I naturally see life very black & white. If you ask me a question I’ll almost never give you an answer that is somewhere between yes & no, I’m rarely vague & if I don’t know I just say so. So naturally I tend to think the rest of the world should work so as well. Guess what? It doesn’t. And I’m learning that I find that to be very annoying.
Right now both Peter & I have a lot of balls in the air. {{insert 13 yr old boy joke here}} Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s certainly not a new way for us to function, it’s just the way our life works, and that’s ok. What I do mind is not having a set path to do our juggling act on. I can keep those balls in the air day & night if I know it’s going to get me from A to B, but right now the road is foggy, & it has a LOT of turns in it. After awhile of putting one foot in front of the other without really being sure where it’s going to lead is tiring. I’m ever so slowly learning to use my faith as a compass but I have truly been humbled by just how much faith I actually have. I think that over the last few weeks I have, without consciously deciding to do so, put down a few balls & stood still. That’s happened before in my life & it’s hard to say where the line between taking a break from exhaustion & temporarily giving up from depression lies. I think one can easily slide into being the other. The good news is you can always pick those darn balls back up, throw them in the air & start going again. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, or sometimes one hour at a time if that’s as far as you can muster up that day. That’s ok.
The funny thing is right when I get to one of these points in my life where it feels like I’m blindly chasing my tail & am about to plop down & let all the balls fall where they will God gives me a place to rest so I can start again. In this case, right when I needed it most, it was time to leave for our family vacation.
In case you haven’t noticed from my Instagram, Facebook or Twitter (although my phone broke the first day we got here & getting a new one when you’re on an island isn’t exactly easy, hence the break in posting) the girls & I are on vacation with my family. For two whole weeks we’ve moved to our favorite getaway & P is flying in & out as he can to join us. Although I miss him terribly the nights he’s not here there’s something about being completely alone after you put your kids to bed & the house is dark & silent and you can sit & just be. Sometimes where your thoughts go can be a little jarring, when you don’t have the distraction of wrangling kids all day your brain has time to actually think. Other times it can be nice to just stop trying to ‘figure it all out’ & you just try your best to inhale the peaceful silence because soon enough a little munchkin cdr will be standing by the bed physically opening our eyelids before we know it. Who needs an alarm when you have a 5 year old that has an infallible internal clock set to 7am.
I’m using this vacation time to really evaluate not where I’m going but how am I getting there. Am I really waiting (ugh! why is waiting so hard for me!!) on God to show me His path, or am I forging forward on what I think is the best route for our family & myself. There is a third option you can take too, giving up & choosing to stop. Which take it from someone who’s been there, when the road is hard to navigate & you give up & plop down right where you’re at because you can’t see your future, life will still keep moving around you & all you’ll be doing is wasting it. And you know as well as I do that time with your kids is precious because it was just yesterday that you were swaddling that little biscuit & just as quickly the future will sweep by & they’ll be running out the door to lead a life of their own.
So I’m taking time to breathe, not think too much & just enjoy every day for what it is. Hence the #thehappy30…that’s turning out to be even more perfect for me than I had intended.
Since it’s been mostly just the girls & I so far we’ve all been sleeping in the master bed together, lazily staying in pajamas till noon & making our way between the beach & the pool. We search for manatees & shark teeth, do a little fishing & then start the whole thing again the next day…we did get into a little trouble the other night though with some hair dye, if you missed the pictures on Instagram here are my sisters…
I’ll be putting up a video tutorial this week showing how easy it is to do permanent (kind of, it tends to fade) multi-colored hair tips yourself!
So does any of this make sense? Not the manatee searches or hair color, the having trouble with walking blindly while not sacrificing any of your dreams, desires or even responsibilities? I always love hearing back when you tell me your version of how you’ve been there…or maybe are there right now!
