I’ve always thought of myself as a really strong woman. I’m very strong-willed, determined & not easily taken out. At least that’s what I thought.
This Lyme fiasco has me questioning that strength however. Somehow over the last 6 weeks I’ve gradually stopped doing everything. Granted, I had a good reason, but still, inadvertently I put the brakes on my entire life. Fun activities with kids, quality time with my husband, blogging, cooking, crafting, running…everything that made me “me” slowly stopped. At the same time I also gradually become depressed. I think I knew it was because I wasn’t doing what made me happy anymore but I don’t think I quite realized how much my life had changed. Until yesterday. I had a meltdown like a 3 yr old. It was something stupid that triggered it, something P said made me snap at him & then before the poor guy knew it I was a blubbering, snotty mess on our bedroom floor. I went on & on about how my life is a mess… I worked so hard to build up my blog & now I’ve neglected it so much over a few weeks that I’ll have to work twice as hard to build my readership back up. I busted my butt to get into the habit of running & now I’ve quit & will have to start all over…in the winter. I’m a terrible wife because I’ve neglected my husband’s “needs” for an embarrassingly long amount of time. I got Sam excited about ballet lessons & then put off registering her for too long & now the class is full. Wahhhh! (It sounds downright petty & ridiculous now that I’m typing it but in my mind it was end of the world)
That’s when my loving husband cut me off & said, “Natasha, you have got to get yourself together. Put your big girl panties on & man up. Yes, you’ve had a shi**y month & it sucks but now it’s time to suck it up & move on.”
Not quite the speech I imagined, I was thinking more of a slowly wipe the tear off my cheek while sweetly bringing me close to sob on his shoulder kind of situation but after I thought about it for awhile he was right.
I’m a little embarrassed that I’m fragile enough that a couple months of illness could make me into a major mess but it did & the only way out is to brush myself off & move on. No one else is going to do it for me so what am I waiting for?
Yes, I wish I could be as strong & brave as others & just take my lumps & move on but it hasn’t really come naturally for me. It’s been a tough lesson learned. Thank God he didn’t send me something really devastating. I always thought that if a rough patch hit I’m the type who would be the strong, stoic one to guide my family through but turns out I have a lot of growing up to do. And manning up to do.
When life’s thrown you a curveball have you crashed & burned or rock & rolled?
Ashley
We’re still reading!!! Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Kara
Still reading. Still here.
Kimberly Limer
I hope you feel better soon,and I still check your blog every day π I can relate to a lot of the things you are saying, I don’t have lyme, but I have a thyroid problem too, and I try to take on way to much all at once, and eventually it all catches up to you. Take your rest and don’t think so much about all the things you have to catch back up on and do, just do them when you feel ready. LOVE your blog and I tell everyone about it. Take care!
Kira
On what PLANET are you not a strong person? You put aside things that didn’t matter at the time to put your heath first. That is an incredibly strong thing to do! And you taught your girls a very important lesson. That when they are grown ups and have children of their own that they are worth putting their heath first if and when they need to!
You are awesome! And don’t let anyone (especially yourself) tell you otherwise!
Natasha
Thanks Kira, will you be my official cheerleader? (:
Rach
I’ve done both, but I have noticed that since I have had kids, I tend to crash and burn more out of pure exhaustion. No one tells you that with the joy of having children there also comes guilt, heartbreak, fear, a sense of never being good enough, a need to overachieve instead of simply enjoy and the worst being the constant competition with other moms that is so unnecessary. Trying to do all of that AND be human is impossible. Thus the crash and burn part. I think the first 5 years must be the hardest. I am only on year 3 with 2 kids now and there has to be light at the end of the tunnel right? Just know that you can crash and burn all you need to as well as pull yourself up by your big girl panties and face the world and I will still read your blog. You are honest and open, creative and funny, real and kind and that to me beats any super mom any day.
Natasha
Thanks Rach, I hadn’t even thought about adding the regular exhaustion of being a parent, SO true
Sarah @ Engineering Deliciousness
I’m still here too!! And I have to give it to you- I break down much more regularly over much much less. We all get our mountains and we all have to struggle to find our own way over them- I think you’re doing a great job. I can’t believe you’re finding the time to post what you have. Just take time and get better π
Natasha
Thanks Sarah (:
Meg
HOLY INSPIRATION!!! I recently wrote a very similar blog because I just wasn’t sure I could do it all! And while, its sad to see that you weren’t in the best spirits, it’s very comforting to know that I’m not alone. I’ve recently become a single mother of a two year old (who is actually a 20 year old in a toddler body) and I swear the only time I smile recently is by listening to KANE in the morning and reading NATASHA in the afternoon. So, I was sad that I didn’t get my FULL daily dose of your fam but I’m so happy that you’re on your way back to being YOU! YAY! And now Ive been inspired to be ME again! Woo hoo!, because I’m tired of being tired! Can’t wait to see what you have in store! Welcome back, we’re all still reading! π
PS. Winning the money from P’s show would probably help the old me return a little faster; wanna put in a good word for me!?! JK π
Natasha
Ha! I wish, I’d love some nice pick me up moo-lah too!
