I had a dream last night…true story.
It was one of those where it’s so troubling & seems so incredibly real that you wake up in a panic, sit straight up in bed & have to look around the room to finally breathe a little easier that it was just a dream.
In my dream P, Sam, Sophie & myself had traveled to a foreign country that we quickly realized we were not supposed to be in. We were taken prisoner & were forced to live in a refugee type camp with other condemned travelers. (weird I know, maybe it was the scallops I had for dinner, just stick with me…) We went through our days with this awful gut feeling that our family was in terrible danger, somehow we just knew if we stayed there & waited for help our children could be taken away from us. So we started searching for a way to escape. We found an underground group of civilians of this war torn country who were risking their lives to help families like ours cross a nearby river which marked the border of the country. The night came for our escape & while the details are a bit fuzzy I remember having horrible anxiety while walking down every dark hallway or hiding in the shadows while soldiers paroled nearby that this could be it, I could lose everything. We had decided I would carry Sophie in a sling (she was a bit younger in my dream than she is now) & P would take Sam. We tried staying close together but both agreed that no matter what just get the child you were holding across. Even if meant splitting up.
There were many close calls but we, along with around a dozen other people trying to escape, had finally reached the river & the most dangerous part. The people helping us spoke a foreign language & there was so much confusion. Also unnerving was we learned that an integral part of a successful escape involved certain guards & government workers who were paid off to turn their heads & let us pass various checkpoints. This was the most terrifying part of my dream & I remember it crystal clear. At one point we had to slowly move past a man who was ‘letting us through’ & when it was my turn I locked eyes with him. Just typing this I can remember such a strong feeling of hate in his eyes, I cradled Sophie next to my chest & watched his dead eyes follow me. There was an overwhelming feeling of fear that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It’s so crazy that a completely false dream can leave you with such very real emotions. We all finally got to the river & had to wait for someone to call us when it was safe to try & swim across. It was painfully slow, only one or two at a time could go & the rest of us knew that the longer we stayed there, on the wrong side of freedom, the more we were at risk. Throughout the shuffle we had somehow ended up a few people ahead of P & Sam, I was looking back at them when a blonde American looking woman who was dressed as a doctor ran to all of us & yelled, “I can take one!” My instinct to jump at the chance for survival kicked in & I raised my hand & said, “She & I count as one, she’s just a baby, please take us!” The woman nodded & quickly ushered Sophie & I down a different path than I had seen the others go. I caught one quick glance of P & Sam but we were moving so fast that I couldn’t even make eye contact with them to say goodbye. This is when I started to cry in my sleep, the thought of not kissing them goodbye. The sadness was quickly replaced by panic when I realized that this woman was not with our group. She was not there to help us but worked for the country’s government. They had discovered our plan & sent her to try & deter as many of us as possible. When I realized that I had chosen wrong & had led Sophie & I into certain misery a wave of regret rushed over me that was so powerful, I finally woke up. I sat up & after a few deep breaths turned my head to see a peacefully sleeping Sam & P in the bed with me. Our little family wasn’t torn apart, we weren’t in danger, we were all completely tucked in & safe, all piled in one bed, getting ready to start a new day together.
I laid back down but turned on my side so I could just stare at their two little peaceful profiles. I thought about what a bizarre & terrible dream that was. I believe that dreams usually come from an underlying fear or emotion that your subconscious is grappling with, or bad seafood, so what could it mean for me? I’m really not sure. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep unless I thought about something reassuring, then it hit me. It’s New Years Day. It’s a chance for a fresh start, for resolutions that we hope will lead us to a better life, maybe this awful dream could actually be the inspiration for an important lesson.
Doing the TV segment last week breathed new life into my drive for making this blog, & therefore my passions, into a real career. When I first thought about ways of resolve for the new year seizing the TV opportunity & a few others that have come up as a result of it, seemed like a good plan…until now.
Perhaps what would make me the happiest would be to focus on how I can improve the lives of those who are truly the most valuable to me. Those horrible feelings of fear, panic, & loss that overwhelmed me during that dream were because my family is the most important thing to me & for what felt like a very real moment I thought I was going to lose them.
So what’s the point of all this? To creep you out with a crazy dream that probably should have stayed in my own little puzzling head? Partially. Moreso to say this…
On this New Year’s Day when you’re making resolutions to eat better, work out or stay organized perhaps instead think about resolving to better improve what you love but might take for granted. Basically this, think about what you would be the most devastated to lose. I think it’s safe to say that’s probably what is the most important to you. Then think about what is something small you could change in your relationship with that person (I’m assuming it’s a person, if it’s a thing then maybe we should be having a different conversation. No judgement!) that would make them happier. For example, my children would love if I read to them at night & my husband would adore to get more kisses & hugs every day.
If I’m taking care of what’s most important to me than I’m also taking care of what makes me the happiest. If you’re being fulfilled by that then I believe that the other common resolutions will fall into place. One good decision will lead to another. (and yes, I did steal that line from a cereal commercial. What?)
So those are my New Year’s Day two cents, this whole post was mish-moshed together at 2am so there very well may be some flaws in my logic, even if you don’t agree with everything I say I hope you leave here today with a little nugget that will make your life happier.
to good use & attempted to make Mummy Dogs!