I’m so glad you posted this! Off course I follow you on Instagram and Facebook bit I love reading everything you write here (even before I had my son a year ago) because I feel like you are kind of forging a path for me. The advice you give is great and the perspective you have on life feels so real, like I am having a conversation with you in my living room. It gets very stagnant and mundane being a stay at home mom and reading how you are figuring your way through it is also helping me figure my way through it. I have been following you since you moved up here (when you were making jewelry to go with your wedding dress). I know if you’re me this much from your blog that you MUST be helping other people too -even if they aren’t commenting! Keep writing! I am definitely going to ombre my hair either pink or purple…I need to research how to get the color out at home though! Any advice?
Wow, you are totally an old school LPM friend! Wedding jewelry…wow, I haven’t thought about that in forever, geez, it’s so funny how one endeavor can transpire into so much else. I’m so happy to hear that what I write helps you out…I by no means have it all figured out but I love the idea that if we all just are honest with eachother about what life is REALLY like for us than we’d realize that we’re all in the same boat. Or at least have been at some point in this journey. Thank you for sticking around for so long Ashley, I’m honored. (:
I found your blog because I’m a Kaneshow fan, and I’m so happy I did. You put into words so perfectly all the confusing thoughts I never seem to be able to figure out. ( I also Looove all your craftiness). I’m also a SAHM. 3 kids btw 2 1/2 & 8. After being in a huge rut, I’ve (for the first time since becoming a mom) started making time for myself. My husband made me
Best compliment ever Jessica, thank you ((big hugs!))
It’s amazing, my message for the past few years on this blog is to make time to do things that make you happy & yet I still forget to that myself! I think that has had a part in the rut I’m coming out of now. Thank you for the reminder & I’m so glad you found me here!
There have been times when I have REALLY wanted to know how things are going to turn out. But in reality, most of the time we don’t know. In fact we CAN’T know. The more I practice being comfortable with “not knowing” the better things turn out. Most of the time my life takes a turn in a way that’s better than anything I could have tried to figure out. I keep a running list of all the things that have happened without planning or worry. It’s now 5 pages long. Trying to figure everything out is based on fear of the unknown. Now when I feel myself getting spun up and wanting to know the ending when I’m actually in the middle, I say to myself, “I am moving in the right direction and this is what it looks like right now”. Immediately I feel better because it’s true. Trying to figure everything out is not only impossible and counter-productive, but exhausting.
I’m going to remember that Susan…”I am moving in the right direction & this is what it look like right now” and I’m going to add “and that’s ok”
Because it is…thankyou for the reminder. (:
I listen to the Kane show once in a while and I happened to hear about your Instagram then blog. I am not a blog person – I have never written a blog nor do I read them but yours I connect with. Through your writing and realness I can relate. I think we have similar personalities and it is very ironic that many of the things you post are similar to seasons, feelings, situations I am going through too. Anyway not to ramble but I respect and enjoy reading your postings. I hope it is therapeutic for you because it definitely eases my tension at time to know I am not the only one not meeting up to every single over achieving standard I either set myself in or find myself in. Thank you for your authenticity. Today my #happy30 is reading this post. =) Enjoy your vacation!
Jennifer, your comment totally made my day, in fact it is my #happy30 for today because it is exactly why I keep writing…it is healing for me to put it ‘on paper’ but the true reason I do it is to know that it’s therapeutic for others who are going through something similar. I’m so glad you found LPM & thank you for taking the time to leave a heart felt comment, it means more to me than you know! (:
trying to enjoy the moment is so hard. my three boys (4, 2.5 and 1 year) are all in daycare/preschool. the bills are through the roof. my husband and i often talk about getting through until August 2015 until my oldest is in public school. but i often tell myself – stop wishing it away. one day i’m not going to be the shining star to them. there are many, many, MANY hard days and nights and i often have to remind myself that sometimes i have to let balls drop to cherish the moments, even though it is so, so difficult. while i feel like some of our (yours and mine) struggles may be different, i do also feel like i don’t know which ball to drop. i think the most important thing is that you are happy. and your kids are happy. so if that means you drop all the balls, all the rules, you do it. life is too short. enjoy your sunny vacation with your little ones.
