This last week has been so tough it’s really got me thinking about what life is actually like verses our expectations.
There are these beautiful moments we experience that keep us going but sadly, when you break it down they’re actually few & far between.
90% of my day is made up of unexciting experiences. A day of errands, tasks & work that is mundane but completely necessary for life to function. Then unexpectedly there is a sweet moment where I take a step back from my whirlwind of to-dos & truly enjoy life. It’s when Sophie walks over & gives me a kiss out of the blue. Afterwards she looks me dead in the eye, smiles & toddles off. A kiss & run. It’s just enough to take me out of the never-ending list in my head of what to do next & truly live. Or yesterday Sam spiked a fever & was so miserable she was trembling & out of breath. I opened my arms & she curled around my body with her head buried in my chest. I rocked her slowly back & forth while humming, trying to do anything to make time pass a little easier for her while we waited for the Motrin to kick in. In a few minutes I felt her little body relax & the whimpering stopped. She was comforted. In that moment, knowing I was right then & there giving her what she needed was so fulfilling. To help someone you love so desperately is a beautiful experience.
But life with my children isn’t really what I’m thinking about today, I kind of expected that to be a ton of work with little recognition.
I never thought marriage would be like that though. Maybe I could blame it on fairytales & romantic comedies but regardless I had this unconscious expectation that married life would be a lot more enjoyable experiences & a lot less work. People might have told me, or maybe not, but either way I was not prepared for it to be so much effort with only a few small instances here & there to truly enjoy. There are these beautiful moments when he kisses me on the back of my neck while I’m washing dishes or I happen to mention some problem to him, we talk & I walk away from that conversation feeling so much better because I know that guy truly gets me. Those are like jet fuel boosts that get me through the other 90% of our life that’s boring, repetitive, sometimes annoying & often exhausting.
I wonder though, is truly living only 10% of your day just realistic or is it somehow letting life pass you by?
I was watching ‘Obsessed’ last night on Lifetime. I don’t know why I watch this movie every time it’s on television, especially the Lifetime version that leaves out all the f-bombs when Beyonce kicks Ali Larter’s skinny ass, but something about it I get lost in. I realized last night that what I’m so attracted to is this make-believe marriage between Sharon (Beyone) & Derek (Idris Elba). They’re both beautiful, they just moved into this gorgeous house, they have a beautiful baby that never cries & a sexy, ramped up sex life. Derek is oh so in love with his wife & she is this perfect, sassy woman who somehow is always in skinny jeans, jimmy choos & always has the energy to ‘take care of her man’. I get so mad at her. There are so many scenes where I’m spilling my wine because I’m waving my arm at the tv going “This is such bull$#@!!”
One scene in particular sticks out where Lisa (Ali Larter) is going over her list of office duties with her boss Derek & she mentions how she already sent his wife roses because it’s Monday, & every Monday he sends her flowers. What?? He sends her flowers every single week? This is what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m missing something in my life but I just don’t think that’s a realistic expectation of a marriage. Marriage is messy. We forget about eachother 90% of the time but the other 10% can be great. And maybe that just needs to be enough.
So what do you think? Should you strive to make more out of every day life or relax because you know what life is really like & there’s no reason to stress about making everything better. Just let it be & know that you’re normal, your marriage is normal & to worry about it being anything else is setting yourself up for an expectation that can’t be met.
Lisa
What a great thought-provoking post today! So glad I found it.
I agree with you that life is hardly ever how you dreamed it when you were a little girl.
10%? I agree with you, when you look at that number, you wonder if that is enough.
I always try to remember that there are many people out there that would give anything
for part of your 10%. Moms struggling to have a baby, would give anything to be in your shoes, dosing Motrin and getting a snuggle. Single people who are ready to share their lives with someone but can’t find the one and would give anything to find their partner as you did, mess and all.
I just try to remind myself that my 10% is truly something to be grateful for. Snotty noses, messy husbands, and all!
