of the world. Some moments you HATE your life, but your still grateful for it.
Well said Mary, well said indeed.
My favorite is “But if you close your eyes & think about tomorrow & you still picture your spouse there, then that’s what counts”
It’s so true.
I. Love. This. Post. I mean really this is reality and the reason so many of us have so many problems is because we look around and think that we are supposed to be perfect and if we aren’t, then we have failed. I love my husband with all my heart but of course there are moments where we fight and argue and realize that to keep it going we have to compromise and really work to make the relationship work. It’s not what’s on tv, it’s not what’s in the books – it’s real hard work. And if more people were honest about that then we all would probably realize what it takes to have a good relationship.
EXACTLY.
Wow! You’ve hit home with this one! I’ve actually been feeling like this for quite sometime. As I was reading your blog, it hit me! You are right. Why isn’t my life perfect or how I imagined? Things get rough sometimes, although I adore my husband, sometimes I want him far far away, in another planet suck in a dungeon. Haha, but it’s true. I think every marriages goes through stages, being extremely in love, hating each other, sex or no sex, good and bad parenting, but it is a part of life. We can either be strong and endure life’s wonderful rollercoaster or give up and have nothing to show for it.
Welcome to reality,huh?
Thank you for this post, I really felt crappy until I read this 🙂
You’re so welcome. Thank you for commenting Christa, the beautiful reward from ‘putting it all out there’ is finding out that it helped someone else. Thankyou. (:
Well, Natasha
We all dream with living happily ever after but then reallity hits you, i am in the same situation and i dont know what else to say, but we are mothers and we have to do whats best for our children even if this means not being happy at all. Life is like that otherwise we will get board of being truly happy everyday. God luck!
On the outside I live the perfect suburban life with my son and husband in a 3000+ sqft house in an upscale neighborhood where my family regularly takes walks in the park. We have a full-time in-home nanny who cares for our son, does our laundry, and cooks our meals. We also have a housekeeper and a guy who picks up dog poop in our yard. We drive a luxury SUV with no car payments. It all sounds perfect and glamorous, right? Enter PPD: that mean bitch who takes over your life, makes you the person you never wanted to be, and tries to destroy your relationship with your husband. After 8 terrible months with PPD, I have no idea how he is still by my side. I hid the PPD from nearly everyone except my closest friends and family. I lived in my own internal hell, and I drug my husband through the fire with me. No sex. Bossy pants. Mega bitch with a capital “B”. Thankfully I sought professional help. The medication I take has worked wonders, and I was able to talk through everything that happened with my husband. We are in a great place in our relationship now, but I look back on those months after my son was born and feel a lot of disappointment in myself. I know there will be more trying times to come with more kids and more chaos, but I hope to never lose sight of the strong, loyal, and passionate man I have by my side.
What an honest, truthful comment. Thank you so much for sharing Michelle! Seriously, thank you!!
Isn’t it funny how most people look around and think everyone else has a perfect life. I question my marriage all the time. I love my husband. He is a GREAT father but not the best husband anymore. Sometimes its like we live together but are on different paths. I watched fireproof and started doing the love dare but I became bitter because I was the only one helping our marriage. In front of our son we are happy, go lucky. He goes to bed and the gloves come off. We sleep in separate beds and fight more than we don’t. It’s hard. I feel you! Good luck! I think it may be a little harder for someone like you because of your husbands job some of your issues may come up on air and then everyone knows them. But I love this post. More people need to be real. For the longest time I wondered what I did wrong that I didn’t have the perfect marriage all my friends have. Now we talk about it and no one has a perfect marriage. Marriage is work. <3
Yes. Is it really, really creepy to say that with each and every post of yours, I realize we have so many similarities and I want to be your friend? So, in all seriousness… I had the same experience one day in church, after a particularly horrible fight between my hubby and me. We were holding hands, our adorable little girl was leaned up against me (but looked more like a Gymboree model as opposed to a Janie and Jack one), and I was thinking that we must look like the ideal little family unit. And I remember thinking, “If only people really knew.” Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I are in a “stable” marriage, in that we both acknowledge that marriage is hard and requires work, and both of us are motivated to make it work. But. We rarely have sex. At this point, I think we’re both just too exhausted to. We sleep in separate rooms most nights – because we both sleep best alone, and at this stage, good quality sleep is more important to us. He is a workaholic, and it is paying a huge toll on our marriage. And, if I’m being completely honest, I sometimes wonder what life would have been like with a different partner. The only thing that truly makes me feel better is talks with girlfriends who aren’t afraid to be honest and transparent… realizing that appearances are deceiving across the board makes me realize that maybe my own reality isn’t that bad.
I agree!! People need to be more transparent. I’m single but it drives me NUTS how so many marriages make everything appear so perfect and easy. I know it’s not!! In my childhood days, i was very much aware of what was going on around me. I’ve seen my parents argue, my dad was sometimes inpatient with my brother and I or sometimes in a bad mood but when we were out in public my parents always made our family appear as this “perfect” family. As my brother and I got older, we made mistakes. We were able to break that chain of perfection and let everyone see that “my family has flaws too”. I’m so glad you blogged about this. I honestly thought at first that this was a “hispanic culture” issue. Love your Blogs!!!
I was previously married to a man that sat in his room on his days off playing video games. Mind you he worked 6 days a week and just liked to relax. I was younger and it bothered me. I wanted a hands on husband that fit my perfect postcard of family and spending quality time with us. We married young and drifted apart as we grew up. Sadly we divorced and our daughter was thrust into a sad reality of joint custody. It breaks our heart when we see her cry because she said “she always misses one of us.” After my divorce I started dating another man that treated me wonderful. He always spent time with us, and we had family outings all of the time. As an added bonus he loved being affectionate. (I was lacking affection in my marriage) Fast forward one year: he is addicted to technology. (Computer games to be exact!!), we no longer spend time together, and we don’t ever touch. Point of the story: The grass is not greener on the other side. Work through the issues you have and keep working at it. Nothing is ever what it seems.
Natasha I applaud your honesty! I feel so sad when I think back on how I pictured my life…… This is not what I imagined at all.
Hey Natasha, It seems that we all have difficulties in our marriage and with children its harder to through the towel and forget everything. I am to the point in my marriage where I stay together for the kids. I was raised in a household where both of my parents were present and that is all I know. Life takes different turns some days I love my husband more then anything in the world and others I wonder why did I marry him. We all seem to want true happiness and to everyone that may be different. But I know one thing that we all deserve respect and love.
My husbnad mentioned to me one day, you pay more attention to the kids them me, I told him, “your a grown man and we have these two little boys that I want to raise to the most incredible men.”
Tsally,
I know exactly how you feel. I was previously married and always felt the grass was greener. We were married two years and I could never get off that mindset that with someone else things would be different. Now that I am in a new relationship but I know I will always have that wistful thought of- I wish I had toughed it out
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I honestly feel that everyone does live this life off a magazine cover and I’m the only one going crazy at times. It’s so nice to hear that reality is just about the same for us all.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I can imagine it must be hard to put it all out there but I am so grateful that you did. It really is soul soothing to read and see that I’m not alone in my reality, that marriage is truly hard and not happiness and light all the time. Sometimes it’s the little things, sometimes it’s the big ones. This week it has been the little things. I have been “discussing” with my husband that I would like for him to put his diry dishes IN the dishwasher not in the sink. I cook, I clean, I do the laundry (and work full time) – you CAN move dishes from sink to dishwasher – I know you can do it!! So last night I came home from work and low and behold there were his lunch/snack dishes in the sink and I snapped. I carried every bowl, cup, spoon and fork from that sink and deposited them (dirty and wet) into his favorite chair in his “man room”. They stayed there until he got home and quietly put them into the dishwasher…LOL
I don’t know about you, but none of my fairy princess story books when I was a kid had the part where the prince was incapable of cleaning up after himself….LOL
In the grand scheme of things, a few dishes in the sink are no big deal, but the larger point is that do I feel loved? cherished? when I ask him to do something like that and he ignores me? No – does that make our marriage stronger? Nope – Does the neighbors husband do the same thing? Good question.
My favorite quotes from my favorite book Middlemarch by Eliot is “marriage can be awful in the nearness that it brings.” Year five was my husband and my most difficult year. It was so difficult that i was looking for an apartment to move myself and two daughters into. It was so awful and lonely. We fought constantly and were unbelievably miserable. Our schedules were partially to blame, but our laziness and overwhelmedness were the largest part. I had no idea how difficult marriage would be. I knew it wasn’t a fairy tale. My parents had/have a miserable one and I vowed I’d never get married or, if I did, we’d never be like that. Year five made me feel like a failure. Somehow, we got through it and we’re in year ten. I think “in love” goes away, but love stays, when invited. Once divorce becomes an option, it is always an option. Marriage counseling helps, but so does getting to the end of the marital rope and finding the one thing that keeps you both hanging on. I am so sad to hear of your pain and loneliness. I hope you find peace and happiness together.
Our reality now is that we are very poor, have a fourth child on the way, he’s in p.a. school, his mother has a mental illness that has horribly affected all of us and we choose to cut off contact until she gets the help she needs (she’s a danger to herself and others), and we get so much guilt from his family for choosing to be healthy and not enable her. I worry about my kids and I just want us all to be happy. Sometimes I think God has forgotten about us.
Oops. “My favorite *quote*.” Egads.
God has not forgotten you and He never will. That is a promise you can always count on.
Yup! We’re right there with you. Last year, i was seriously concerned and wondering when and how our marriage would end. We were constantly bickering and at each others throats. Always miserable and stressed. (We also have two little girls just 16 mo apart) From the outside, we seemed like the perfect lovely couple but in our home each night was a nightmare. It was like, “why are we together if we make each other so unhappy?” I started reading “The Seven Principles that make a Marriage Work” and it was an instant eye opener. We needed to do something fast, bc our marriage was not headed in a good direction and ultimately i did, i do love my husband and i did want to make it work, and so did he. We just needed help to get back to the place we were before. After doing some research, i found a Gottman workshop near our home in the DC/Baltimore area. I took it as a sign and begged my husband (who hates touchy feely emotional stuff) to participate. I think it’s literally saved our marriage and he actually really enjoyed it, bc it was not touchy feely sharing therapy stuff. It was more like a class; an introspective workshop. http://bestcouplestherapy.com/GottmanCouplesWorkshopsMarch31April12012July782012November342012.en.html
We now live in Florida again, and are a lot happier because of that. VA was just not for us. We really struggled with Seasonal Affective Disorder (self-diagnosis; lol) and just building roots there. Though we still have our struggles, we’re much better at working through them. Our fights are not as “ugly” as they used to be. They’re actually a lot more productive now and less mean & hurtful. We are “friends” again and have more positives to keep us going when we hit the negatives. Some things will never change though and we’re learning to work through that; though hard as it is. He’s still a workaholic. I’m thankful for his hard work because it provides me with the opportunity to SAH with my girls. His work has enabled us to live in a nice house with nice things, but….it also means that most nights, i’m alone. Yea, he’ll sit on the couch with me, but his face and hands are glued to his laptop. Most nights, days and weekends he’s stressed bc of all the work he has to do. Most weekends he’s torn between family time and work. Every weekend he’ll pick family time over work, but then he’s cranky, stressed out and just plain miserable thinking about his unfinished work projects. Which makes me grumpy and miserable too because i feel like he resents us. Though he really doesn’t….i just take it personally. Clearly, my own issues & insecurities.
So yeah….we’re right there with you. Though things have gotten better, we still have our moments.