Brenna
A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with cancer while I was pregnant with our first child (and working full time teaching kindergarten). Life was sooooo crazy, but we pushed through and now we are on the other side. I think at that time everything was so out of the ordinary that I didn’t even have time to feel sorry for myself. However, I agree with a previous poster who mentioned that once you have kids things like that are more difficult. Now, I feel like I get myself worked up over things. Probably because we give so much to our kids, and it so hard to find balance when life is normal, let alone when we get sick or something else unexpected happens. Don’t worry, you’ll get your life back. And most likely, you’ll be even more grateful for it than you were before. That’s one of the benefits to going through rough times:)
Natasha
Wow, you’re superwoman Brenna, thanks for leaving your story. It’s super inspiring (:
Alexandria
Its all about perspective. The last few months have been particular rough for me & my house as well. My husband is taking it well, but I have had more than my share of mini meltdowns & tantrums. The wondering of who I am, what have I done, where will I go. It stinks & its not fun. But something like a story of a mother who lost their child or an email from a friends who’s marriage is falling apart snaps back to reality to realize that my life does not suck. Minor setbacks, but nothing that will change the course of my entire life like other people. I try to remember daily that I need a new perspective.
I’m sure you’ll bounce back & everything will fall back into its natural order.
Natasha
YES!! That’s exactly how I feel! It’s SOOO nice to know others feel the same (:
Michelle
Many of your readers aren’t going anywhere – including me! As far as crash & burn or rock & roll – I’ve done both. But what you learn by crashing and burning is that it is such a waste of your time. And in the end, you are disappointed in yourself and nothing is fixed. I’ve grown to rely heavily on the Lord. He allows me to be sad; to grieve a situation. But then, if I allow Him to, He will strengthen me and allow me to go on. From 1997 – 1999 I lost my 8-year-old son, had a baby 11 weeks early, and was diagnosed with aggressive and advanced breast cancer. Those years were very difficult. But – I cried buckets, grieved many losses, and submitted my very life to the only One who could carry me through such things.
There’s nothing wrong with crashing and burning. Don’t beat yourself up about that. You’ve been through such a difficult time. The difference will be what you do now.
I look forward to watching you grow through this and what you will have to offer all of us on the other side!!
Natasha
Oh my goodness Michelle, I can’t imagine! YOU are epitome of strength to survive such trials. I admire you!
Julie
But you are strong! It takes strength to recognize your weakness and that you need to change. You can totally do it! You haven’t lost us and were all rooting for you!
I had a similar situation in college when I was being a major B (putting it lightly) to my friends… all the time, my grades were slipping, I was distant from my family. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) was active duty Marine Corps & stationed overseas and I missed him like crazy. I was a crabby mess all the time. Then one day they sat me down and said, “we love you but we cant deal with you like this anymore”. Everything they said was true, it was a massive eye opener. You tend to neglect the people who you know won’t ditch you and that was the case with me. I went to my doctor and started a medication and counseling and it changed my life. I wouldn’t be the happy (med free) confident person I am now if they hadn’t sat me down 7 years ago.
You have family and friends and most importantly a treatment for your illness. Not to mention all your loyal readers! Take time to regroup and whatever you decide you’ve got support!
Natasha
Thanks Julie, that makes me feel much better. Thank you for sharing your story (:
Jen
I just wanted to let you know that I’ve read for several years and stupidly/selfishly have never taken the time to comment(sorry!) BUT I want you to know that I’ve been reading and will always continue to read for as long as you have something to say! You don’t need to work twice as hard to get readership back, we haven’t gone anywhere π
Lisa
I check for your posts daily – as I am sure many more people do than you imagined! π
I had to suck it up about 5 years ago. I was diagnosed with Liver Disease and Lupus all at once and was in the ICU for 8 days. I feel like I mentally made the choice to live at one point. It’s been a rough road back, but I had my daughter to live for, as well as for myself. She’s now turning 18 next month and tells me every year on the anniversary of the day I was told I wouldn’t leave that hospital alive, how very proud of me she is.
Take your time. We’re all here for the ride. Thanks for being you and sharing everything you do with all of us! Hugs!!