Lisa
Natasha
Grateful is a wonderful way to look at it Lisa…I’m going to remember that, thank you. (:
samantha
My husband and I had a LOT of problems 2 years into being married. We had a beautiful new home, and new baby and we should have been madly in love. What we were though was miserable. We were not working very hard at our marriage at all. For a lot of reasons, new house, new baby, both working fulltime, with me gone at 4:30am. We just kind of took each other for granted and didn’t try. We saw a marriage counselor that almost laughed when we told him we were shocked that at year 2 we were already have such huge problems. He told us, years 1, 2 & 7 are the hardest. I was shocked when I found out how much WORK a marriage is. It’s literally a 24/7 fulltime job. You learn to read your spouse so you know immediately when he’s happy, or he’s angry. And as his wife, I find myself always wanting him to be in a good mood, which isn’t always easy.
We just celebrated #7, and so far so good, but we work hard at it. We don’t know too many people I trust with the kids, so date nights are far and few between. We don’t get a ton of alone time and that can get kinda tough. Somehow though, we always seem to make it work. I agree though, it’s about 10% and 90%…..
But that 10%, oh how I love it.
Natasha
Samantha, wow, seven years huh? I’ve heard it gets easier after year 5…like at that point you know the other person so well that it’s not “work” as much. You think that’s true? We’re celebrating 5 this April. I’ve been hoping for the last 2 years that 5 is some magical number and it’ll become more second nature.
samantha
I found that after 5, you do get to know them better and are able to understand them more. I think 7 is hard on a lot of people because the “itch” kicks in. Our “itch” kicked in at year 2, so we’ve gotten it out of the way. I have been the happiest with him the last couple of years. We’ve gotten into a groove that although not very exciting, works for us.
Walden121
I have no children yet, a dog was an adjustment enough to our relationship. I’ve only been married 1.5 years, but we have lived together for 8 years. I agree, you think it’s going to be different, that things will just slid perfectly into place and be this Disney happily ever after. It’s not, I doubt it really is for anyone . . . I agree with your theory of the 10%, but the 10% is more than enough for me because the 10% is wonderful. For the 90% I’d still rather go through it with him than without him.
Natasha
Mmmmm…I like that last line “For 90% I’d still rather go through it with him than without him”
Miranda
I love that you can be so open about things. I think that this post sums what just about every woman goes through here and there. I am always beating myself up for not making life more fun and creating more moments for us to cherish but reality is, I have 2 boys, 13 months apart and most of our “moments” are created right here in our home because I don’t have the energy most days to go outside and “live life”!!! The most I can do everyday is love my kids to the fullest I know how, and to always answer to “Mom?”, even though I hear it about 2 zillion times in a day between the 2 boys. Being able to give them my attention even though I know there’s laundry, dishes, and mom time to be had allows for that 10% to happen. Of course it’s important to know that some days it will 20 or 30 or even 50% of truly living.
I’m sorry to hear that Sam is so sick. I will keep her in my prayers for sure! And I hope that once all is well in your household, that you treat yourself to something special! You deserve it!!! 🙂
Natasha
Thank Miranda, you always have such sweet things to say. And it’s so nice to know you’ve felt the same way too, it’s just so darn hard sometimes!
Zoë
I am not married however I relate to you in this post only living 10% of the time. I think a lot of times people in relationships get caught up in the repetitiveness that they honestly forgot to do things for each other. I was told once that you can never expect some one to do something for you, people are not mind readers they need to be told. Maybe if you tell Kane how you are feeling you two can have an honest discussion and see where both of you lie on the topic. This may help you have more of those moments with him if he becomes aware of what you need on a daily basis. I know that this may be hard especially since you don’t seem like the type of person that puts yourself first (in a good way). Just remember he can’t read your mind and you can’t read his but you are both more likely to make each other feel happier if you discuss what you honestly need in the relationship. I hope this helps… I look up to you two as a strong couple that is making it work with insane schedules and two wonderful kids.