Thank you Stephanie…and you are so right, sometimes when you just can’t give anymore you just have to hold on to what’s important & let everything else land where it will & have faith that it will be ok. Easier said than done though, right? (:
First, I am just relieved that you and P are not having problems in your marriage… you alluded to stuff you cannot really discuss in a previous post, and I was concerned. (I know, WEIRD, because I’ve never met you and all… but hey, I was also sad when Jessica and Nick divorced, and I feel I have more invested personally in you! OMG, I need to get a life, don’t I?)
Anyway… I think I understand where you are, if only just a small bit. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband was completing his doctorate. He was in the midst of applying for internships, and was applying all over the East Coast. I was working (and basically the main breadwinner at that point of our relationship). There was a stipend attached to this internship, but the highest was in the $30K range. If we got sent to WV, that was doable… If we were sent somewhere else? That would be difficult, to say the least. It would mean dipping into savings, for sure, because there was no guarantee I would get a job wherever we went. In any case, there was a lot of blind faith for me during those days. I basically just had to surrender to God, something that has always been one of my biggest struggles (I like the illusion of having control!). Ultimately, it all worked out; he was placed locally, I was able to continue with my job, and we ended up buying a house 6 months later. But, oh, those days when we had no idea what the next chapter held? Were terrifying for an independent control-freak like me. I have come to believe that everything DOES work out in HIS perfect timing. It can be terrifying to sit back and wait, but it does work out. And these times make our faith stronger in the long run… especially when you are able to sit back from a distance and look at what was happening (that you had no idea of at the time) and just marvel how He was totally in control and working things out in ways in which you were completely unaware.
You’re so funny Wendy, & look how well it worked out for Nick & Jess in the end! Lol!
Our marriage is certainly not perfect & those bumps & bruises along with the ‘days when we have no idea what the next chapter holds’ because of stuff with his line of work…it’s exactly how you described. We also really wanted to buy a new house but then were thrown some surprises that made that a big ???, it’s been such a darn roller coaster & exactly how you said, it’s a big a-ha moment to finally realize that’s it’s ok, in fact it’s the way it’s supposed to be, to just sit back & TRUST. Truly having faith is harder said than done my friend but I’m learning…& somehow it’s all happening right when we’re on vacation when is a nice blessing, I needed to get out of that house, get away & get centered. Now it’s time to go home & try again with a fresh start.
Woah, the dye on their hair is permanent?! Kind of surprised since you always seem so protective of the girls (in a good way) and because they are only 3 and 5 (?). I don’t know why that didn’t click earlier because your pictures show them in a salon and salons usually do permanent work.
Yeah, I would never put permanent dye near their scalp where it could get into their systems & also be a more permanent decision but by just doing the bottom few inches I figured it was a fun thing to do for the summer & then cut it off before school starts in the fall. Although to be honest with you, I’m SHOCKED at how much it has come out. I guess it’s the swimming & being in the sun but Sam’s is 100% gone & Soph’s is just a little bit of pale blue at the tips so it really turned out to be quite semi-permanent. Oh well, saves me a haircut! (although they actually need one anyway)
Very interesting….Just keep breathing! everything will be alright, you have such a great family!! 2 lovely girls (I know they must be a handful, but hey! they are healthy & beautiful) and a great husband (of course he has his bad side, but all of us have them) Keep writing and if you are not feeling it, then just take pics…I wish you the best, now and always (even though I do not know you in person, I kinda feel like I do) XOXO
Thank you Elena (: And I like the idea of it being ok to just take pics sometimes…
I was wondering when or if your video was up for the dip-dye hair color session you did on your sister in FL. I am not sure if I am just overlooking it on the site. I tried doing my hair two months ago but haven’t had much success. I am looking forward to the video.
Look for it next week for sure!