Lisa
Sometimes a breakdown is what you need to be strong. I learned a long time ago that I’m a very strong woman that has taken on a lot in my short life, but I’m only strong enough to take on what’s a head of me after I’ve taken a moment for myself to freak out a little bit. You have to give yourself time to grieve for whatever (be it missed ballet lessons, etc), only after that can you see it for what it really is, something that is not really as big a deal as you once thought, and move past it.
Glad you’re feeling better!
Christina
Pshhh I think we have all had those moments. Please do not feel bad at all. I still read all the time! Even if it isn’t as often I know other things are priority! Like getting healthy again. I know you will be back when you are ready so do what you need to do and we will all be here waiting for you π
Amy
You are definitely super strong just in the fact that you acknowledged something is wrong and you need to get out of your funk. It would have been much easier to turn yourself off and become numb to everything.
And…. still reading! Part of the reason your blog is so great is because it is real. Keep your head up!
Pati @ A Crafty Escape
I’m so sorry to hear you have been feeling crummy! Take care of yourself!
P.S. Come by my blog for a chance to win 25 FREE Shutterfly Holiday Cards: http://acraftyescape.blogspot.com/2011/11/giveaway-shutterflys-2011-holiday-cards.html
Diane
Natasha – still reading! hang in there – all moms have their moments. I became a SAHM in September and I am still trying to figure everything out. My house is messier, some days I don’t get out of my PJs! I think I was the first to comment on your c25k post – and I have yet to take one step towards running and I also planned on starting a blog – I just created my header but haven’t written a post. We all have our setbacks and we need to focus on what we have done and plan to do and not how we could have and should have been doing something. I am glad that you write about these issues instead of pretending that motherhood is all sunshine. Good luck with your recovery!
Emily
Life is hard on a good day. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a break down from time to time. It happens to all of us! As many others have said, keep it in perspective, but don’t beat yourself up for having a bad day. Find ways to improve your situation, things will get better!
Tery
I am a new reader…just found you as you were getting sick…and I am hooked. I love your blog. You are so open and honest AND you are strong. You never know what you can handle or what will be thrown your way. So what…there are a few bumps in the road it can’t always be smooth sailing. These bumps might be there to show you what you have and what you CAN handle. Yes, man up and put your big girl pants on…this most likely isn’t the first struggle and unfortunately it won’t be the last. You will come out on the other side a much stronger woman than before. Good luck. You started running before you CAN do it again.
Samantha
I know there are lots of big blogs out there who do a fabulous job of posting faithfully every day whether what they are posting is any good or not, but I don’t care.
I’m much happier to stick reading blogs that interest me where the writer shares themselves with me than those that ‘create’ a new t shirt every week by sticking bits of vinyl on.
Maybe you will lose readers through being ill, but then are those the readers you want to attract? No…wait….that’s friends we should be talking about, fair weather friends not readers. Oh well, anyway, I’ve lost what I was going to say now. Pointless. Anyhoo, I’m still reading and still praying you recover quickly. Just try re introducing the things that make you happy….no need to volunteer for cleaning out the fridge anytime soon eh π xx
Carmen
I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere! I LOVE your blog, your honesty and sense of humor. You make me feel like a “normal” mom and I appreciate that like you wouldn’t believe! Being a mom is so hard and we put so much pressure on ourselves to take care of everything and everyone else it’s hard NOT to have a break down sometimes. Pull up your big panties girl, you got this! Hugs and take care of yourself!!!
Lisa
Still here reading & still loving your blog. I can relate to exactly how youre feeling. I had horrible HG through both of my pregnancies, requiring a PICC line and TPN for 18 hours a day for my entire pregnancies. With that comes no eating, no cooking, no cleaning, no work, no hobbies, no feeling good, and no sanity. The first time was hard enough, but add to your responsibilities… taking care of a 2 yr old when you literally cant do anything!! Its terrible, and just as in your mommy pills post, I too completely lost myself for about a year and a half after my second childs birth. Afterall, I really had lost a year and a half of my life completely, while pregnant. However, you do finally snap back and when you do youre going to be even stronger than you were before. Stronger because you realize you are not superwoman, supermommy or anything else super, you realize you are human. A strong human knows when to get help. A stong human doesnt let their weaknesses take over forever and most importantly a strong human takes their times of weakness and uses them to only make themselves even stronger going forward. Hang in there, you can do it! It may take time and help, just dont ever be afraid or embarrased to ask for help when you need it. Thats what family are friends really are for, good times and bad.
amy pinney
I did the SAME THING the other day! I’m 8 months pregnant and MISERABLE, and I feel like it’s ruining my life–my “sex life” consists of me giving it up and grinning and bearing it for the sake of my husbands needs, my daughter is so bored its ridiculous because Mom hurts too much to play anything but blocks or a puzzle (which is turning her into a monster, which turns ME into a monster because she’s annoying), my house is a mess….it all just fell in on me the other day and I went *hysterical*. It’s hard when you get in a funk like that and can’t seem to find the way out…I totally understand. The past couple of days for me have been a little better–here’s hoping you find your way out soon too!!!