mario chalmers
I’m a 26 year old who doesnt have children or wife or even a girlfriend! I live with my parents still , go to school, and I’d like to say I have a pretty decent blessed job that gives me steady income. This basically translates into ” what does this kid know? he’s just a baby!” I may not know an ounce of what your feeling or what your going through but I’d like to think I do know a thing or two about life. I may be young but man i’ve been through some tough times, and I like to pop in and real your posts from time to time (its for your amazing recipes I swear!) and every now and then I hear you vent about how tough it is to be a mom (it’s okay, we all need to at times) and I read this today and you know who you remind me of? My mother. And she is probably the strongest woman I know. When we first came to Maryland we had nothing. Lived in a small apartment off congressional plaza in rockville and my mom drove a beat up 1978 honda til I was about 8 and was a part time employee at CVS. Of course I was young then and didnt really understand what was going on. I began to notice when I hit middle school and my mom bought a townhome. Why did she buy a town house? because my brother and I wanted one. We wanted to be like our friends who live in big homes and not apartments, so she made an effort to buy one for us. After she bought the house I never saw my mom. My grandmother from Bolivia came to live with us and became my full time mom because my mom worked from 6am-2am every day. Not monday through friday, but everyday. Just to afford the mortgage. Now, i did not mention my dad not even once why? because he stayed behind in the apartment in rockville, he didnt want to move and pay all that mortgage. He pretty much just left us behind. Fast forward to today, My mom works for childs services after going to school for it and my brother and I are grown with my autistic sister and we help my mom and do whatever we can to help her make her life easier. My mom is my hero because I look back and see everything she has done and has gone through to be able to give us what we wanted. I know you may be thinking what does this has to do with me? well because, I hear and read the struggle your going through and you feel like there wont be a rainbow at the end, but a wise man once told me “things always get worse before they get better”. And even though its very hard and rough there is always some sort of positive light in all of this. It’s hard. I get that. But from reading some of your posts the past few years it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you know what? your still here. You weathered the storm and your here and your giving your all to do what you can for your family. As far as movies goes those things are a trainwreck in disguise. It’s a movie for a reason and we shouldnt take life lessons from movies. The reality is what we see in movies is what we would like, but its not like that. So I wouldnt be jealous of beyonces character lol. Things never turn out the way we want to but you know what? the happiest people make the best of what they got. It’s possible, you can do it. I know it seems like you only have 10% to offer to your husband but I listen to him on the radio every day and all i hear is how he truly does loves and appreciate you. He may work a lot and not do the things the guy from the movie does, but he does view you as his superwoman. No matter what happens in our lives, theres always something to smile about 🙂 Lets be grateful for our blessings day in and day out. Life is so much funner and happier that way. But you’ll get through this, your a strong woman I can tell. From pictures it looks like you have a beautiful home, your kids have a dad around to help (mine wasnt), and you got us, your fans, your supporters. So maybe..its not so bad afterall? Idk, im just a kid. All i can say is keep your head up and keep moving, you can do it 🙂 hope this helped.
Natasha
Wow Mario. Wow.
Your comment literally brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it actually reminds me a lot of my own & my amazing mother who gave everything to raise me on her own. You have an amazing amount of insight for a 26 year old guy. I certainly never knew any guys in my 20’s who had such life perspective. There’s a lucky woman who gets you one day my friend.
Thank you for your insight…it’s very good to hear.
Tammy
It is hard. I often find myself wishing I was doing better. I’ve been married nearly 20 years and it has yet to get easier. The first nine years were hard and ended in divorce. My husband and I remarried each other and now have two kids. We’ve been married the second time nearly 7 years. The second time around has been better and we’ve faced obstacles (infertility, adoption and a child with special needs) that we definitely wouldn’t have survived during our first marriage. There are times I look at my husband and think “who the heck are you.” I can tell you this is not how I saw my life playing out when I was younger. However, I’m just really grateful to be on this journey with my husband as my partner. He doesn’t always make it easy and he’s not the most romantic person-but he’s mine and I love and appreciate him.
Natasha
Thank you for your honesty. It’s good to hear your story.
Karri
Natasha-
I am reading along with everyone and nodding in unison. So I will try not to repeat and say this- I’ve been married 11.5 years now (o.m.g.) and while in the early years, there were times that that percentage dropped below 10%, I tried my hardest to enjoy every moment of whatever it was. As the years have gone on, we’ve had our trials and tribulations, but the % has grown. There is more time for us now. And I figure that if we just enjoy those good moments, it can only get better, right?
