A few weeks ago I decided to start seeing my therapist again. She’s known both P & I from couple’s therapy since we first moved to DC 7 years ago. Wow. I cannot believe that much time has passed! Not to mention how much our life has changed in that time…whew, just had one of those ‘whoa’ moments… Anyway, let me shelve the nostalgia sap & get to my point. I asked her if she could help me manage my life better. There are certain things that have been put on my plate that I can’t take off, then there are a few things like this blog & the TV segments that I just don’t want to give up, the problem is I have so much that I end up doing everything…well, half ass. Sorry, just could not think of a more perfect way to put it. I’m starting to realize that the reason I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt, frustration & at the end of the day not feeling like I accomplished much of anything, is because I’m not! I’ve been trudging through my days doing my best to keep my responsibilities afloat but all the way getting exhausted & really going no where. (Those are often the times you get radio silence here on LPM)
A week or so ago I had this endpass moment where I thought to myself something has to give. I was so tired from trying so hard but the truth was P & the girls weren’t getting what they needed from me & I wasn’t exactly doing a great job of taking care of myself either. My first thought was, something has to go, & it can’t be my health needs or stay at home mom duties so it had to be this. My blog & everything that goes with it. The thought of it made me so sad. I realized in that moment how much I love this place, & honestly I truly believe God has given me these wonderful opportunities that have sprung from LPM as a blessing, He’s given me something that really gives me joy in a time where my life has had a good handful of downs. I realized in that moment that I had to have faith that if he gave me the opportunities He’d also give me the strength to do them. So now that I knew I didn’t want to give up anything, & I believed that I had the strength to carry it all how do I do it differently because it was obvious my current method was working at all. That’s when I remembered my therapist & how I often had thought of her as not only a wonderful guide for couples in crisis but also had many moments where I saw her as a woman I respect that would make a wonderful life coach. So there it was, step one. I didn’t know what steps 2, 3, & 4 were going to be but that was ok, I knew I had a step 1 & that was enough to move forward.
At our first appointment I filled her in on everything I had on my plate & gave a honest account for how well I was actually doing these things. When I was done she said, “Ok, tell you what, let’s draw out an actual plate & divide in sections what you have & want to do.” It looked a little something like this…
How much of this can you relate to? When I started to put down on paper how much I actually “do” as being the caretaker of our home & family I can’t believe how much there is that I didn’t even realize I was carrying!
Now, let me take a moment to say this loud & clear, I am NOT complaining. Not in the least, I was blessed enough to have the option to quit my full time job when Samantha was born. I can’t even fathom how much you full time working mommies must have on your plates! I love my life & everything in it & fully realize how blessed we are & much incredibly worse other people’s plates can look. I’m grateful & fully aware of the lives of others, but this is my life & I think it’s ok to say that right now it’s hard for me. It’s ok for you to say it too.
Once we had a good look at the situation she asked me, if I had a magic wand what are the critical changes I could make that would make me feel better at the end of the day.
I was surprised how quickly they came to me…
1. I want to feel like I spend more quality time with my girls. Right now they’re just shuffled along from one point in the day to the next because whether they’re home or not home I’m constantly juggling a bazillion things in the air.
2. I would like to not feel stressed everyday that the house is not neat enough or there isn’t enough laundry done or have I done the dishes before my husband gets home. I have a husband that works from home most of the day, he’s very OCD & although he tries not to complain I know that when he comes home from work, to work & the house looks like a tornado came through it can be stressful for him. I also know that I can get so behind on laundry that there are times he’s getting dressed at 3am & can’t find which pile I have of clothes that his clean undershirts might be in. Even though he doesn’t say it, even though he tells me he understands that I have a lot on my plate & it’s ok, it’s not ok with me. That is a big source of my stress & if I could just find a better system I think it’d help tremendously.
3. I want to seize the opportunity of growing my ‘career’ here at LPM by the horns & take it for all I can. I want to kill it. I know I can nail these TV segments or contributor posts I’ve been offered if I could just give it the focus it needs. I have the hunger but I’m scared I don’t have the focus because I’m so darn tired from everything else that’s on my plate. But I don’t want to let it pass.