Natalie
Hey there… been reading since just before your diagnosis, so not too long but I wanted to leave you a comment. Lyme is such a monkey scratcher (as your hubby would say). I have been dealing with similar symptoms for about a year but lyme test was negative and western blot was only partially positive so they won’t treat me. I know that lyme is so tricky and just makes you feel like crap– and a lot of people don’t get the “I just don’t give a crap” mentality that happens, but it’s like a switch. Your brain and thoughts turn to mush, and then to emotional mush. It’s okay. Just know that all your readers are here for you. π While they may not understand exactly what is going on with you (because you never truly do unless you’ve been feeling lymie), they know you have to be away for a bit and you aren’t “neglecting your readers”. You won’t have to gain us back, we’re all here waiting. π patiently. I really hope for your sake that you caught the lyme early and that this last week of abx is all you’ll need. Just make sure your doctor keeps an eye on it since it may not be gone with only four weeks of abx if you’ve had it for a while. π good luck!
Natasha
You should totally insist of getting retested Natalie, the chance of false-negatives on Lyme tests are VERY high!
Lizkaren
Hey Natasha, I’ve been reading your blog a little over a year. I don’t think that a little( I know its not so little) is going to keep your faithful reader away. I hope you feel better and remember that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. You inspire me so much with your crafts and how you can manage to put your emotions into this blog. I have a 18 month old baby boy and am a full time receptionist and if I was able to do have the things that you did with your girls I would be content. Sometime God puts things in our way but remember that he always provides you with the tools to over come them all you need is to know how to use them. Again I hope that things start turning around for you.
Love one of your faithful readers
Liz
Karen
Your still in my reader and I check in whenever I see you’ve posted again. Take the time you need to get better. Your readers are still here. I went through perhaps a similar experience with what was then diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. Many of your descriptions of how you feel resonate with my memories of that time (about 8 years long). I can’t say that I crashed and burned but the kicker is that I DIDN’T HAVE KIDS. Thankfully even though I was very sick when I got pregnant, somehow the pregnancy “reset” something for me hormonally and I’ve been doing much better. I have crashed and burned into a blubbery mess a few times as a reaction to some extreme sleep deprivation that has come with my non-sleeping little chunk. I cringe to think what I would be like if I were sick like I was then while being a parent. And I have only one child! All you can do is your best on any given day. If you have done that, then give yourself grace for the rest.
Wendy
I swear, I could have written this post. Only my “Lyme” was pregnancy. I had a rough one. Sick all the time, and, oh my, the crazy! Not just a little weepy, but full-on sobbing (for no reason) that I could not stop that would go on for over an hour. Panic attacks. Agoraphobia. All thanks to pregnancy hormones (and added progesterone to help support the pregnancy) that threw me completely off. I too, am typically very independent and… capable? Not sure if that’s the right word. But, suddenly, I felt very incapable and that made it all 100 times worse. I avoided doing pretty much everything, and I became increasingly depressed. I second guessed everything about myself, my strength, my abilities. I basically was scared of who I was, and that I was not going to ever be my old self again. It was horrible, and it is very much the reason that I am terrified to try for a second child. I desperately want one, but am absolutely terrified of being that person again. It really shook up everything I had ever believed about myself. So yeah, I think I get it. For me, it was just feeling so inadequate that really got me down. And I almost wished for a devastating disease so I could at least have an “excuse” for being so inadequate. Which probably sounds horrible, right? But it’s true.
Natasha
That doesn’t sound horrible at all Wendy. I totally get what you’re saying. And you know I was the exact same way when I was pregnant with Sam. I cried & more often was SO SO angry! The hormones made me a really ugly person. It wasn’t quite as bad with Sophie so have hope. Although I think it probably has to do more with the fact that I already had Sam so I was so busy taking care of her that I didn’t get as overwhelmed by the pregnancy symptoms as much…that & you know what to expect…
Brittini
Admitting that this has knocked you on your feet IS strong! Much stronger than slowly suffering in silence and refusing to admit there is a problem. [Which is what I would probably do.] And you’ve reached out and asked for help, which probably wasn’t easy either. People who are usually so on top of things have a much harder time coping when suddenly they cannot keep up. Your body is not functioning the way you are used to, I think it would be weird if this didn’t effect you emotionally.