Lisa
I was under the Disney princess influence when I got married. For some reason I thought, even though the man I was marrying was in no way the prince charming type (unrealistically romantic), that after the ‘I dos’ he would morph into it. Because isn’t that what marriage is?! Little did I know! We had ‘adjustment’ problems for the first three years but have fallen into a wonderful place, most of which happened when I finally realized that even though he wasn’t what I thought he should have been, he is exactly what I need! He brings out the best of me, even in the most unexpected ways. I do have days when I think “Oh my God, what was I thinking when I married this man!?” but that always passes because I know I wouldn’t be happier with anyone else.
Life is totally mundane and boring, and even if the rest of my life is 90% boring and only 10% wonderful (some days only 5%), I’ll take it because I know that I wouldn’t make it through that 90% (or 95%) without him.
Billie
Ummm…Stupid Disney (and every romantic comedy known to man) has ruined real life for us women. We think that when we grow up little birds are going to dress us and sing with us and someday we’ll find a man who will love us so much just by looking at us, that whatever evil has befallen us will magically wash away and we’ll both ride off into the sunset and nothing bad will ever happen again. Stupid. But we all believe it. I’ve thought this for years. Life is hard, kids are difficult and marriage is more work than I ever imagined but you’re right, that 10% (or slightly more or less, depending on your situation) are the most wonderful feelings you will ever have and they make all the work worth it.
Emma
I am looking fwd to my 10% 🙂 I have an older child who is disabled. I am happy with 1% of happiness from him (not to mention he is a teenager!!!) I have a hubby who is depressed – I give 110% and get nothing back and am patiently waiting for my 1%.
Life is hard work. No matter what percent you get back. No one signs up for the hard bits of life.
Perspective helps.
I know I may never get my 10% or even 1% but I am happy with the choices I make. I am content in me knowing I am doing the best I can. And am open to whomever can give me the best they can when they are ready 😉
There is tons of mundane. Weeks even. But everyone has mundane or else nothing would get done! I focus on how lucky I am. To have a family. To have the choice to homeschool, to have a job and own a small business. I am lucky to be me even if some of my days totally suck 😛
Juewelz
This post really spoke to me. Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about life and the choices I have made. So far what I learned is I have made a lot of decisions based off of 1- Going with the flow 2- Doing what I thought should come next and 3- Trying to live up/ catch up to the expectations/lives of others whether on tv or friends/family. And what has this done for me? Caused me to waste a lot of time and money on degrees that don’t interest me, caused lots of stress and anxiety and most importantly confusion. I am thankful that at 27 I have my masters degree and an okay job however a month before graduation I had an epiphany, ” What am I going to do with this?” haha and 10 months later I still do not know. So you know what I am going to stop living my life 10% I want it all because when it’s over it’s over. I am going to do my best to try and appreciate every little thing that I have and people in my life.We all have bad days but I’m going to do my best to change those days in to moments. Life is too short not be happy. 🙂
Shannon Curran
OMGosh! I’m SO glad you were so honest about this! Thank the Lord its not just me who feels this way! I don’t know how we do it. Life just sucks most of the time. It does have its beautiful moments but geez 10%? Who can survive off of 10%? Somehow we do and we just keep going. Day in and day out we keep going. I don’t have anything savvy & wonderful to say that might make it better 🙁 but I can tell you that after 15 years of marriage and 3 children I have somehow made it throu. Well I should say my husband & I have made it through. He does have some small part of this misery right? Life for them (the husbands) is different! They don’t have all the crap to deal with that we do.
I guess this really is life and all its cracked up to be (sigh). However I will share with you one of “those moments” that makes it all worth it. One of our 19 yr old twin sons (yes the twins came BEFORE we actually tied the knot) told me that he has been lucky enough to have always been blessed with a good mom! That meant so so much to me! At age 19 those are sweet words to hear from a son.
I guess we have to just keep living for those little moments that melt our hearts. Best of Luck Natasha! Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job and you will have many of those moments to pull you through.