In my 20’s I graduated from college with a degree in TV Journalism & I was really good at it, I absolutely loved it! But when it came time to graduate & send our tapes out to TV stations across the country that had job openings (usually small towns out in Nebraska or somewhere since we’d be newbies) I got scared & never sent a single one in. I’m sure I made some other excuse in my head, I ended up making a decent career for myself in marketing but looking back I now know that when I came to that endpass I took the easy road…because of fear. This time, this endpass, I want to choose the hard road because I know the reward at the end when you follow your heart will be so worth it.
Now, can spewing all of this out & recognizing what is important magically get it all done? No. Of course not. I’m still one person and am limited at that, BUT, she said let’s just start with one…
I wanted to start with girls, what could I do to make my time with the girls more meaningful? We came up with a “sweet spot” of the day that is just for them. From 3:30-4:30 it’s just us doing a craft or playing a game before I have to start dinner. No, one minute to empty the dishwasher, fold some clothes or check my email, it’s just us. They have me fully. I’ve been trying it out & I can’t tell you how good it feels. Am I still their mom the rest of the day? Of course, I’m constantly getting a glass of milk or wiping someone’s butt…however now when those little eyes close & I tuck them in their beds I don’t feel like I’m failing them as a mother. It’s amazing how changing one ‘sweet spot’ of time can make a difference. Like I said, there’s a lot more to figure out but this is a start & I’ve noticed that by making a change that ends with a positive outcome can greatly renew your sense of hope & that, that can make a world of difference.
I’ve noticed that there are some of you who have told me through comments or emails that when I write these posts about my life & this crazy journey I’m currently on, that you’re on the same one & that it’s helpful to read that you’re not alone. That’s why I’m posting this, because if it’s helping my life than chances are good that it could help yours too! At least I think it’s worth a shot.
I love the idea of an hour just for the kids. I feel very overwhelmed and tired right now. My plate has a full time job and grad school on it but I want to sew and take pictures and do blog posts, too .. I’ve had to cut that out pretty much.. I have followed Lpm since it was samsters mommy, I appreciate your honesty and often can relate. Take care of yourself and the family and just keep swimming. 🙂
I, too , have started to feel so overwhelmed. I have 3 kids (2-12), a full time job and now take care of my disabled brother and father. I love the idea of carving out an hour to just be. Thank you for sharing- it is brave and does help by seeing that someone else does feel the same way. Best wishes.
I know exactly how you feel. See my husband thinks I am too planned and have an exact time or so for everything. When it doesn’t go that way, it makes me desperate but I try to plan every minute every day and are always looking for good ideas to improve.
As far as the house is concerned a friend once told me that she made a list of everything that needed to be cleaned and went thru the items each week. She simply started over every week. I should really try that one but seems overwhelming to write down everything I have to clean (hahaha).
Anyways, good luck and keep at it cause it will always turn out some way or another.
Maria
I love this plate idea and can totally relate. There always seems to be so much going on. The pressure to get it all done, keep the house clean and be super mom is immense. I make a list of all the things I have to do/clean that week and start it over each week. It usually works, but I run into problems when I get sick or we’re out most of the week. It all gets behind and I end up overwhelmed again wondering where to start! One thing that’s helping me get through it all is blogging!!
As a full-time working Mommy, I have found the only way to keep all the balls in the air in this crazy juggle is to become uber-organized. Sort of like scheduling in the hour for the girls… I make lists of what needs to be done, then schedule my time accordingly. Something helpful you might want to do for a couple of days is a time study… Keep a list (even the notes section of your phone will work) with you 24/7, and write own how you are spending each 15 minute increment of time. At the end, analyze the list, and see if you can identify the time-suckers in your day. Another time saver for me is enrolling in auto-subscribe through Amazon for many of the regular day-to-day stuff we need (toiletries, cleaning supplies, pre-packaged food products, etc.) That helps eliminate those spontaneous Target runs. Or, take stock of these items and make a checklist of them… Then go through the house twice a month and take inventory of what you need to stock up on, and only make two Target runs a month. And schedule downtime! You won’t feel as guilty indulging in me time if it’s scheduled.
Anyway… Those are some of the things I have found helpful to keep my little home running while holding down a full-time job (with a husband who typically works a 60+ hour workweek).
Love the hour idea. I may have to steal that. I also typically have a tornado of a house but I made a true concerted effort over the last week to be overly OCD about clothes bring put away, toys being put away and it has been the best feeling. Keep up the great work!
I love the 1 hour idea. I work full time and always feel guilty about not spending time with my girls because I’m too worried about dinner, cleaning up, and preparing for the next day. Thank you so much for not giving up on this blog. You’ve inspired me and I’m sure many others as well 🙂
I love your blog. I relate. Though I don’t have any children now, I’m trying to get pregnant. I have lupus. I was diagnosed in my early twenties and am 31 now. Between the lupus, my migraine headaches, some upper GI issues, full-time job, and my husband, I feel like I do have a lot. I can only imagine what life will be like with a child on top of it all. I am excited though. I love how open you are in the blog and love all of the craft ideas. Maybe one day I will get the motivation to try them. 🙂
You’ll get there Sarah, I’m sure of it! I can so relate to your symptoms and can honestly tell you that while they feel so overwhelming & life consuming they also will make you stronger than you could ever imagine. Hang in there, it’ll all be worth it soon. (:
I have been struggling with the same. My husband is deployed and I am trying to juggle 3 kids with their activities, run a house, finish my degree, monitor my own healthcare needs and somewhere in there carve out an hour or two of me time (which usually is internet time- but that isn’t what I really want to do it is just easy and I don’t have to think). I am working on my own plate. Thanks!
I just started to do this with my daughter. I will spend an hour or so after I pick up from school playing and reading to her. I feel so much better for it.
Not sure if you can afford this, but you should seriously consider bugeting to hire a maid service. You can get about 2hrs of a good deep cleaning for around $80. That’s one less thing on your plate. It could change you life. No kidding.
A nice reminder that we can try to reshape things and do things in our lives differently, and if it doesn’t work, we can try something else. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut!
It may help to visualize the plate in a 3D way. The plate you filled in is the outline. Now draw another plate, using colors to represent different areas of your life. Finally, make a dream plate of your ideal happiest hour of your day.( I don’t mean going to a bar) Once you clarify what makes you happy, and make the time to feel joy, the everyday to do list may not feel so overwhelming.Being a stay at home mom,is 24/7, but you need to schedule in a time of the day where you are” done ” with today’s work and do something you enjoy.Tomorrow is always another day. The dust bunnies won’t kill anyone.
Wow this is my life/my story, too (different factors, very different actually but still…) these sentiments resonate with me completely! I’d live to talk to you one day! (I tweeted you as well…) Keep blogging and crafting and doing it all – you can do it! And my prayers are with you 🙂 …
Thank you for the support Antonia, it really means a lot! (:
Thank you for reminding us to include “me” time. I feel selfish doing anything for myself, which has been my constant struggle the past 12 years as a single mother. I need to find my inner life coach to regain focus into using my bachelors degree (part-time night school) to better my career. Working full time isn’t a choice, but a necessity.
My Husband and I have been talking about entering into couples therapy. I’m assuming it helped in your relationship. Can you tell me more about it. I am not sure what to think about it.
hey Natasha!! I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed. I am a single mother of 2 amazing kids and I work full time. Sometimes it becomes too much and I feel like breaking down. Don’t give up!! Keep your faith in God and praying to him he will never let you down. I have learned that the dishes will still be there and so what if there is a rotating pile of clean clothes sitting on my couch for weeks at a time. You do what you can when you can and its ok. Our kids remember the time we spent with them and the silly things we do, they could care less if the toilet is dirty. Hearing my son say “Your the best mommy in the world..I love you” makes it all worth it!!! If your fortunate enough to have the additional funds maybe hire a maid to come in to help you even if its every other week or once a month. The most important thing is time with our loved ones..we never can get it back. God Bless