Mindy
sometimes you just need a brief, blunt reality check to snap you back in gear, like P did.
Celeste
Dear Natasha-
I like you ever so much. I don’t think I’ve ever commented though (wait, no, I think I did weigh in on the boobie post) but you are one of the blogs I always get excited to see in my reader. I am shocked to hear that you don’t feel very strong, and would like to meet someone who is stronger, cuz I would punch them in the crotch & call them a big fat faker. I firmly believe that life is made to be as difficult as possible for each of us individually. At least at certain points in our lives, it shows what we are made of & humbles us, brings us (hopefully) to rely on someone other than ourselves & gives people an opportunity to show their love. Thank you for being real and honest. There is not enough of that in the pretty little world of blogging.
Things’ll get better, and you’ll be better for having gone through this.
Natasha
Celeste, you made me laugh out loud & put a happy spin on a day that was starting out grumpy. Thank you (:
Niki Turner
LOL. I could SO relate. I’ve had so many curve balls I think ducking has become a reflex… which is unfortunate when you really need to HIT the ball!
I’m married to one of those guys whose advice is summed up in “suck it up and deal with it, honey.” After 20+ years of marriage I can honestly say I’m thankful he is that way… otherwise I’d be so tempted to wallow in the abyss of misery and pity. Suffice it to say, women who marry those kind of men do so because they are STRONG and God knows it!
Heidi
Sorry to hear you had such a rough time. I think it just proves you are human. I am definitely a loyal reader and will not go anywhere. I wanted to come up with some sort of wonderful words of wisdom, but you have so many posts all with great inspiration. Kira and Rach said everything I was thinking. Being a parent really does change so many things. For me it was a tremendous weight gain, bad work schedule, failed attempts at fertility treatments to get pregnant and changes in my body…etc. Things just started going downhill, slowly at first and faster recently. I ended up going to my doctor to discuss depression. It just wouldn’t go away; all I wanted to do is sleep. It was so hard to get out of bed or go to work. I didn’t even want my son around. That is what really scared me. So, my doctor has been working with me on medication and we are trying to find something that works for me. I feel so much better. I actually laughed and played with my son this past weekend. Point being we all go through tough times, itβs hard but we make it through. You are a strong women who deals with two young children every day. Even though I work and am not a stay-at-home-mom, I think people underestimate that responsibility. There are no days off. There are no breaks. Its 24-7, it never stops or goes away. You are very blessed to have a husband and family that support you. And although we (readers) aren’t there to physically help, we are here for support.
Natasha
Heidi, that’s exactly how I felt when I had PPD after having Sam, the meds will help & before you know it you won’t need them & will be back to normal! Keep your chin up, it’s so common!
Perla
Hi Natasha,
Just found your blog and I love it. How did I stumble upon it? googling things on lyme disease…why? because I was diagnosed with Lyme just recently after a few months of not feeling like myself and also have a co-infection, babesia. Let me tell you, I have been on antibiotics for 1 month and already see a big change. What do we need to conquer now, is how powerful the mind is, and not letting this lyme or fear get to us, especially hearing things such as “chronic lyme”. Keep positive, as I have to repeat the same thing of being positive to myself everyday. Keep on posting on how you feel, knowing that someone is going through this and is getting better also gives me courage that all things do turn out ok.
hugs and strength.
Angela
Still here. Not going any where.
I married my husband because he was the only person who would tell it to me like it was. I think it’s great you and your husband have that relationship, too.
Are you familiar with a “fuck it bucket” from The Rooster (short story by David Sedaris)? I think you should read his book “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” If laughter is the best medicine…
Billie
When life gets difficult I usually just crash and burn. I feel like, for the last 3 years, life has been throwing me curve balls and all I can do is stand there and get beaned in the head!! We had a major family trauma that literally tore our family apart, my husband and I both were out of work (and are again) and all I could do was cry and sleep. There were days that I had to force myself out of bed but it was the hardest thing to do. I did end up on medication, eventually, after nearly being hospitalized for depression. I still struggle but I have to say that reading your blog has helped me a lot. From making me smile to giving me something new to try to just letting me know I’m not the only one who has these moments. I will always be a faithful reader. You ROCK!!
Natasha
That’s the best compliment ever, you have no idea how much it means to me to know that my blog helps your day be a little happier! (:
Gaby
I so happy that you are feeling better. Keep up with the good work. I really enjoy reading your posts. ;D
Brissan
I love your website! It is by far the best I have read in a long time.
Natasha
Oh wow, thank you so much!