Merryl Chantrell
Natasha you are so right. Life is boring 90% of the time but the fact you can expect the other 10% to be extra-ordinary doesn’t always make up for it. I am 50+ and my life has always revolved around taking care of someone. I guess the reality is life is ‘dull colourless and boring’ for the most part and so repetitious it makes me want to scream and throw things sometimes. Then the 10% of the time happens and it gives you a boost. Life is not passing you by darl you are living it every day by doing exactly what you are doing. You are doing the most important job of your life by being a wife and mother 24/7. No holidays and no time off for good behaviour either. Just know you are perfectly normal and there are lots of us out there who feel the same as you. I hope Sam feels much better real soon.
Rach
I love this post. Love.
I think that marriage does take effort to work, but that is the 90% of the time. The 10% of the time is why you fell in love. The effortless part. The part that still makes you swoon years after the “honeymoon” is over. The part that makes the work you do 90% of the time worth it. When I leaned this I was kind of sad. I thought it would always be sunshine and roses. Of course, my favorite couple and one I aspire to love like is Morticia and Gomez Adams in The Adams Family movies, so you can see why it was such a blow when I realized that marriage didn’t just work on it own.
I do have to say that the older I get, the more reality sets in and I realize that I am one of the luckiest women to have married the man I married. We aren’t perfect. We have our issues. We argue. We forget to be lovey, but I can’t imagine being with anyone else even on those days where he may not be my favorite person. Life just doesn’t make sense without him and if you can say that about the person you are with in that 90% of the “making an effort” part of the relationship then I think that we are all doing pretty good.
Natasha
Moritcia & Gomez…love that
Sarah
You have totally summed it up, Natasha. I think life in general is that way, family, work and sometimes even friendship but thankfully the 10% weighs so much more then the lightweighted 90%. 12 yrs with my man, 5yrs of marriege, 2 dogs, 2 kidos & a business has totally put a strain on our marriage & i’m sure i’ve got friends who would want it all in a heart beat. That is such a hard thing to live up to though as the ‘grass is always greener’! I think i’m totaly wising up in my age and the experiences i’ve gone through in life and marriage. We have hit the rock bottom and it is a long road back but i think some days are a bigger struggle then it needs to be. At the end of it…do you have trust and repect for yourself and those closest to you? From what i’ve read you are doing fantastic…it is really hard to work on a marriage when you feel like you’re the only one home (i hear ya sista). The fact that you are aware is the key…maybe it could turn into 85% low,10% Sparkles and 5% N&P KABOOM! LOL…i’m working on that too!
Julia
Women are trained and drilled to be romantic saps. We read romance novels and listen to sappy songs and watch daily soaps and lifetime movies. No wonder we eventually think that real life should be like that. Well I learned the hard way that it’s not. Now I appreciate the little things like holding hands when we walk somewhere, or warming my cold feet in bed, I constantly have to remind myself to appreciate it but it is something that I work at everyday. In ten years as a florist I had ONE customer that sent his wife a gardenia every week on Monday. He would call in the beginning of the year give us his credit card and pay for the whole years worth at once. We would think of what to put on the card and we always had fun thinking up something new. After a couple of years the woman came in with an album where she had put every card we had ever written in there she said it was the highlight of her week. But like I said ONE customer.