{{hugs}}
Every. Word. True. Married almost 16 years. 2 healthy, beautiful, smart kids that behave ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY – everywhere except for home. There’s yelling, fighting, and tons of unpleasantness (is that a word?) There’s cynicism and pessimism. There’s less sex. But we are so blessed, lucky, and maybe even undeserving. I try really hard to impart how lucky we are on a daily basis, when I’m not losing my temper, to the whole family. Some things get easier, some get more difficult. We’re just trying to stay afloat and cherish the gifts we’ve been given. 🙂
Hmmm, I like how you threw ‘undeserving’ in there too…it’s true. And puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?
Thanks for sharing (:
I am SO happy to see your post. I do not take any pleasure in knowing someone else’s life is not perfect when I originally thought it was. But, you are so right on! Sometimes you just wanna scream out to others that you are drowning and need help! My husband just told me a month ago that he does not love me anymore. OUCH! We have a beautiful daughter together. We’ve had our up’s and down’s and had counseling. To me, I thought we were moving in the right direction and things were looking up. Then BAM! Yea, we look like one happy family but when you peel back, we have some deep issues. My husband has agreed to commit to his family and work on our issues to see if we can get the love back. I am not going to lie, it takes everything in me to keep on trying when I constantly have the words running through my head, “I don’t love you.” It sucks. I do appreciate your honesty, Natasha. If only everyone could be this honest. It helps to know we are not robots.
Natasha,
You continually amaze me with your honesty and strength. I fell into the trap of believing life was going to be a fairytale. I got married young, and had 3 children with the wrong man, and realized fairytales were not true. After 10 years, I was ready to reclaim “me.” I took my kids and left my horrible marriage and never looked back. My kids are stronger for it. I have since remarried and had another child with my current husband. He is not perfect, and neither am I. However, we both know that we love each other, and have gone through hell and back together. We survived his life altering spinal injury, near homelessness, my MS diagnosis, and exes. There were many times we were both ready to leave, but at the end of the day, our love keeps us together. There may be days when I can’t stand him, but I still love him. Nothing’s perfect, but now that I’m older, I think perfection sucks! Give me flawed any day. It’s way more interesting!
Thank you for putting this out there… it is sooo true. Life is not perfect!
OMG it is about time someone wrote something like this! Everywhere I look I see puppies and rainbows and I am the hot mess who slept in the guest room for almost a month straight because otherwise, I would almost definitely have killed my husband in his sleep. You are normal. We are all normal. We have our moments, good and bad, but we do our best to remember the good ones. The day I realized that my life was an utter and absolute mess was the day I started getting more “hooked” into the good than the bad. I only have on child, so I cannot even imagine! And I am only 27, which sometimes makes me go towards a downward spiral of “Am I really supposed to live the rest of my life like this?!” But then the little moments happen, when I see my husband and my daughter having a dance off, or he actually makes an effort and maybe does the dishes that day. It’s hard to remember why you fell in love with someone, especially with kids, but it is honestly those little moments that keep me going. That and wine 🙂 Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts!
I’m a married 25 (almost 26) year old, mom to three beautiful girls ages 5 months. 2 years and 5 years. I drive a minivan. I don’t work. I take my oldest to soccer and she goes to a private preschool. We live in a nice neighborhood in a 2 story house. When we’re out my girls are dressed to impress. Not a hair out of place. But you’ll hardly ever see us with my husband. When we’re at stores, or family get togethers it’s just me and the girls. Because he works ALL THE TIME to be able for me to stay home. For us to put our oldest in preschool. For me to drive that minivan. And most nights when he gets home it’s late and I’m passed out on the couch and that’s where I’ll stay till morning. We hardly have sex because I’m too tired when he gets home at 1 am. And on days he is off he is never home because he always has to do something for his dad or the house or….whatever. We’re committed to each other and love each other and know because we decided to have 3 children so young that this is how it’ll be for awhile…but I tell him all the time that even though we live in the same house we both live separate lives.
Thank you for this post. It’s so hard thinking you’re the only one with a less than perfect relationship. I find myself trying to think of why we can’t seem to make a relationship work in the same way everyone else does. Maybe it’s him, maybe it’s me, or maybe we had our daughter too young (22-2). After reading this post, I think maybe it’s everyone, they just don’t voice it the way you have. I feel like I can quit thinking about it, this is just reality. I’ll keep working through the tough times, and enjoying the good times. 🙂
love this love this love this. Well, not the trouble but the reality 🙂 It doesn’t help that I can be a bit….dramatic so at one point I thought maybe I was just exaggerating in my brain. I’m just here to say I’m with you. I have a wonderful husband but there are mometns when he’s just not listening or getting me that I think “how did we end up together”??? or when I’m just frusterated or exhausted or afraid.
Rigth there with you. Thank you for your honesty.
Although I tend to be a bit ‘dramatic’ as well so who knows…maybe we’re both just crazy!
Natasha,
This post could not possibly have more “divine intervention” – like timing! I am NOT a crier and I just had to bolt to the bathroom at work to hold in the tears. This one really hits home.
Just this time last week I had my bags packed and was in the car ready to take off for the stateline. I just could not deal with all of the fighting, yelling, tears and lonely feelings. They tell you the first couple years of marriage are the hardest but they never told me I would spend so many nights sleeping in another room. I have been borderline hysterical for the past few weeks, realizing that after the roughest year of our relationship, nothing was working. The person I love so much was just not meant to be, I thought. This was devastating and it took several screaming matches until we decide to try counseling for the third round in a year. Even so, my faith in its ability to help was dwindling because of the failed attempts prior.
There were times when I felt as though my stepchildren were what was keeping us together because I love them with truely all of my heart, and that is just such a god-awful feeling as well.
I cannot express how thankful I am for this. I have read site after site trying to find some kind of hope for this to work. I read your blog/listen to your husbands show, literally every day and have always admired both of your’s abilities to be so honest, open minded and realistic, yet always positive. But I never thought that you, of all people would have such a similar struggle. I suppose society really does a wonderful job of blinding you to the harsh reality of it all. Saying ” The first few years are the hardest” is a COMPLETE understatement. Especially when you add young children to the mix.
I am 99% of the time, one who always sees the positive light in ANYthing. But when we agreed to try counseling one more time I did not feel all that confident to be honest. This is the first time in a long while that I feel..”ok” about our marriage. And that is a huuuuuge step up. My attitude and outlook will be different, even if I have to force it to be.
..Thank you, so very much.
You are so so welcome! I guarantee you everyone has packed their bags and been one foot out the door. It’s only natural. But choosing to stay again and again, it’s exhausting but also kind of beautiful when you can look back and see how much you made it through…
Thank YOU so much for sharing too!
This post came at just the right time! My husband and I got into it last night at dinner over the stupidest things. At one point I just said “We just aren’t on the same page today”. Seems like we haven’t been on the same page for awhile now. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. We have 2 kids under the age of 4. We both are away from our kids 12 hours a day (stupid NOVA traffic) because of work. We come home exhausted and what little energy we have is spent with the kids before they have to go to bed. That leaves us (well, really me) with no energy for anything else. Our relationship has taken a toll and we definitely see it. We fight over the stupidest things and get annoyed over nothing. We may not be lovely-dovey all the time, but we do love each other. Our relationship may not be perfect to the world… but its perfect for me. Yes we have to put in a lot of work, and we don’t see the effects of it immediately, but I still love that man.
Thank you for opening up your can of worms — that takes a lot.
Natasha, your blog is such a breath of fresh air. I read countless other blogs that have pretty families that portray their life as perfect, when in fact in my head, I know they’re not, they’re human and have problems just like I do. But it is SO nice to read something real. I’ve only been married 1.5 years but have been with my husband for almost 9 years and I can totally identify with this post. All though we don’t have kids yet to add to the mix of our current busy lives I can already see that my future is going to look like your present. We don’t always get along, we don’t always communicate well, we sometimes sleep in separate bedrooms after a fight, we probably don’t have sex as much as we could or should but at the end of the day, I’m still glad we’re married and I don’t want to think about what life would be like without him. Like you said, I think we spend too much time looking at others and trying to make life like it “should be” instead of focusing on what life “is”. Life is hard, there are constant bumps in the road and things don’t usually go as planned. I’m trying hard to accept these facts and just face life one day at a time. We need more people like you in this world who are “real”, who have bad days, who fight with their husbands but in the end, are doing the best they can and really, that’s all that matters.
Thank you Dee, that’s a really great compliment. You sound just like the past us…
Very sincere post! Most us tend to put on our perfectly happy mask in public as we have been raised to live up to this ideal social persona, while in fact it is nearly impossible. Nothing is predictable in life and things don’t always go as planned. But our generation is more aware and observant of this and hopefully our children and future generations will grow up seeing things with transparency.
I wrote a post about relationships and love with a similar view. Check it out:
http://www.flowerofthemind.com/everybody-wants-to-love/
I love how you are so open and honest about your life. I am inching to the point of telling my current live in BF that we either get married or set a deadline ( I have one in my head) or not to waste my time. My concern with that is that he will marry me but then resent me for it. IDK what it is about men and marriage or maybe its hispanic men.
And yes you are right, not everyone’s life is perfect. Like you when I am in a large social gathering I often wonder what happens when people go home, do they also argue, bicker, fight? Am I the only one? My kids are no longer babies they are tweens doing their own thing but since he is my BF and not their father that also causes arguements and sometimes makes me wonder if I shoudl even deal with this but at then end of the day we love each other.
I read a quote that stated “ALL relationships go through stuff, but only real relationships GET through stuff”
I was 22 when I met my boyfriend. He was 30. I had no kids, finished school and got a good job. He had a great job and was a great bf and he also had custody of his 2 girls, now 13 and 11. Things were great but 6 months in things started to crumble. His ex started to interfere and would purposely not see the kids so he could not go out with me. I was close to ending it but then I was pregnant. I knew that I did love him so I told myself I owed it to our baby to give it a try. 2 years later our daughter is 10 months old. Ive gone from 0 Kids to 3. I’m 24 and ive been through a roller coaster of emotions. I’m a stay at home mom . There are days where I look at myself and wonder is this really my life. In the 2 years things between him and I have gotten really ugly
I realize that I do love him but our problems are way bigger then we can handle. Finances, baby mama drama, kid drama, my hormones, me accepting my new life, my new body and learning motherhood and how to balance it all, our relationship … trust, sex. It grew to be too much so now we are seeing a couples counselor. So far so good. I do love him so I want to make it work. Most importantly I owe it to our daughter. This is my life. I’m learning each day and I’m hoping that things will get better each day.
Thanks for writing this post.
Good for you Eva for realizing so much at such a young age. I don’t think I would’ve had your maturity to handle that situation when I was 24. And yes, you do owe it to your daughter to go to counseling and try everything you possibly can but you also owe it eachother…it can be fixed.
Natasha,
I don’t comment that often but I just have to say…amen. Thank you for putting this out there. I would be too scared to say it but I feel the exact same way as you. I love my husband but with 2 little girls who are 18 months apart sometimes after they are down I am so exhaused that I can’t even think about myself let alone my husband. I feel like this post could be coming from me so I have to say thanks again for letting me know that it is ok not to be perfect. I hope you have a good day today.
Much Love,
Erin
You are welcome! It’s nice to not be alone isn’t it? Comments like yours certainly make me feel better. (:
Hey hon, love your post. We talk about this so often. Obviously didn’t end so well for me, and it does help to hear that this is really normal. However, it also makes me never want to get married again. Is that horrible? I hope that passes….probably just too early for me to feel differently or to have faith in marriage and love. xoxoxoxo Meg
Of course it’s not horrible. It’s completely natural that you’d be scared! It’s really hard and you got burned bad…when it’s right you’ll know, and feel good about it. You have something amazing just on the horizon…I know it! But in the meantime a few beers together wouldn’t hurt (:
yes pleeeeez and a night at the melting pot where at least the waiter boosts my ego lol. let’s do it girly!!! and i promise you won’t have to carry me out of the car this time….. kind of.
The one piece of marriage advice my god mother gave me before I got married, was that marriage is a FULL time job, she said it will be a lot of work. I laughed when she said this, because she and her husband were older and had been married a really long time, so maybe for them it was. My husband and I are young, we have 2 beautiful boys we have a lovely home, big yard, 1 dog. We attend church. My husband works and I stay home, the epitome of the good ‘ol American life. Now, I can’t say anything bad right now, things are going well, and I have no complaints.
Rewind 5 years ago, and that was a WHOLE different story. We had just been married over a year when our 1st baby was born. As new parents we were over the moon. As a young married couple we were struggling, HARD. Turns out my god mother was right marriage IS a lot of work that no one ever tells you about, it is a job, and a hard one. Our struggling wasn’t exposed outside, outside we attended parties and weddings, and had 1st birthday milestones with our son. But in our home, once our son was asleep, we were a different couple. We didn’t speak, if we did it was usually to accuse the other of something, or to tell the other they were going out for the night. At less than 2 years, we were on the brink of divorce. In private conversation we divided up the furniture, and had already discussed how we would raise our son. All we were doing now, was waiting for income tax so we could each hire a lawyer. It was when we found out we were pregnant again that things changed, we decided to try harder and work harder on our marriage. Upon deciding this, we saw a marriage counselor. And I have to say, he really helped it was nice to express frustration and just talk with a neutral 3rd party. I liked the fact that our counselor was not perfect, he had been divorced and was on his 2nd marriage, so he knew what we were going through. I recommend this to anyone that says they are having marriage problems, big or small. We did it because in the end we had nothing to lose, if by the end of the sessions, we still weren’t happy, we’d get divorced anyway, so we really wasted nothing, but a few hours. I would 100% recommend seeing a counselor. You have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain if it works out.
Just know, you’re not alone, a lot of us have worn signs at one time or another.
Wow Samantha, that is a great story! (and a great name by the way!) It’s so inspiring to hear how you guys truly believed you were done and here you are 5 years later and seem so much stronger for it. Thank you so so much for sharing!
I am on my second marriage (I’m 35) and learned a lot from my first. We were 18 years apart in age. After we split, he told me that he married me just so that he wouldn’t lose me. All of my friends were getting married and I felt left out. I never pressured him or gave him an ultimatum, but I guess he felt like if he didn’t marry me, I’d leave him. Well, we ended up apart in the end anyway..
So now on my 2nd marriage… We have an 18 month old. Being a parent adds an entire layer and a different dynamic to your relationship. Being a parent is HARD. We have no clue what we’re doing most of the time. I mean, I don’t want to screw my kids up like my parents did to me! So I try hard to be a good parent, but you never know if what you’re doing is right. So it takes a toll on your relationship. A big toll. And it sucks.
My husband and I fight over laundry, dishes, and dumb stuff. We seem to take out our stress on each other. And working full time adds an additional stress. We don’t have time for ourselves because we’re pulled in a million directions. And I teach needy high schoolers, so the last thing I want to deal with when I get home is more whining and neediness! Ugh! Sometimes I have wondered if I’ve made a horrible mistake in marrying him because he’s not as OCD and a go-getter like I am. I have big dreams and he is ok with the status quo. But then I’m reminded why I love him. And that’s what keeps me going when I am out of love with him.
I read something on another blog I follow. Tell your husband to kiss you and not think about anything else other than you. This blogger said it was an amazing kiss. I think we all need to try the same tactic and see what happens. 🙂
Hmm, I like that kiss idea…sounds worth trying
I love this post so much- thank you for it!
Thank you for this; it’s true and I needed to read it today. We have a 3 year old and 1 year old and it’s so hard. Parenthood is kicking my ass! And its kicking my marriage’s ass too!
I am neither married or have children but I love the Kane Show and now am a huge fan of your site. I’d just like to thank you for your honesty because you tell me what everyone else won’t. Marriage is work, its not always exotic getaways and family picnics which most of my friends think (ages 25-29) I’m currently in a 4 year relationship with someone and we’ve been on and off now that we are back on things have been so great, but then there are some days like today…where all I needed was someone to vent to and it turned into a big fat mess of a misunderstanding. You start feeling angry, asking WTF! and even want to tell them to EFF OFF so before it got to that point I took a break from the back and forth texting and read your post.. THANK YOU. Reading your post helped me realize that… THERE WILL BE BAD DAYS…WEEKS even but at the end of the day you can’t picture going through those rough times with anyone else. I love my gf very much and one day I do want to marry her but I was always a little scared of what happens next…will we be happily ever after and never argue or will it end in divorce. Reading your post allowed me to know that even if we do have tough times..as long as we both work hard at it and go into it KNOWING it will be hard work and we’re both up for the challenge then it will be fine. I’d like to commend you on being such a great mom and wife!! It’s a hard job to do but somehow you manage to pull it off and even throw in some laughs in between.
Aw, you’re so welcome. And yes, marriage is work. Love is a decision, one you will not always feel like making. Remember feelings are fickle, they come and go, but choosing to stay with someone and try again and again is a sign of real commitment.
Good luck to you guys, hopefully you’ll want to pop the question soon!
Thank you for being so open and honest! Life sucks sometimes but we keep our marriages together for the wonderment of tomorrow not because we are all rainbows and butterflies. Everyone thinks their own situation is the hardest and to you it is, you are living in sometimes hell but so is someone else. We all have problems and things that push us to grow and change and thank God we have that ability. My marriage could have fallen apart so fast if my husband and I were not willing to bend and change. From the outside we make it look so nice, fight on the way to church, be the happy couple at church, fight when you get in the car, yep we do that some weeks but whatever I love him for everything he is now and will become. My love is an action towards him not necessary how I feel about him. I love him all the time but some days I just do not like him at all! Thanks for putting yourself out there it was so wonderful to hear that everyone goes through that.
We have $200K in student loans. We work like crazy and have nothing to show for except a one bedroom condo that we thought was a good investment, but are now underwater on. Did I mention we have a daughter and a dog living in that one bedroom condo with us? I feel like we are never going to get ahead or be able to start putting money away for our children’s education.
Ooo, that’s a good one Rachel. Nothing can start a fight quicker than money issues and I’m sure all that pressure makes life really hard. Thank you for sharing though!
Great post. I married my husband when we were way too young (19&20) and it lasted 9 years. Our divorce was finalized on our 9th anniversary. Two years later we remarried because we realized that even though we were divorced- we were still in love. Even though we were divorced, we were still best friends. The first year we were remairred our son was born with Down Syndrome and a new reality hit. Two years later while trying for a second baby we found out we were infertile and started the adoption journey. Our married life has definitely been difficult and not what I expected. I never imagined being a SAHM but now I am because my son has medical issues and needs me to be available. I have no close friends because I’m emotionally exhausted and I can’t spare the energy. I also have very little in common with most mothers. People with typical children don’t understand raising a child with special needs. The parent’s I know with children who have Down Syndrome have healthy children and don’t like to be reminded that things do and can go wrong. We’re like a walking billboard for the minority of health issues that can occur. I feel guilty because I don’t work outside the home so I put stress on myself to keep busy and not “sit around” all day. Some days I wonder why we bother. I like to say that I love my husband but I don’t always like him. I’m sure he’d say he’d say the same about me.
Thanks so much for sharing. It’s always nice to know that others have issues too.
Thank you so much for sharing Tammy, you certainly have some true struggles but from the outside it does sound like you’re a woman who really loves her son and her husband.
Also, as terrible as it sounds because divorce is awful, I kind of love hearing when people divorce and then remarry because they realize how much they truly do need and love eachother. I guess that’s the gooey romantic but it is nice to hear…
Wish you and you’re family some peace. You need to take it easy on yourself, I’m sure you’re doing the absolute best you can. It just sucks sometimes doesnt it?
I just wanted to say….people go into marriage with this picture in their mind of how things should be, and it’s unrealistic. I’m not sure how it got this way (movies, fake people, Disney princess stories, etc) but I do know that no two people will be 100% harmonious and compatible at all times, because every person is different. Your spouse is another person, not a clone of yourself, they have their own beliefs, preferences, opinions, experiences, etc. Naturally, there will be times when you disagree, so why is it such a big deal when it’s within a marriage, but not when it’s with a friend or coworker or parent? Things won’t always be perfect, no matter how hard you try, or how hard you try to put off a picture perfect image of your family on the internet. First of all, people need to stop comparing themselves to other people, we each have an individual path/journey to complete. We need to stop trying to keep up appearances, because they deceive. Be who you are at all times, live for yourself, not for the approval of others.
I absolutely love when you get real!
My reality….having children (i.e. getting pregnant) isn’t this beautiful, romantic experience everyone makes it out to be. My husband and I are entering month number 20 of trying to conceive. What we’ve found out over the past 2 years is that there are thousands of things that can go wrong when trying to get pregnant. For us it’s the fact that my husband is missing a very vital part of his reproductive system (that’s right, I said MISSING!), the vas deferens (what’s cut when a man gets a vasectomy). They’re just not there. On top of this, he found out that this is caused by a rare form of cystic fibrosis. So our ‘magical, romantic’ conception fantasy has turned into a VERY clinical and VERY expensive process, leading us to our only conclusion of IVF, not quite the fairy tale story of bringing children into the world. And what I’ve learned through all of this is that most people tend to feel that they can’t talk about their infertility struggles, even though SO many go through it! Why not?!
There are SO many lies and misconceptions about what a ‘good, normal’ family is. The way I see it is that my husband is my partner. He is who I face this world with, the one beside me as I try to fight my way through. Am I always madly in love with him? Absolutely not! Could I survive without him? Sure! But would I want to? Not really. We’ve been through marriage counseling (even in our short 5 years of marriage) and have no problem admitting that we needed help, everyone does at some point. I think we all need to be a little more honest and real about what it’s like to be married, start a family, and just live life! I’m so happy to FINALLY see someone being real!
Thank YOU for your honesty Lisa! I can’t imagine how tough infertility struggles must be on a relationship…I truly feel for you. Although you do sound like a very strong lady I have to say…
PS- We’ve been in and out of couple’s counseling since we were engaged. I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, if anything it should be worn as a badge that admits that you truly care about your relationship, you’re taking the time (and money) to do whatever you can to be stronger. It’s a good thing.
My husband and I have been together 12 years, 6 of those married. We have 2 boys under the age of 7. I also gave the marriage ultimatum and resent not having a proposal to look back on. My husband does not know how to show affection or communicate emotiins (except in bed) of course the lack of affection leads to sex being few and far between, the kids have a little to do with it to;) We fight about whose more tired, who gets up at night with the kids, whose life is more fulfilling, whose family we see more, who does more for the kids, ect. Most days I cant wait for him to get home and when he does I wish he’d just leave. BUT, I cant ever see myself with anyone but him. I still look at him and get t that nervous in love for the first time, sometimes I catch him looking at me and wonder if he gets that same feeling. My biggest concern these days besides my kids, is whether he is still just as madly in love with me as I am him.
That’s a pretty honest thing to admit Rae…and oh so true. When you’ve been through this really bumpy road together (and the bumps keep coming) it’s only natural to wonder if there’s a chance you could be out there on the branch alone. But I guess that’s where the vulnerability part comes in…and taking that chance can have a great payoff. Feel blessed that you still feel in love with your husband, relish it in fact. I still get excited when I hear the garage door opening and I know it’s Peter…even when I’m mad at him. I consider that SUCH a comfort!
Thanks for your honesty (:
Natasha,
Thank you for writing this one particular blog entry. It really opened my eyes to see that not all of us are perfect. Because of this, I’m seeing “the bigger picture”. I’m through a very hard “break-up” moment and this blog in particular just helped me realize that not all relationships are perfect, and what seems perfect on the outside is really un-perfect on the inside.
Reading this really helped and lifted me up today! It’s definitely what I needed! THANK YOU!
You are so welcome Marina. Break-ups SUCK. Whether they’re permanent or not. I’m sorry you’re going through one…sending internet hugs your way! (that sounded so much creepier than I intended.)
Natasha,
Holy moly its like you climbed right in my head… I came across your blog fir the first time today (LOVE IT!) and read this on the edge of my seat thinking, ‘thank God I’m not the only one.’ I adore my husband, but he makes me crazy sometimes. I love my children, but their needs come before mine and his and ours, and that is hard sometimes… Thank you for this message – for the honesty of it, and for letting me know that this is ‘normal.’
ang
You’re so welcome, and by the way, it’s lovely in your head. Smells like vanilla.
(; Welcome to the blog!
I hope this is not wrong to say, but I really loved this post. I applaud you for being real and keeping it real with us. I have listened to your husband’s radio show for years! and been following your blog for about a year and a half or so. Its kind of relieving to know that things are not only that way in my house. I’m not even married, but my boyfriend of 2 years has a 3 almost 4 year old and is a widower. Things were AMAZING at first (crazy storybook fairytale amazing)… then things dwindled and then at one point things were so rough and we both were so stressed out that I things almost came to an end. we discussed it candidly and were honest about our thoughts, fears and feelings and things are getting better, but I realized that Disney doesnt tell you the whole story- and every relationship is different, but takes hard work and dedication. I know for me, that he’s who I want, and dammit I will fight for him and his munchkin (that I love dearly). It would be worse to not be with them than to work through our less than perfect relationship.
even though you have no idea who I am (and i totally just babbled the hell out of your wall with my mini-melodrama) if you ever need an unbiased ear to talk to, I am happy to help!
Ashley Rae, I feel like I know you because I’ve totally read your blog and it’s ADORABLE!
You’re absolutely right, Disney does not reveal the rest of the story and it sadly leaves us with a messed up view of relationships. I love that you’re saying screw it and are fighting for your relationship! I can’t believe I’m going to say this but…”GO GIRL!”
Thanks Natasha! I’m glad someone reads it!
And thank you for personally replying, that is something that a lot of blogs are missing. It’s nice to know you read each comment and take the time to get back to us. I love hearing from you!
and “go girl” or “go team, GO!” as I like to say. Sometimes the fight is half the fun.
This post is why you are a beloved blogger! I’ve been struggling with almost the exact same issues that you are – it’s been a very rough six months or so but we are working on step by step. It’s never going to be perfect but my reality is that I need to focus on the positive rather than the negative. I have the tendency to look at the dishes unwashed in the sink and not the fact that my husband is reading a book to my daughter for the tenth time in a row. I’ll still get angry and annoyed at times and I’ll just have to deal with that and find better ways of expression. I 100% agree that talking to others and realizing that not all the couples you see around you are perfect is one of the biggest eye openers. Your honesty and sincerity is beyond measure!
Natasha, you are awesome. I agree with so many of the people before me. I too have similar issues. I am on my second marriage (similar to tsally above). This time I am committed to making it work. We don’t always love each other, half the time we don’t even like each other. But, this is our life. We made our vows before God and I plan on sticking to them. I heard someone say that the reason their marriage had lasted so long is because him and his wife took divorce out of the equation. It just isn’t an option, so they knew they better work though their issues. I love that idea. I tell my husband all the time. We are going to have good days and we are going to have bad days, learn to deal with it.
My friend, who has been by my side for several years now, sent me the link to this post, and I can’t be more grateful for your honesty and bravery. My life has been more than rough since I found out I was pregnant with my 5 year old. I could say we really weren’t ready, but mostly the fact that I love and live with a very selfish man. Two kids, a repossessed car, foreclosure on our beautiful town home, a bankruptcy pending, living in his grandfathers basement in a horribly unfriendly neighborhood, my husband spending 90% of his free time focusing on his pairs figure skating career, and family that doesn’t support or accept us and you could say I’m about done. I honestly can’t tell you what keeps me here. I love my boys, but I have nothing left after just doing the basics to keep life afloat.I feel like I’ve done something to deserve my own misery, but can’t think of what. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this, like their years together are
spent just going through the motions and giving more than you get. Thank you for helping me to feel like everyone who claims to dance in their kitchen, add sprinkles to their whole gain pancakes and look perfect every moment are covering up everything I am as well. Thank you for making me cry and smile and for giving me a new resolve to quit wallowing in self pity and clean out the chicken pen, the only thing I asked the hubby to do before he went to lunch with a buddy… Thank you!!!
Oh my goodness Triana, I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time and I truly feel for you.
Things will get better, they have to right? And we have our beautiful children to be thankful for. One day they’ll thank us for it. Hopefully…
Natasha:
I cannot tell you how much this post meant to me and how grateful I am to know that others are going through the same thing I am. It is amazing how much adding in a little person can change the dynamic in your relationship. It goes from spontaneous dinners out to fighting over who made dinner for the baby the night before and whose turn it is.
Thank you, thank you for being real. I am a huge fan!
If it is any consolation, I listen to your hubby in the morning and whenever he speaks about you, without even meaning to, his care and devotion for you shows.
That is so sweet Brooke…a few people have actually told that to me, about when he speaks about me, it’s really nice to hear.
Natasha,
I read this and the first thing I thought was “I know…I get it”. Speaking about yourself and relationship like this is something I consider insurmountably the bravest thing anyone can do. When you feel unable to ask for help on the inside sometimes the most cathartic thing to do is write about it, I totally get it. I work, live and spend entirely too much time with my husband. I love him, but sometimes it feels like even though we live together we live such separate lives. I go through my days incredibly happy; feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet, and then other days, like no one understands why I am sad. It is hard to be real, speak the truth and admit sometimes how you are really feeling.
Thanks for your honesty.
And I also looked at my family at church on Easter and thought how beautiful, but then why am I screaming at my husband about laundry???
Natasha:
This post is a look at reality for me, I feel the same way you do. The truth is no one is perfect and husbands don’t realize how we as wife’s and mothers have such a huge responsibility and we are the ones that hold the family together we are the glue. It is truly amazing how kids can really change the dynamic of a family not that its a bad thing its just that husbands need to appreciate and understand us.
This may be one of the most honest posts I have ever read. I have 2 small children. A 5 year old and a 3 month old. And relationships are hard no matter what. Add a kid to the mix and it’s 10x harder. We have all been or are where you are. Kudo’s Natasha!
I LOVE THIS POST! This has been a time where I needed the reassurance that marriages can have ups and downs and it’s all good. You want my reality? My husband and I are struggling to have kids! The outside world thinks we like to be single and free but reality tells us we ae gonna fight to beat the odds to become parents! Never been more stressed in my life, never fought more with my husband until now, or felt rejected but guess what I don’t control reality! I will stop pretending that this is wonderful, I am ready to acknowledge life is difficult but all in all I am okay and will continue to be Okay!
Thanks for the wonderful blog Natasha!!!
Thank you for your honesty!
what has kept me going is a quote (which I forget exactly what it says but something along the way) “you are to love thy neighbor, why not start with the one next to you [in bed]”
and
love is a choice
That’s a good one A. I’m going to remember that…
Thanks for posting this! I read your blog faithfully, and have so much admiration for you. I loved your idea about putting signs on people in church, not because I want to be judgmental, but because I usually feel like the only one with family problems and mouthy teenagers. I read your blog and think, why can’t I be as together as you are. We mothers are way too hard on ourselves, and the media doesn’t help. Thanks again for your honesty and keep writing 🙂
I’m starting off-topic. When you read alot but don’t comment much, you often find that you have a lot of thoughts built up that you wanna say.
Man, you should write books or something, because your great at it…You know I initially bookmarked your blog months ago when it was still samster mommy and I had bookmarked it as a craft blog, cuz you had these beautiful, amazing, creative ideas, and you explained them so wonderfully it was as if you were there telling ME exactly what to do :] but then you’d write posts about non-craft stuff, and the thing is, I STILL read them! which isn’t necessarily true about the other blogs. I still visit your page every other day and finding a new post is like Christmas every morning cuz, dude, your posts are THAT good! It takes an AUTHOR to make you feel what they feel, or see what they describe, and you’re exactly that!
Back on topic. Me and my hubs have been married for 3 years. Yes, we are babies, technically still newly weds, But we’ve been together for 6 years and it feels A LOT longer. And on the outside we are this awesome free outgoing young couple. The artsy girl who always has paint on her somehow somewhere, crazy about nature, and all things colorful. Then there’s the dude who’s this charmingly handsome comic-book geek, who is the calm, quiet, always smiling buffer to the ball of adventure that is his wife. People probably think we’re always on nature walks, happy in our cozy one bedroom apartment, always playing around, jokes hahahaha….Buuuuuuutttttt if you were a fly on our wall…It’s like a verse from an sad song or something. I over analyze, I nag, I cry almost daily from financial woes, I want him to be more work-ambitious, but he has his own dreams, and he places priorities on the wrong things and it’s just aaaaaahhhhhhhh…like a constant argument or something.
But the thing is, there are also so so so many good moments, and those moments are so perfect they make it worth it you know? It’s almost as if they override the bad and it’s what we live on. And that’s what everyone kinda has to do. Accept the bad as a part of life and treasure the good. There’s no such thing as pure marital bliss, and whoever says there is, HELLO denial. Everyone is human, everyone has there issues, We have to stop thinking our partners are perfect and vice-verse, and accept them as perfect FOR US. wondering if that makes sense. Anyways. It’s life. You get these bad things so you can appreciate the good.
Iman, you give good compliments. Like seriously good ones…can I just pay you to say nice things to me on a daily basis because I seriously feel better already.
Hey I’m just stating fact! :] But I’m glad they made you feel better :]
one thing to keep in mind… Sundays (church) are notorious for fights. fights between kids and parents and husbands and wives. I think Satan tries extra hard on that day to “undo” anything you might get from church.
One of my favorite quotes: 12 words from Winston Churchhill – “Never give up. Never, ever give up. Never, ever, ever give up.” Follow that and you will celebrate a 50 year anniversary one day and the hard times will be a vague memory, but the family you created and held on to during all the storms will be a reality that you can take great satisfaction in.
Thanks Mom, love you.
Natasha,
Thank you for this honest post. It is so timely that you wrote this as a girlfriend and I were just talking about this ‘need to feel perfect’ today. Why do we as women always feel like we need to seem perfect to the outside world and that we have to compare? It just makes us feel worse about ourselves.
I am reading this wonderful book right now called “You’re Already Amazing.”
Here is the overview (taken from Barnes and Noble): Women feel enormous pressure to be perfect. To have the perfect body, to be a perfect woman, to have the perfect career, and to have the perfect attitude. All the time. Under all that pressure and all those expectations are women carrying burdens they were never meant to carry and suppressing the dreams they were always meant to live.
In You’re Already Amazing, popular blogger and cofounder of (in)courage helps women understand and embrace the fact that they don’t need to do more, be more, and have more–because they’re already amazing just the way God created them to be. As a licensed counselor and certified life coach, Holley knows what readers need to hear. Like a heart-to-heart talk over coffee, reading this joy-filled book encourages women to forget the lies and expectations the world feeds them, instead believing that God made them for a purpose and that he loves them right now, at this moment, and always. Holley takes readers on a journey of the heart to discover their strengths and embrace all God created them to be.
It’s a wonderful read! I highly recommend 🙂
The post is great! I wish that more people were this honest. My husband and I have had really low lows and really high highs. Right now, our marriage is the best its ever been. FINALLY! It is so easy to give up and leave for good. We have both agreed that divorce is not an option, no matter what, and at points that was the only reason we were together. I’m glad that we’ve worked through our issues. Through out a marriage you fall in and out of love. It feels really good when you fall back in love after a really rough patch.
BTW- You can’t imagine how many cell phones he’s gone through. That’s how I get my anger out…. shattering his phone into millions of pieces. :-/ It’s cost us a small fortune. haha. I’m glad I can laugh about it now.
i can only imagine how difficult this was to write…and how much your hubby probably didn’t like it. i’ll have to tune in tomorrow to see if he complains about it 😉 but it is so truthful – and really, what everyone goes through. i wish society realized this was “normal” and we didn’t have to hide that sometimes we want to kill each other, and that’s why my significant other didn’t come to the dinner party the other night, etc.
This couldn’t have been posted at a more perfect time for me. Thank you!
Thanks for posting this!! I am newly divorced. My marriage was a disaster and I felt like I was the only one who had so many problems in my marriage. I was all alone and couldn’t talk to anyone about it except for my best friend. I was so hard on myself the entire time. I tried so hard to be the perfect wife. Yes, I did choose to get divorced, but I don’t feel like a failure for it.
I’m 23, I’ve been married for a year and half, I dated my husband for 7 years before that and I moved across the country after we got married for his job. In this short time of marriage, I have wondered HOW did my marriage turn out to be fighting, sleeping back to back, watching tv all evening without talking and not cuddling, taking long walks together and sweet talking. I have never felt so alone, especially with the person whom I’ve always felt the closest. Thank you so much for sharing your reality and what seems to be the honest reality of marriage.
My reality…I am viewed as a strong woman of faith who constantly encourages and lifts up her friends. In reality sometimes I am less than encouraging, am sarcastic and mean and b*tchy. I have a role as a leader in my church but sometimes my thoughts are less than pure. I struggle with loneliness, feeling sometimes like the only girl among my friends who cannot get attention from the opposite sex, self-loathing and shame spirals.
I am the likable, friendly and compassionate teacher who sometimes really dislikes her students because to me they can seem lazy and uninterested and rude.
But there is another side to my reality that I can easily lose sight of. That is the reality where I am imperfect, but am being perfected. Where I am unloveable but am still loved with a perfect love.
Over the last year or so since I started following your blog your honesty and inability to sugarcoat has been a refreshing dose of “reality” in the midst of a world focused on outer shells.
So bless you dear, keep fighting for what you love and I’ll keeping reading.
Thankyou so much for your honesty Carrie Ann, you actually sound like quite a lovely person who I would love to know! (:
same here Natasha!
I couldn’t agree with you more! My husband and I have three kids. I look back when they were younger and think how did we get through those days! I also say “my mom didn’t tell me this”. I do know it gets better. Our kids are 16,14 and 10 and now that they can do more on their own my husband and I can spend more time together without feeling guilty. Hang in there it does get better and thank you for sharing your life with others because truly it is the reality of everyone’s ” perfect life”. Hope the girls are feeling better. Keep up the great blog I love it! Oh BTW I made the ruler for my nephews 1st birthday gift it was a big hit! So thank you for the great idea.
I totally agree with your post. Thank you for your honesty! I am in the same situation. I have 2 kids (same age as yours) and it is hard. We definitely look like the perfect family in public, but we have our problems too. It is refreshing to know it is normal and other people go through these things too.
Sending my love to you and every woman out there – we’re all in this together. Maybe different stages and places, but we’re our own best support system! Thank you for writing this post. Just please know you’re not alone – I have been know to use a shirt sleeve or two as well.
LOVE your post! I actually get your posts via email and it’s my favorite morning read before I start my files at the office. It’s latte, Little Pink Monster read and then work haha! I really enjoyed this post a lot because I feel like I have been going through a very similar thing lately but my role is a bit different. I’m 33, going to be 34 in October and I am not married, I have no children but I am in a relationship that’s going on 2 years now and it’s going great! I feel very lucky and happy to have a good man in my life. At this age, I feel myself starting to crack and maybe getting a bit impatient. I am beginning to think that maybe I’m not the one he wants to have it all with. The sign around my neck should say “Worthless” and trust me, it is very easy to feel this way after the crazy ride I’ve been through.
Let me take you back to the time (2006) when I was faced with a decision of sacrifice. I quit my 3rd year of college to be with the one I was in love with (for 9 years) at that time to move to Florida because his family moved to Orlando and he chose to move too. Before I moved to FL, we managed to get passed a 9 month long distance relationship and everything was great. I felt like great things were coming for us. I just had to remain patient, dedicated and positive that it was all going to work out. Everything crumbled by 2008. By then I was engaged but no plans were set at all. I even began to think maybe the engagement didn’t feel right. Long story short, it turned to disaster! I caught him cheating, we went our separate ways and he is doing well now and even has a baby son. Being alone in an area helped me rediscovered myself and rediscovered Florida. I started to live again, made new friends, and Cocoa Beach was my weekend spot…I turned into a huge beach bum and I loved it. I started to fall in love again too! I had crushes left and right haha! I also fell in love hard with my BF now and everything is amazing. I’ve never met anyone who made me laugh so much in my life!
I moved back home to Maryland and it felt so great to be home again, to see family, old friends, and most of all, my moms cooking! I mainly moved back to MD also because my new love lived in DC and we both really wanted to give this relationship a shot!
Here I am now in 2012 and I am beginning to feel a tiny bit of the joy fade! EVERYTHING seems to always be difficult, not with my BF but more with LIFE. I only see the beach once a year (Ocean City, MD) and we have to plan to visit for just 1 weekend! WTF :-/ I started back at college again in 2010 when I moved back home and the classes are getting harder. I feel like I am constantly going back and forth. I am up at 5am and on the train heading to DC to work before the sun even comes up. It’s dark when we leave and it’s dark when we return. EVERYTHING I USE TO DO (vegg and be lazy, tv time, FB time, shopping time, beach bummin time, Kickboxing at the gym time), I DON’T DO anymore. I use to have a selection of tv shows that I loved to watch weekly…I am at a point where I don’t know what comes on anymore so I started reading books on the train to entertain my brain. Reading is almost like watching tv right…haha! I’m currently reading The Help…. and now I’m obsessed with the 1960’s and waiting for my Mad Men season 1 to arrive via Netflix…YES I have resorted to Netflix because we do not have a DVR.
The relationship is great, we are just always so busy. We make our apartment life very fun with take-out nights, movie nights, taco nights and other such special in-home activities 😉 that doesn’t require too much $$$ to be spent but this usually happens when I’m not in class or pet sitting (my extra income) during a weekend…and yes, I take a Saturday class because who wants to sit in class for two hours after you’ve been at the office all day! UGH!
It’s also not easy to look around and see all of your good friends and cousins, some even younger than you, have it all together with family and kids. Being at my family gatherings and seeing everyone hold their little ones….it’s what I always imagined where I’d be at this time in my life but it hasn’t happened yet. (This suddenly brings back vivid memories of playing MASH as a tween and thinking of the cars we’d drive and how many kids we’d have…………YEA, NOT HAPPENED YET! lol)
Every now and then I start to ask myself “why aren’t I the one that men want to start a family with…is there something wrong with me!?”
I also feel guilty for not being finished with school and not making a good enough income. That is my other issue! I feel like maybe my BF deserves someone who is more established and ready financially to have a family. I always think, maybe that is why it hasn’t happened for me yet, because I am not worth taking that chance with. My BF is 3 years older than me and is finished with college and has good job at the FCC.
So this is the transparent me! Confused but happy and too busy to figure out what direction I should be going in. I tell myself EVERY DAY to take what I have and make it into something great. I try to focus on all the little things that make me giggly happy and that maybe I THINK too much. I guess I’m pretty happy with who I am and I understand my choices has made phases in life go on a lot longer while also making time frame much more difficult with a crazy schedule. I mean I chose to go back to school, I chose to start pet sitting and I feel lucky that my BF is very supportive with all of my choices. I guess I just wonder will I ever be able to have it all. I tell everyone this, but I feel like a turtle going so slowly through life while everyone else so far ahead and I feel awful about myself for that.
Transparent Turtle 🙂
WOW thank you soo much and too see all the responses gives me relief that well we all are not perfect!!! Im expecting my second child with a man I have been with for almost 8 years yet we are not married because he called off the wedding 1 month before we were to walk down the aisle saying he was not ready. The truth was he was not ready to be with 1 female sexually, yet I stayed. We argue alot and sometimes sadly to say in front of our son I feel alone I feel used I dont feel appreciated and it hurts. I dont even tell my mom or friends our problems anymore because I feel they will look down or think Im stupid for staying through his lies and cheating. I try so hard to keep the house looking nice when Im not working and make like everything seems fine even though half the time its just me and our son. Its hard to keep up a smile when you feel like screaming! Thanks for sharing because I have to admit many times I have thought you and P have an awesome fun life and seem so happy he always talks about how much he loves you and the girls on his show. Its nice to know things are not always what they seem and maybe I should stop judging people before I get to know them. Thanks for this Blog!!!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented until now. This post like others have said could have been plucked from my brain. You really do grow up believing life is this fairy tale, and not many are open like you, so you feel alone. And since you asked… My reality is that I feel I am drowning. Went through hell and back this last year. Me and my boyfriend of 4 years took a brief break last January. We got back together in February just in time to watch my grandfather decline and ultimately pass in may. Thus my first ever loss of a monumental person in my life. Then to keep the ball rolling since me & the bf wanted to actually work this time we decided finally on an apartment (and got in a rolling fight outside before we walked in), but eventually signed less than a month after his passing. Oh and this was also both of our first time leaving our parents for the real world. So we had to learn to live together, with now joint accounts and deal with things with out mommy and daddy. So if (almost) living through what they say are the biggest challenges of your life (death, marriage , home) after resolving a 6 month maintenance issue (where we lived with our ceiling open), we decided to adopt a new born puppy. Add on to an already stressful situation a creature needing all of you and your money, and the jealousy from the boyfriend. So basically I come home to one puppy needing me and one boyfriend claiming I don’t love him because we don’t have the time to do “things”. So this is leading me to eat my way into obesity. Back when we had broken up I had weighed the least I ever had and now ive gained it all and hit my highest weight and a conversation with my dr about am in an equitable situation because on top of being the only one that walks that dog I still have the whole cooking & cleaning to do. Add on first time ever having money problems, our full time jobs, and anxiety issues with the both of us, and our “friends” judgments of us because we try to be transparent/ ask for support… and we are a ton of fun. Plus we are still trying to work through the damage said anxiety did to the last three years of our relationship. But as another reader said, I still want to wake up with him- which is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I truly enjoyed reading this post, and as well as all of the comments that followed. It’s comforting to know that so many other families that have the same issues. My husband and I met at 17, married at 25 and now at 32, we have a 4 year old and and a 5 month old. In between all of this, there have been some very hard times, multiple break-ups before we married, unemployment and money issues. While they’ve maybe helped to make our marriage stronger, we also have some serious arguments that result in him saying “why don’t you just divorce me” and me crying. More than once I’ve thought maybe we should just divorce, but in the back of my mind I know that that isn’t what I want, he is my best friend and I want to grow old with him. A 4 year old with a speech delay, a new baby, a house that needs too much work, lots of debt and not enough money are all factors. Combine this with a husband who works multiple jobs, myself working 30 hours and a lack of sleep, sex and just general couple time where we can catch up (outside of our drive to the grocery store with 2 kids in the backseat) and we both ferment stress of marriage. In the end, I remind myself that our debt will eventually go away, our income will hopefully increase and while our house isn’t the nicest looking on the block, at least it’s a roof over our heads. Thank you again for your honesty, not only was it enlightening to read, it was nice to tell my own story.
You’re so welcome, thank you for telling your story too Lani. You guys have truly been through the ringer but it’s inspiring to hear that in spite of it you have such a good outlook at the end of the day.
Love this post. It’s nice to know that my insane family life isn’t as insane as I thought. I guess insane is the new norm? 😉
Love reading your posts!! And a BIG thank you for this one!!!
I am so shocked that all of the comments agree with this view. I had no idea the whole world was so miserable. No wonder men and women are all cheating. What ever happened to unconditional love? Granted, I have always said money and kids are the two biggest things to rip into a marriage, but I think stress management is the key to working through this. You have to identify your stressors, and decide…can you control the stressor or not? If the answer is YES, then you must devise an action plan to tackle and correct it. If the answer is NO, then you must let it go. Really, just let it go. The other thing is that you must work on keeping the romance and marriage alive. Now I know that not all spouses cheat, but a large percentage do…and this is exactly why. Mommy or Daddy is too stressed out and self involved to deal with attending to their spouse and they find the attention and comfort in someone else. You have to consciously decide to TALK every day about happy things…good things that happened during your day, hopes and dreams for the future. And never let a day go by without really showing some form of affection….holding hands, kisssing, looking deep into each others eyes and truly saying I LOVE YOU. Compliment your spouse on something he/she did/does that is awesome. And take care of yourselves. Exercise. bathe, shave, wear makeup….dressing in house clothes is fine, but don’t wear the one’s with spit up stains unless you’re painting the living room. When you feel good about yourself, you’ll be attractive to your spouse. And NEVER sleep separately due to anger. Illness, yes, anger, no. This post isn’t directed at YOU Natasha, but to everyone. This comes from a 50 year old woman who has been happily married for 27 years and has a wonderful 25 year old, well-adjusted and successful daughter…because she was raised in a house of unconditional love. I cannot imagine my life without my husband, But now that I have turned 50 and he is going to be 60 next year, we have started discussing the possibility. So please be happy now while you guys are young and can enjoy your youth, because before you know it, you are planning for your demise. #Noregrets
I think there is a generational gap here… this might have worked in the past, but the reality of today is different. There are so many more distractions (ie, social media, smart phones, etc.), and people are working longer hours, etc., in an effort to make mortgage payments, pay down hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans… Your plan is a bit too simplistic, in my opinion. In a perfect world, you could identify the stressors and make plans to either let them go or change them. And, it would be easy if the stressor is that the spouse bites their nails, and it gets on your nerves. Sure, let that one go. But, often the stressors are either unchangeable due to realities (need to work), or unchangeable due to the other spouse (I cannot make my husband appreciate me). To just “let it go”, to me, means selling out. If I feel I deserve something, I am going to fight for it, not just let it go. And, you almost seem to justify someone cheating on their spouse… love is a choice, and the vows you take are a choice, and just because you are feeling unloved or lonely that does not give you permission to then go cheat. And, actually, the number one reason men cheat is not because they feel they aren’t getting enough attention, but because they feel they aren’t needed. And, to decide to talk about happy things when you’ve had a really crappy day seems fake, superficial and ingenuine. That is not the kind of marriage I want. If there are problems, I want to talk about them, hash it out, not just gloss over it with a June Cleaver attitude. And, while my marriage is not perfect, I will take it over feeling like I need to be a well-coiffed Stepford Wife. To me, unconditional love is much deeper than putting on make-up and talking about happy things. My husband told me that he found me the most attractive when I was deep in active labor, and working to push my daughter out… that seeing me so focused and working so hard to bring our daughter into the world was the most attractive he had ever seen me. And let me tell you, the makeup was long gone, and the hospital gown was well-soiled by that time…
Being unhappy and unconditional love are not mutually exclusive and unhappiness is not a license for cheating. Possibly you are misrepresenting your view or oversimplifying it, but my hackles went up. Yes, you have to try to be positive with each other, but communication doesn’t mean putting on a happy face, as you portrayed it. To be in relationship, real relationship, is to say what hurts along with what is great. Sometimes there are more unpleasant things than pleasant things and that is also okay. Every relationship goes through seasons. If they are always “happy,” then it is not real. As far as not sleeping in separate bedrooms, that obviously works for you and your spouse, but it is not correct to assume everyone’s fights and needs are the same as yours. My husband and I have not slept apart due to anger, but I know several couples that is works for and they do this so their fights don’t escalate.
I appreciate that you shared your view, but your view is just that. I’m glad you have a great marriage and a well-adjusted child. Truly. Do remember that what works for you doesn’t work for everyone and unconditional love doesn’t mean that people are not unhappy; rather, it means that they are willing and grateful to work through it together.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for writing this! I have a 7 month old baby and I can say that since she was born my relationship with my husband has been strained. I’m so exhausted these days and I don’t think he truely sees what all I do….I’m sure I could show him more love an be more affectionate but I can’t bring myself to. I know I love him with all my heart, we’e been married for almost 12 years….I don’t know how to explain it but we are really going through a rough patch. Once again, thank you, I don’t feel quite so alone!
Life is not a romantic tv show or movie.It takes work to make a marriage last. . Get help if you need it-find someone to talk to. Young kids can feel stress,when parents are unhappy.I guess I should wear a sign “big mouth and no one is listening to me”!
thankyou for your blog
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. My husband and I have been married for less than a year so we’re still in the newlywed stage, but I will be the first to admit that our relationship isn’t perfect. While I’d like to think that we’ll be blissfully happy for the rest of our marriage, I can already predict certain points of contention (his workaholic-tendencies, our differing opinions of how to divide up chores around the house, both of our stubborness) that will create problems in the future. Especially after we bring kids into the mix. You’re right that no one warns you that marriage is a lot of work. It seems like everyone gets so excited about engagements and weddings that they forget to give you an instruction manual for what to do when things become strained. Reading about your (and all of the commenter’s) experiences has got me thinking that it’s never too early to increase our communication and work on improving our relationship. And despite what might come up down the road, I’m hoping that remembering how strongly we feel about each other now will help us get through things in one piece.
I also listen to your husband’s show- more so now since it came to Baltimore!- and have to agree that his love for you really does come through whenever he talks about you. I hope your peace cookies had in the intended outcome!
I really, really enjoyed this post Natasha. It is so refreshing to hear someone’s truths because it makes you feel so much better about your own. I don’t often hide my life from others but feel sometimes it isn’t their business. If my friends ask or need validation then I will share my truths with them. Truths for me: I had my son (16) when I was way too young (22) because my husband is older. I’ve been ill-equipped to be his mother his entire life. Truth: I favor my daughter because I was older and hopefully wiser when I had her so I felt like I could correct some of the mistakes I made with my son. Truth: we had to claim bankruptcy because I let me husband force me into walking away from my job just as the recession started when we were up to our necks in debt already. Truth: he had no idea how in debt we were because I was hiding it from him. Truth: I dream about being a single mother because I am tired of being married and doing more to care for my husband than my kids because he is so needy. Truth: I do gross things in front of my husband in hopes of turning him off because I have interest in having sex with him. Truth: I could go on and on and try to go for the shock factor but some of it is too private. But know that you aren’t alone and sometimes those with the happiest smiles and laughs are the most miserable in life. I aim for mediocre.
This is such a brave thing for you to blog. I read a post recently that was about mothering, and it basically said that we don’t do anyone any favors by pretending like this gig is easy or we’re sailing through it unfazed. I’m thankful that – normal ups and downs aside – my husband and I aren’t going through a rough patch at the moment. However, people look at me with horror when I tell them we spent most of the first year of our marriage fighting, crying, threatening to sleep on the sofa, and wondering whether or not we had married the wrong person. Particularly in some Christian circles, there seems to be this extreme aversion to showing our imperfections. I’m grateful for the Church Body we’re a part of now, that I don’t feel this paralyzing need to be perfect, plastic people anymore.
My reality right now is that I had absolutely no clue just how hard parenting little ones would be. Throw in one child who redefines words like “strong-willed” and “rebellion” and you get a mama in tears by the time my husband pulls into the drive better than 50% of the time. That’s one reason why my last blog post was about a cake; I needed to remind myself of something I didn’t feel like I was failing at that day.
Natasha, while I certainly understand where you are coming from with this, for some reason it was very sad to read this and all the other comments. I’ve been thinking about it since I read it yesterday and have tried to figure out why it affected me the way it did. My marriage is far from perfect. We certainly fight and have our habits that irritate each other. Two years into our marriage I was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with our first child. My husband has been in school for 6 of the 8 years we have been together. We’ve never made more than 50K a year. Our youngest baby has been very demanding and was a horrible nurser and sleeper. Basically, I am just trying to say that we have not been dealt an easy hand by any means. We struggle with a lot of the same challenges many other couples are faced with.
I don’t know what we are doing differently than other people. While we have our times of frustration and anger with each other, I would say that I am happier now in my marriage than ever. I am happier with myself too! I have no doubt that each person that has commented here (and yourself) are all doing the best they can. Life is so, so hard sometimes.
I tend to agree with a lot of what the commenter “JMETHECHEF” said in her post. And I disagree with Wendy’s reply that there is a generational gap there. The principles that marriages have and should be built on have not changed. Trust, respect, forgiveness, love and SACRIFICE. Sure, there are more distractions, but these things CAN be minimalized. I also disagree that “letting go” is just like selling out. Being able to let go of things that frustrate you is a crucial part to any relationship, as no one is perfect and we cannot change people no matter how hard we try.
I do think your post is beautifully written and I certainly agree that no marriage is as perfect inside as it seems from the outside. It just was eye opening to hear how unhappy so many people are in their marriages when I have had such an opposite experience. I love your blog and all the ideas you share and I hope you’ll keep posting such honest thoughts and experiences!
Thank you, Brenna! Having just turned 50, I was quite taken aback by the “generation gap” comment. I am the youngest 50 year old I know! I am not some doddering old fool that doens’t have a computer or an I phone. I am a working professional with a good and responsible position, and worked while raising my child. I am living the modern life, girls! I didn’t mean to oversimplify and come off as a June Cleaver. I have worked very hard at my marriage, and staying positive and looking for the positive has been the best for me. When we had problems, yes we talked them over, and we yeleed at eahc other at times…You can even say I wear the pants in the family, hardly a June Cleaver. I was just saddened to see how many people wrote on here that they were going through similar situations. If people are REALLY feeling like this, it isn’t healthy..for them or their relationship or their children. So please get some form of help, whether it be through a mental health professional, anti-depressants, or church…anyplace, because this is not the world most of us want to live in. And, BTW, my talk of stress management comes from a class I used to teach in Stress Management. So, it isn’t just MY OPINION, this was a bona fide course, one of many I used to teach.
I absolutely respect & admire your opinion. After all, with that many years of marriage under your belt clearly you know a thing or two! (probably many more!)
The only thing I have to disagree with you about is where you said, “was just saddened to see how many people wrote on here that they were going through similar situations”
That bothers me because IT IS OUR REALITY. It is an enormous amount of pressure to be raising children & sustaining a marriage in the world we live in today. Often times we don’t have the family & support that past generations did.
Obviously since so so many of us are going through similar situations in our relationships it cannot be blamed that each one of us is just doing something wrong. That’s the exact stigma I’m trying to erase by writing this post. I want to scream to everyone “IT’s NOT JUST YOU!”
Seeking a form of help like therapy or medication may help but the form of help I really needed and what I want to give to others is to let them know that to be at a crappy point in your marriage is NORMAL. It does not mean you need stress management. It means that you pick yourself and keep trying, keep loving, keep moving on because you can take comfort in knowing that this too shall pass.
I wrote to my sister about something similar the other day. I mentioned to her that I’ve heard people say “we should have kids to make the relationship stronger” and I can’t help but laugh at that now. Stronger? Sure, if you survive the first few years. If you can both survive those long stretches where all you want to do is go to bed and sleep… alone sometimes. Or when the pawing of two small children a-l-l d-a-y l-o-n-g is enough to make you run when your husband tries to give you a kiss upon returning home from work. If you can both survive that absolute life suck that children can be, so much so that you forget how to be husband and wife, then yes, having children can make your relationship stronger. It’s not always the case though. I do agree with Mary… even during our darkest days when our months old son never slept and our 2 year old just wanted more attention, I still looked at my husband and knew that there was no one else I wanted to come out of this hole with and that we would, somehow figure it all out. And we will. I have faith. Well that and our son has started to sleep and the fog is starting to lift.
I find transparency like this to be such a breath of fresh air, yet I struggle with it with everyone. I have lived for the past 22 years with an eating disorder and although I have been through numerous different treatments, I still haven’t attained the status of ‘cured’ that I would like to be at one day. I have hope though, hope that I will be able to shed this baggage and hope that one day I will be able to help other young girls who are struggling..
All these comments are why I have chosen to remain single…to much drama and work!
Good luck to you all!!
Thank you! I found your blog as a crafter, but I stay as a mother, wife and general human being. I love this post, it not only make me feel normal but it for some reason make be feel safe and snug in that normal-ness. Maybe I’m not doomed for divorce? Maybe I am? But that’s tomorrow’s problem, today’s is getting through school holidays.
And for the record, my tag would say; “feels completely unwanted’.
Long story: On my grandparent’s 45th anniversary there was a big party with all the family and friends. My grandpa stood up to give a toast and was winding up with “a toast to 42 wonderful years”… my grandma laughed and interrupted with “Johnny, we’ve been married 45 years.” Everyone laughed. My grandpa looked at her and said “Who says they were all wonderful?”. As the gasp echoed across the room, he turned to the assembled guests and said “for those of you who are newly married, thinking about getting married or wondering if you’ll ever get married, it’s important to know: IT’S NOT ALWAYS WONDERFUL. And that’s OK. It is *those* times when you dust yourself off and say ‘well… we were in love at one time, we’d better find it again’ and get started with the hard work. Marriage is hard work. But one day, after 42 wonderful years and 3 not-so-wonderful ones, you’ll find yourself glad you made the effort.”
Which is why at 22 years, looking for an apartment, trying to divide the bills and assets, we stopped and thought “Maybe it needs another try”. 27 is later this year. And for that I’m thankful.
Most of all, Thank YOU for your honesty. There’s not nearly enough of it in the blogosphere, and yet you have the power to speak to hurting souls. Wishing you peace, Meadow
and Marie, it takes as much work to be single – just a different *type* of work. I’m certain there are plenty of people who pity you your state of singlehood, much as you pity us our marriages. To each our own.
I love this article:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person
Marriage is hard and we are fed constantly through the media that it should be easy, perfect, pretty.
I think part of the reason that Jmethechef might have a different marital experience is that our culture today is so selfish. So self-focused. It’s all about me. What I need, what I want, me, me ,me ,me! It’s not about what can I do for my spouse/ partner? It’s about what can they do for me?
I am just like everyone else here. I have problems in my 15 year marriage. We have 3 little kids and are very tired, like a lot of other people.
I do think that a lot of stuff can be let go. My husband constantly leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor instead of putting them away. Does it bug me? Hell yes! Do I say anything? Rarely (usually only after tripping on them). You know why? Because I do tons of crap that annoys him and he lets a lot of it go too. I know I can be annoying and obnoxious yet he loves me anyway. I am a total brat and he loves me anyway. Sometimes he even finds my annoying crap cute. Marriage is more than the shoes on the floor or the dishes in the sink.
I find that a lot of times it starts with yourself/myself. The selfless giving that may go on for years(!) before it is reciprocated. I am not talking about being abused and taking it. I am talking about giving your spouse grace for their faults. Truly being the better person sometimes and doing something for them that they do not deserve or have not earned.
We’ve gone through some really rough patches in our marriage but are in a good place right now. In fact just the other day, after putting the kids to bed and then getting the house in order, my husband said to me, “with all the mundane, every day stuff we have to do, I am glad you are there to do it with me.” 🙂
Hope this might help some others.
(I am speaking from a Christian perspective here. If you do not believe in a God who gave up His Son’s life for yours than this is probably going to be hard to believe in too.)
I am in my mid-twenties and have been married for two years, no kids yet. But your post really spoke to me. My friends are mostly still unmarried and have this crazy notion of “Disney fairytale marriage”. When an acquaintance even finds out I’m married they oggle my ring and tell me how envious they are. I think society has put a white picket fence around what marriage really looks like and people perceive it at this perfect way of life, despite divorce rates being over 50%.
The reality is, while I love my husband more than anything, we fight about things, our sex life has its low points, finances are a struggle, your own desires and priorities conflict sometimes, and marriage is WORK. People say that, but I don’t think anyone really believes it until they are married. I love that you are so honest in this post, and maybe more people will approach their own marriage with relief, and those who aren’t married will have more realistic expectations.
My reality is that one of my very good friends just tragically lost her husband last week. He was 31 and just like that, he’s gone. She’s a widow at 30. Makes you stop and think that whatever you’re fighting about, whatever you think is important that’s harming your marriage, however tired you may feel from your kids…it’s not worth it. I know I’m looking at my marriage and my young children in a whole new, thankful light now. My friend would give anything to even be able to have a fight with her husband…but never again. Life is very short. Don’t waste it.
How horrible. I can’t even imagine…
I originally read this post on my phone when I didn’t have time to respond with a comment. Since then, there have been a lot of comments. I did a quick search to see if any of them answered the way I would.
I did a key word search for prayer and pray. I’m a little grief stricken that God was mentioned but not prayer. Even more so when you mentioned going to church.
My husband and I had a spell a while back. I was starting to get that feeling that we were just good friends and roommates instead of husband and wife. A lot of it had to do with the age of our girls,, 6 months and 2 at the time, business, and lack of sleep. We knew there was a growing space between us and we had to make a choice. Either we come together now or continue to slowly grow apart.
Our church at the time started a marriage mentoring program. Every week for 1.5 hours my husband and I with another couple took time to study God’s plan for marriage. We also talked about our difficulties in our marriage. Before every meeting, Paul and I would do our homework together – actively talking about our marriage. At the beginning and the endings of the meetings, we would all pray together. God has a plan in our lives, marriage is a very important part of it.
Marriage mentoring isn’t just for couples who need help. It’s for couples who want to work on their marriage to make it better.
Since Paul and I have done the marriage mentoring, we know exactly what God wants for us out of marriage. We sort of knew before, but the clarity is so much more. Right now for us, our key to a strong marriage is a strong personal relationship with God. A strong relationship with God is driven with prayer and daily Bible reading. When we have the opportunity between teaching Children’s Church, Sunday School, and our men and women study group, we do a Bible study together. We are currently doing Beth Moore’s Stepping Up.
Here’s some brief scripture on how wives and husbands should treat one another. It’s some of the harder stuff to take in because it involves submission and sacrifice.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
*Husbands lead the family in spiritual guidance. They take the lead and are responsible in plowing ahead. Wives follow their husbands as in the same way the church follows Christ. Does this sound difficult? It is, but not nearly as difficult as what husbands have to do!
Ephesians 5:25-30 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.
*Christ died on the cross for the church. Christ tasted death, sacrificed, and will forever bare the scars for the church. Husbands are to sacrifice themselves for their wives. Loving their wives as though they were the same.
Ephesians 5:31-33 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
*It isn’t easy. Its even harder to do if one of the spouses is unwilling. But choosing God’s way, it will only take time, perseverance, and intimacy with God to turn a spouse around.
Just after marriage mentoring kicked off at my church, the movie fireproof came out, and the love dare book, too. If you are interested, I can send a copy of the Love Dare if I can find it. I suggest the movie and even the book.
http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/
http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/
Thank you Jenny, I’m going to go back and read your comment when I have more time because I really want to give those verses my full attention. I did want to go ahead and chime in and say that I have been praying. Like on the floor, hands & knees, crying out for God to help me praying. We both have. And I believe he’s answering them, we’re learning a lot by going through the hard times. I’ve learned more (the hard way) about faith and trust the last few months than I ever have. I know it’s all for a reason…and I know our prayers are being answered, even if it’s not in the ‘poof! it’s fixed way’ most of us
I absolutely could relate to this post! I admire it when you are honest on here and talk about real life. I read an article recently in self, that was called “Fight FOMO” or “fear of missing out.” This article shared that ‘people tend to present an upbeat version of themselves online’ but do not highlight the bad things going on in their lives. As a result, we see a “perfect” image of everyone else and then feel as though ‘lives do not measure up.’
So this article is not exactly related to what you blogged about … however, it is refreshing to know that we are not alone in our difficulties and struggles with relationships. I welcome the idea of real conversations with close friends and family … where we can let our hair down and have heart-to-heart conversations about the realities of our relationships. Through these conversations, we then can find support and perhaps solutions to the shortcomings of these *transparent* relationships.
Thank you for making me feel like someone out there knows what I am going through …
I’m going to have to go read that! It’s so interesting…with this new way we live virtually, put ourselves out there…it’s true, so many people portray themselves in only the best light and then the rest of us get this warped view of what reality really is. Fascinating! And sad.
Thank you so much for writing this. You’ve written things similar to this before and it always seems to come to me at just the very moment I need to know I’m not alone … and not insane. On the outside I have 7 years of marriage with a brilliant and gorgeous man, 2 children who look perfect enough to be in any gap ad, and a huge house complete with the basement playroom and a picture perfect scottish terrier wagging her tail at our heels. Reality ….. My husband is working more than he is present with us. When he isn’t traveling … he is still on a computer doing something. My children are incredibly high maintenance and your comment about “sucking the life out of me” couldn’t be more true. I can’t keep this freaking house clean … don’t even want to try anymore. Reality?? I don’t even know who I am anymore or where to start in trying to figure it out. But you know, I love him and those babies with all my heart so even though I sometimes plan in the back of my mind about how to support myself (and the kids) if this doesn’t work out …. In reality, I’m going to stay right here and keep trying. I’m going to keep choosing joy over everything. Life is hard. Nobody ever tells you that growing up and I think when you hit this point in life you are just blind sided by how hard it is. Life is hard … marriage is hard …. kids are hard. But it’s beautiful too and that’s where my focus will stay. Thanks for giving me the chance to put that out there … it feels good. CHOOSE JOY sister … you are NOT alone!!!
You’re so not insane! I’m right there with you lady, but at the end of the day it sounds like you have a good foundation perspective on things. Sometimes we just have to remind eachother when the gunky days cloud our judgement. (:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Sometimes you sincerely believe you are all alone when it comes to unmet unrealistic relationships expectations. Although I am not married nor have children. I still can relate in the ups and downs of being in a relationship. And right now I’m work, hiding tears because I don’t feel alone – Knowing that you put up a front to the world that your relationship and life is perfect and behind close doors sometimes you feel hopeless. But after reading this it gives me hope, I don’t feel so alone, and that someone out there understands. Thank you for being so honest!
Searching for a craft to do with my daughter this weekend – as it will be the first in a long time that I haven’t had to work and will get to spend some quality time with her – I stumbled upon this “woe is me” entry on your blog. All I can say is WOW! You know, studies show that when you present a perspective to your audience, and ask for a response, you will mostly receive like-minded responses. Clearly, this is why 100+ people chose to join your pity party. If your reality requires you to present a facade of 100% perfection determined by the expectations of others, then you need help – help appreciating the IMPORTANT things in life, so you won’t be living a facade. So, things to be thankful for –
1. You are still in your home with your family unlike so many families whose homes were foreclosed upon or they had to move due to the financial hardships they were undeservedly experiencing.
2. You are married to a husband who is still employed – be thankful you don’t have to leave your children and earn a contribution to the family expenses. Sounds like your husband has a great job, you describe it as “glamorous.”
3. Speaking of you husband’s job (& this is probably the most important point), do you ever worry that he is not going to return after you kiss him goodbye and he goes off to work? I mean PLEASE – consider all the LEO’s families who live with the very real possibility that their husband/father might not come home? Or consider the servicemen deployed overseas. Don’t you think these women would trade places with you in a heartbeat to know that their husbands have a better chance at simply surviving work? Although, they probably wouldn’t trade because typically speaking military wives tend to be strong and especially proud of the sacrifices their husbands make. But, at least if their husbands had a glamorous job they would be less likely to come home in a casket or missing limbs or not be able to mentally or emotionally appreciate the families they helped to create.
Speaking for the many others who mistakenly read this like I did (because, after all, isn’t it a craft blog?) I am thankful that my LEO husband walks through the door after a long shift patrolling, that my sister did not receive the worst news a military wife can and that I was able to secure employment to help my extended family through these rough times. So, since you asked for it, get off your crafty ass and find a purpose in life. If your family isn’t enough for you, volunteer with an organization that will expose you to the real problems members of your community are experiencing. Lastly, if you are not in love with your husband every day, then you are not in love. And, if you had to give him the ultimatum for a marriage commitment, then it begs the question – was/is he in love with you?
This is not a crafty blog, this is MY BLOG.
If you don’t like it then please leave and don’t come back. My readers & I dont want people here who are judgmental, self-centered & have zero compassion for others. Your negativity has no powers here, be gone before someone drops a house on you too.
Way to deal with the troll, Natasha!
Considering you are locate able through a network of craft blogs and you boast with those side buttons about your craft blog, one would think this is a craft blog.
I am not the one who is looking to out everyone’s reality to make myself feel better – that is for insecure people living phony lives like yourself. Which, by the way you accomplished by inciting so many others to respond with their sad stories.
& since you had to go out and buy yourself a token reminder that you love your husband, there must be something wrong?
Perhaps you should have ended this entry with “only if your reality is worse than mine, please respond. For those who are truly grateful for what they have, move on.”
I’m so sorry, did I stutter when I said ‘don’t come back’? Any further comments you make will be deleted.
Bitter much? As someone who works with people with “real” problems (homeless, mentally ill, community mental health population), I have the perspective that you are suggesting Natasha get. And guess what? I still agreed with her post 100% Just because she is admitting that her situation and her life isn’t perfect, does not automatically mean that she takes what she does have for granted. And as a licensed mental health professional, I have to call bullshit on the if you are not in love today, you are not in love. There are all kinds of love; the greeks named 4 separate types – storge, eros, agape and phileo. While marriages typically start out with eros, over time, this type ebbs and flows.
I’m sorry that you are clearly going through a difficult time right now. But, rather than take your bitterness, resentment and anger out on others, how about just appreciating what YOU have and stop worrying about the fact that others aren’t appreciating what they have as much as you think they should?
Thank for having my back sista. (:
Wow! Thank YOU so much for this post and thanks to all those who commented. Thanks to the person that recommended the movie Fireproof. I feel that you have truly given me the encouragement to fight for my marriage. You have saved my marriage. I was ready to walk away and when I read your post it felt like a message from God. I showed it to my husband but was not convinced that we could make it work. THEN we watched Fireproof and it made us realize that we both need to work together to make it work. For the first time I feel that we are on the same page and I believe that we WILL make it work. THANK YOU again for giving us hope.
Natasha, thank you so much for this post. It’s about time someone was honest enough to write about the truth and the ugly side of things. Too many times we, as women, read these blogs and think “Her life is so perfect. I can’t find the time to brush my teeth and she’s already fixed a homemade breakfast, stitched her kids a new wardrobe and made her husband a card to tell him how much she loves him.”.
I’m a new mom to a beautiful 8 month old. This new life is so much more than I imagined. Dirty laundry, too many bills, not enough money, too much spit up, not enough sex. Marriage and my feelings about my husband are a constant struggle….some days I watch him with our daughter and my heart fills with love and think that there could not be a better match in the world for me. But more often than not, its the end of the day and I’m worn out and end up losing my mind over a couple of dresser drawers he left open. The fights occur more often and leave me wondering some days why we even got married in the first place. Reading this post (and the following comments) are so inspiring to me….to know that it’s “normal” to have moments where you want to walk out the door and leave it all behind. It makes me want to go hug my husband and work harder to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.
Natasha- I can’t thank you enough for this post. All of the above are so real and things that we should not be ashamed of. My husband decided 2 weeks ago that he couldn’t do it anymore and instead of leaving, asked that my son an I move out. A lot of the things that “went wrong” for him were things tht you mention here. It’s hard work living with someone, even harder when you throw a small child(ren) into the mix. That’s real life, and if we could all be a little less judgemental and more aware of how glamourous life IS NOT, we’d all be a little happier.
Oh my gosh Kailee, I’m so so sorry to hear that, it’s absolutely terrible and my heart truly goes out to you!
After 18.5 years of marriage (20 years together), I’m the one who is ending things. Our divorce should be finalized next month. 🙂 We were truly “wasting away in a loveless marriage”. My ex told me I wouldn’t find happiness “out there”. My 13 year old told me recently that he’s never seen me happier.
As we age/mature, we all change. Sometimes those changes are in similar directions and sometimes they simply are not. My changes during the last four years were profound. My three year old was diagnosed with leukemia. My ex was uninvolved at best. It simply didn’t affect him in the same ways.
I’m a dramatically different person now. I’m been through the fires of hell and come out stronger. This new person should not remain married to a man who _________(fill in your own blank).
However, I believe in the wonderfulness that marriage can be. My parents have a beautiful relationship. I hope to remarry again one day. I know love is out there just waiting for me to find it.
Natasha, I’ve been reading your blog almost from the beginning. You have the start of what can be a fantastic long-term marriage. You want it to work and he wants it to work. We all have doubts. We all have issues and screaming fights and nights with someone on the couch. It’s that connection, that spark between the two of you that keeps you together. As long as there is a spark, love will burn true. XOXOXO
Wow, thank you so much for your honesty and your encouragement Julie. I’m excited you’ve found a way to finally have some happiness but I’m also so sad for you that you’ve been through so much, I can’t imagine.
Thank you for the sweet, encouraging words in spite of the experiences you’ve had. I’m amazed that you’re walking away with such positive feelings, very inspiring. (:
I was on vaca so am now just catching up but wow…thank you for this post Nat. Seriously. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years and it’s been rough. Cheating on his part, online inappropriateness on his part…but we both really want it to work and figure out why these things happen. We did a little couples counseling and kinda came to the same realization- it takes work every.single.day. Some days the “work” is effortless and fun but oftentimes its a lot rougher. In the end I think about our grandparents married all these years and for them, they had to make it work, so they did. Our society nowadays I feel just advocates quitting and moving on, but I really hope more people start investing in themselves and their relationships and do all they can to recognize the love. And only when you’ve really give it your all and it’s still not working should a person opt out. But I’m thinking of you and P, and praying that you have some easier times both together and with the girls soon.
Thank Allison, thinking of you and yours too…I admire your courage and willingness to forgive, seriously, I really do.
Wow. I actually came looking for your site today b/c when I do check in on it, I have found your honesty so appealing. We have been married for 10 years with 2 little girls- 2 and 4. It is so hard, and I do think that most people are judging you. No one wants to admit how hard it is. It’s not just that it’s hard, there are times when I can’t stand my husband! The truth is he is a good husband and father. Somehow we have become so disconnected, and I don’t know how to fix it. We do not have extended family in the area, so we don’t get a lot of time to ourselves. I feel like a terrible person b/c I just want him to go away sometimes. We had difficulty getting pregnant with my first daughter, and I prayed for this life that I have been so graciously given. Why can’t I be happy with it? Sometimes, I feel like I am totally self-sabotaging. Why can’t I shut up about how he did a load of laundry? He did it, but I find myself always critiquing. I really like your idea about trying to consider the other person. Thanks for sharing.
Your so welcome and please know that I’ve felt exactly like you have…I think we all have.
As someone who is going through a difficult time right now, it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Reading this post has really made me feel better in knowing that other people are going through similar experiences and it is okay and even a normal part of life. I really appreciate you being so open and honest with your readers.
Just found your blog. This post is amazing. My kids are like 6 months older than yours, same spacing. People will gush over how cute they are and how lucky I am. They’ll ask how I do it all. Sometimes, I want to laugh or scream. Lucky? Yes, but so tired, so discouraged and so lonely. How do I do it all? Very often poorly. Who knew it would be this hard to love your husband? And how do you not feel like a fraud or a failure when surrounded by “perfect” people. I think you are right that this is a tough time, and your musings on it are so encouraging. Thanks! Your girls are beautiful.
You know how you don’t feel like a fraud? You read these other comments & realize everyone else isn’t perfect, they’re just like you!
I’m so glad you like the post and found my blog, hopefully you’ll stick around (:
Your post brought back so many memories of my early years of marriage. Well if I’m being “honest” probably the first fifteen. Things got better and better over the years with lots of hard work and compromise from both of us. Our children turned out to be fine young adults and we are in our 33rd year of marriage. If you can keep in mind those things that brought you together in the first place, you will probably be able to find your way back to each other in the coming days and years.
Thank you so, so much. I don’t comment very often, but I just had to tell you how much it meant that you shared this. I really needed to read this and it helps so much to feel like I’m not alone in these feelings! I work full time, we have 2 little ones under 4 and another on the way, so I feel exhausted and overwhelmed (not to mention hormonal!) right now and worry that I’m not doing a good job at ANYthing at the moment, especially making my husband happy. Thanks for your honesty and courage, Natasha!
Thanks for keepin’ it real. You are brave & amazing. Usually I can only count on my bestbest friend to reassure me that perfection isn’t normal. 🙂
Oh ladies, this has been the most inspiring blog I have ever been to. We all need a realism check once in a while and I think this should be the place. We need to keep this blog going on and maybe we might prevent a terrible divorce or even stop a marriage that shouldn’t be.
Let’s all remember “But if you close your eyes & think about tomorrow & you still picture your spouse there, then that’s what counts”
Holy Mama this post is great Natasha! So true for so, SO many of us and I am forever grateful you shared something that was not easy to share. I can pretty much say I have been in many a similar situation to yourself and other lovely ladies on here and things can be SO hard. Sometimes I feel like I am living a double life – beautiful baby and husband to boot with a gorgeous home etc etc – and we all know that if we are HONEST with ourselves, that it is not always as it seems from the outside in. My moto- anything worth doing requires work – relationships take work, patience, love, selflessness and patience – all of which I think in about 23000 years I will have conquered! (it is 5.30 am and I am running back and forth trying to get my daughter to sleep as she will.not.go.back.to.sleep! See?! Not so perfect eh! Thank god for good concealer 😉 love your blog and you missy! keep on truckin’ xx Amy
lol I put patience twice – I guess I gotta REALLY work on that one! 😉