Julia
Tatiana
Let me start by saying I love your blog but I respectfully disagree with this post. Although I love it because it has brought me perspective and inspired me to rebel against it! 🙂 and as a writer, isn’t that the goal? To inspire? So thank you for it. However, I’m not sure if I am more saddened by it or by the posts behind it all agreeing to settle for 10%. Come on girls! Really? 90-10!!! NO! No way, I will not accept it, 10%!!!!!!!!! I hate to even type it!!!!! Could that even be a bite from a nice piece of chocolate cake!? And let me tell you, there’s no way that in one of those days when I actually allow myself to indulge in a piece of choccolate cake that I will settle for one bite! Are we really willing to live life only expecting 10% of good things to happen? How about the fact that some people never find someone that truly gets them? Someone that they are actually willing to fight for? Someone that will fight for them? Because isn’t that what marriage is? The choice we make everyday to fight and keep it alive? I’d say finding that someone should be at least 50%…. And from what I’ve read, you’ve all found him. I found mine 11 years ago And will have been married for 5 in May. Who says you can’t meet your soulmate at 16!!!? Because that is how I feel, he’s my absolute everything. Of course, it has not been an easy road, our first year was a nightmare!!!! But it was our nightmare and we fought for our love, because that is what you do once you find that one person. Because once you find them, nothing else will do. Or at least that is what my husband’s grandma says (At 55, after 30yrs she lost grandpa and has never been the same nor was she ever able to even consider someone else, “once you’ve had the best, there’s no need to look at the rest” lol) and yes! Of course we fight and there are days when those clothes he leaves on the floor just turn me purpleeeeee! But then there are days when falling into his arms is the only thing that will make me feel better. BUT, even with the lows, I refuse to agree that the happiness I feel is only 10%. Because I choose to foccus on all of the beautiful things in my life, because I choose to notice how he always opens doors, never leaves the house without saying “i love you,” leaves the house at 4:30am to provide for our family and always, always catches me when I fall. I think the problem here is perspective and here’s mine. Of course I understand and get what you’ve written, however, I just think we should increase that 10!!!!! Found your “one”? That should at least count as 50%, you wouldn’t even have that deadly 90 if you didnt have someone else to “suffer” through it with. Still fighting for that love? Well, go ahead and give yourself another whooping 20 because the word on the street is that 50% of this crazy unpredictable things we call “marriages” fail. FAIL!! Because we take things for granted, we refuse to understand that we are suppose to fight for it everyday and we settle to believe that 10% is all we deserve. And I am here to tell you “oh no you didn’t!!!!!!!!!” And no, it is not all you deserve! I am that girlfriend that will come pull you out of any self pity sad hole you dig, I am that girl who will knock on that door untill you answer, because yes! Life IS hard but it is also BEAUTIFUL. Get up from that computer and look in the mirror, for one, you are breathing! That’s half the battle. You are part of this universe and simply because of that, you matter. And everyday you get up and get through whatever it is that you are enduring, that’s a small victory! Celebrate each and everyone one because we aren’t here forever. And this 10% nonsensense, I’ve already converted it to 80% but I am sure that if I knew the whole story, I could turn that puppy into a 90!!!!! Because our lives are what we make it, they are what we choose to see and project onto them. So quit projecting 10 because you might just get that. And for the record, I am a constant worrier who is currently having an inner battle because I’m not feeling too accomplished in the career department and should definitely lose the 20 lbs I’ve gained. Not to mention that as I type this, I am feeling blue because yesterday we had a “mother-in-law” argument, but I’m choosing to focus on the beauty life has to offer, on the love I’ve found, on the way leaves fly with the wind and on the beautiful sunset I live to see today. We all have problems, we all want more. But at the end of the day, cuddling next to your partner, or holding on to that precious baby should be worth more than 10% and it is. 🙂 – sorry for the long post.
Natasha
By all means, let loose! I love having another opinion, that’s totally why I put it out there…to hear another perspective. Although I think I still disagree with you (:
Angela
My husband and I always joke that the reason our marriage works is because we went into it with the expectation that it was going to be hard as balls and it probably wouldn’t work out. We got pregnant six months after dating. We weren’t even living together when it happened. So everything after that was done very timidly with little to no expectation of anything good coming from it. We moved in together expecting to hate living together and were pleasantly surprised. We expected parenting to be a nightmare and while that was partly true, we were utterly surprised by the fact that the majority of the time we felt so truly blessed and happy by this little being. When we finally decided to get married, when our son was 8-months-old, we were both terrified and and said we’d give it a year and see what happens. Four years later (and 2 kids), everything has been better than expected. We have our ups and downs. Life is boring my definition, but we love that. We have no desire to be getting down and dirty most nights. We have always enjoyed just talking for hours, which is what we do after our kids go to bed. There are times I lay down to go to bed and we end talking for 45 minutes before he finally turns the lights and I go to sleep. I guess going into all of this with the expectation that this was going to be hard, hard work and the only way it would work is if we both wanted to put in the effort, has made most of our time together a pleasant surprise. And when we hit a rough patch, like this weekend (over housework, as usual), we aren’t ready to throw in the towel because we expected it. I realize you can’t go back in time and change what you thought marriage was going to be, but going forward, you’re expectations can be adjusted. Think of the boring, repetitive times not as monotonousness but as comforting. There is a lot to be said for knowing how life is going to go. Also, give yourself a break. I get the feeling you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be “perfect”, everything falls to you, cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. Cut that out. It isn’t all your job. And if it doesn’t get done, you haven’t failed. You’ll get it done another time. I say this as a mother of two who goes to school full-time and works part-time, I fall short of my to-do list A LOT. And my husband is the one who constantly reminds me that it is OK. None of it is my “job”. Give yourself a break and lower your expectations for yourself, there is nothing wrong with that.
Natasha
Ha! I love that, set the bar really really low & you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised. Smart.
Andrea
Boy did this post really make me think….
I think it’s a phase. Having young children can kick your ass, in so many ways that I think I learn to appreciate those little moments we have together. But I also remember that the time we do have to spend with each other is also spent trying to sneak in a shower, do some laundry or just.lie.down. I had to let go of some expectations and really connect with the reality of it all. Marriage is hard and it is a lot of work. But I honestly thing God puts those little moments in there to remind us that it is all worth it and that you have a partner in life who is on the same team.
Natasha
Sigh. I think you’re right.
Angela
Like the other Angela, my husband and I went into marriage knowing it would be difficult. Neither of us had any expectations of the other changing or saving the other. We married each other as was (and is). Neither of us had parents with healthy marriages, so we aspired to have ours be different. We are very close and, after ten years, he is still my best friend. It is a lot of work and we fight when we are both burnt out. We are expecting our fourth child this year and he’s going back to school for two years for an advanced medical degree, so I imagine things will get tense. However, before he applied, he was adamant that we were both on board and that it was both our dreams. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate(d) that.
As far as division of labor, housework is both of our jobs and it was from the beginning. We didn’t live together before we were married, so the first year was an adjustment. The seventh year was also very trying, but we made it. We are both stubborn and wanted it to work. I think once divorce enters into either person’s mind, then it becomes an option, you know? We have opted that we’re in this forever and that we want it to be a healthy and happy forever. I think, as the other comments have said, that expectations can be unhealthy and cause problems. My husband and I are open about our expectations but are flexible in them, as well. I think kindness towards each other and being appreciative of what each partner contributes is so important. As for our relationship, I’d say 75% great, 25% challenging and, knowing all I know about him and our marriage and all the things that have happened, good and awful, I’d marry him again in an instant.
Natasha
Wow, 4 kids AND school? I’m impressed, you guys must be pretty solid.
Kate
I love how much this post made me think. I say strive to make more of each day! I do actually know a husband who buys his wife flowers every week, and sometimes it makes me feel like my own relationship is lacking. But like a few other commenters, I choose to find the good in every day. And if I feel like those good moments are lacking, I make them happen! I’ll come up with a fun project or game for my daughter and I or just take a walk with her and talk about nothing. I tackle the husband when he’s just laying on the couch zoned out, and I’ll force a snuggle out of him (he’s never turned it down). I’ll create a little joy in my day by making a new recipe and watch my family enjoy it. Sometimes I’ll just look back a marvel at the life my husband and I have created together out of some really tough circumstances and realize how blessed I am. Yeah, laundry and work and paying bills and cleaning are BORING. But if you can find little ways to make them better (my daughter loves to help clean, and I’ll chase the husband around a towel snap him to liven things up!), it’s not so bad. I think one of the most important thing a couple can do for themselves is do something every month, more if possible, to remind you of WHO you are without being parents. Find the time for just the 2 of you to do something that you did before marriage and kids. Stay up late talking and discovering new music. Drink a bottle of wine when the kids are asleep. Whatever! The laundry and chores will wait. Create the joy you want to see in your life. Even on the slow days, I’d say marriage, while tough, is more than just 10% awesome. You just have to look for it, and if you feel the good stuff is lacking, create it! 🙂
Natasha
You’re right…it may not be flowers but I’m sure there’s sweet stuff he does everyday…like he makes the girls their yogurt smoothies before he leaves for work every morning. That way I just grab them once the girls are up. Come to think of it, that’s actually better than flowers.
April
I read a really great article once that talked about how too many parents of our generation are putting their children first, before their marriage and that is causing their marriages to be ruined. I believe that. Marriage needs to be your foundation. You and your husband are the rock that has built your family and without the two of you, there wouldn’t be your children.
I’m not saying you don’t focus on your marriage because I’m very new to your blog. I do listen to your husband’s radio show every morning and that’s the only glimpse into your life I get.
This article didn’t say you shouldn’t take care of your kids and you shouldn’t make them a priority, it was just saying that they shouldn’t be your #1 priority. Your marriage should be your #1 priority, followed by your children. I’ve always believed this anyway because it’s what my grandma always told me. “A happy marriage allows for happy children” she used to say. She raised 10 kids who were all happy and successful so it really stuck with me. And, it’s just logical.
My sister-in-law doesn’t even bother with her husband anymore because her whole life is her 3 boys. Many moms of our generation are like this and this is why marriages are ruined. Women become so obsessed with being a mom and their children that they neglect their husbands and their marriages. It’s just a shame really.
I practice putting my marriage first and it shows my 13 year old what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
Maggie
I used to feel that way, and you know what I think has helped the most? I stopped watching TV and those kind of movies. They totally do set you up for unrealistic expectations and feeling disappointed that life isn’t more exciting/our husbands more romantic. My viewpoint has changed, I know the most romantic thing my husband does every day is go to a job he doesn’t love so I can stay home with our one and a half year old, he doesn’t buy me flowers or even help with the house work but, the other thing that helps my perspective is I know how truly awful it can be with the wrong person. Where you drive home thinking about just yanking the stearring wheel to the side and driving into a tree. I feel so lucky that I’ve made better decisions since then and have married a great guy. Sounds like you’ve married a great guy too. If he’s your best friend, supports you and let’s you be yourself that is the 90% and the 10% magic is a bonus. You’re a lucky girl, sometimes we just have to count our blessings!
lisa
I just read this and although I 100% agree that marriage is messy and sometimes really difficult, my husband does send me flowers every Friday, and has for over 10 years (since before we were married). Some weeks, that is my 10%, though. It is nice that even during those weeks when things have been really difficult, he still sends flowers, and usually writes something silly or sweet enough on the card that we can move past whatever has been the problem. But becoming parents, as wonderful as it is, can be really hard on a marriage, and I don’t think anyone ever tells people that, so that what is really normal marriage feels like something that’s falling apart.
Natasha
Wow, really? That’s pretty darn awesome.
Julie
I am a lover of chick flicks and anything romance but I don’t know i watch because they always leave me questioning my own marriage. It’s far from happily ever after. No music plays when he kisses me and our problems are not magically solved in an hour and a half. 10% may be sad but im ok with it because it is real. And whenever I am bummed about the situation And thinking “is this really what marriage is?” i try to remind myself of the little things… I can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes. But he never gets mad at me. He always let’s me win! And I know that I can tell him I feel like punching his lights out and his response will be “ok baby.” life and marriage may be a mess. But its OUR mess.
Natasha
exactly julie. couldn’t have said it better myself (:
Kathy
beautifully written Natasha 🙂 i think we can all relate to these feelings whether we are a few months in or have been married for a decade or two. it seems like the 10% becomes worth it, when and only when…we find the person who makes it all worth it.
love your honesty and down to earth blog.
KR
cheryl denise
i always come here when i’m down in the dumps. when you blog about these things, i hope you realize how helpful you are to others. it helps to know that i’m not the only one thinking these things. i hope you continue to share posts like these – b/c there aren’t many people out there in the blogosphere this real!
Natasha
Thank you Cheryl, you have no idea how much that means (: