Today I’m wondering how much people really mean their wedding vows or how many of us were just hoping to mean them…
When you stood up before everyone in that beautiful dress and handsome tux can you HONESTLY say (and I mean the honestly deep down in your heart where no one else will hear it) that you will never EVER get divorced? You’ll never give up? You never wonder for just a moment when you’re in the midst of an awful fight if you’ll end up divorced? I think if we’re all honest the majority of us will admit that deep down we wonder if our marriages will be able to make it, obviously though I think most of us often would be too ashamed to admit it. Then again with the divorce rate being over 50% it must be true, right? Or are we just in denial until it’s too late?
When you said for richer, poorer did you REALLY mean it or did you just hope to mean it?
What about sickness & in health? Did you honestly mean that one? Probably. Especially being a woman, I don’t think most women would leave their husband because he’s sick and couldn’t handle it. We’re too maternal for that. I think.
And then the big one…”till death do us part”. Can you honestly HONESTLY say that you’re 100% sure that you’ll be with your husband until you die?
Marriage is tough and when you’re the blushing bride I don’t think you really get how hard and ugly it’s going to be at times.
Is it ok to question it? To admit that you hope it lasts but you’re just not sure it will?
Does that make you a bad spouse or just an honest one?
Deep thoughts for a Wednesday night, I know. I obviously have something on my mind but can’t say names for all the internet to see, but humor me…can you honestly say that you’re marriage will last until you die?
I honestly believe that I will be married until death. But there are many days I believe that time will be brought on by me killing my husband. Marriage is hard and it can suck. A lot of people don't realize that when they get married. They think of the cutesy marriage moments, the silly fights over who took the last piece of pie. They don't think that one day you will trip over your husband's shoes for the 47th time and it will make you snap and hurl the shoe across the room and swear you're not putting up with this BS anymore. But the next morning you get up and your husband and son are sitting on the couch watching cartoons and eating cereal and you have to remember that you committed yourself to this person through thick, thin, and shoes in the middle of the floor.
Life most definately has it's ups and downs. I love my husband more and more each day. In sickness and in health: yes! my husband has a bum back and a paralyzed foot. He can't do alot of the things that he did before. His doc said the other leg is headed that way. We/I will do whatever for him. I lost my job in 08/08 and went back to work in 5/09 and lost my job again in 8/09. So, needless to say this economy has taken alot from us. My husband is my ROCK! Without him, I am not sure what I would do! We were just married for 20 years in September. We have 3 teenagers (18,17,15). My kids are the greatest (even though sometimes you want to strangle them)! We were used to helping our kids and now they don't even ask since they know that our money supply is slim to none! It breaks my heart when I have to tell them that I just can't afford something. They know what is going on, but as a parent you feel that is your part to be able to give your kids everything they want. They have seen me cry, angry and be sick over loosing my job again! I think all of this makes us stronger as a family. My husband always says, "we may lose our house, cars, etc., but we will always have each other. He is right. The materialistic stuff can be replaced, eventually, right? Yes, there are times (which is few) that we argue and you think…he doesn't love me anymore and then I think it makes us love each other more!
In my religion (Latter Day Saint/Mormon/LDS) We blieve that we will be together with our families for eternity. We're sealed to our spouces & our children (who then become sealed to their spouses) And, if we live rightously we can be with our families forever. When i married my husband, I too knelt over an alter, and promised my whole self to him, no matter what. but not just for this life, but forever. When we're in a fight or something, and we're really at eachother, i just remember that I have a lot at stake…not just this lifetime, but an eternity! 🙂 (watching our wedding video also helps!) hehe
No–I don't think we really think about it at that moment…or does it quite ''hit'' us till after…after the lovely love-bird phase fades and we are stuck with the real-deal…MARRIAGE…& to back it up–you're right..why would there be such a high divorce rate? But to tell you the truth –the one thing I know will hold a marriage is GOD! If we can have HIM in between us and have HIS LOVE it'll definitely be fail-proof…(of course it's gotta be the real deal people–no phony's here (He know's our true heart)…I now know that when i made those vows that they were not just to my hubby to be but in front of one true God…who keeps HIS promises if we keep ours in obedience ..in Love.. Love conquers all!
I don't think anyone can KNOW that. I think that you promise to try. I think that as long as you try everyday (barring some kind of abuse) that you will end up fulfilling that promise. I think that Hollywood and society don't paint a realistic picture of marriage, so people are VERY unprepared. People think it's happily ever after…but sometimes it's rally unhappy, or annoying or frustrating! It can definitely be one of the best things ever, but it can be bad too. The hard part comes in when you decide to love that person, when you choose them again, even as they are annoying you, or provoking you or just generally making you miserable! Choose your husband everyday…choose to fulfill your vows everyday…I think the wedding day is the sentimental, romantic parts of that choice 🙂
I am a regular reader of your blog. I adore you, and your family. I have commented before using my regular name but for this answer I'm just not ready to throw it on out there.
Here is the deal.
I have been married for 6 years.
It was ROUGH. I got married too young (22). I didn't know what forever meant. I also had not had a fight with my husband yet. I had never NOT felt needed. I had never been alone with kids for weeks/months on end (military related). I had never been a single parent and felt like I had no choice. None of this happened BEFORE marriage.
We didn't get married in any religion, we got maried by JOP. Actually we eloped.
It was spontaneity.
Our marriage came with his 3 kids from his previous marriage and ALOT of baggage. It also came with a VERY large age gap which in itself never caused problems, but the life experience he had that I DID NOT…did cause problems.
In April of 08 I gave up. I hated my life. I hated my husband. I felt abandoned. I was sick of the fighting. I was sick of feeling ignored.
I looked elsewhere and found it.
I let myself go there. Deep into the pit of adultery. It was intentional. It was intentional that I was GETTING DIVORCED. I hadn't told him yet. I hadn't made that commitment. I was a stay at home mom for 3 years before and had JUST gone back to work. I was scared.
I finally came clean (it went on for under a month, with ONE physical meeting…which sealed my "adultery")
When I came clean the attention I had craved, the emotion I never felt, the helplessness I hid ALL came out. I left my home, with intentions to not come back alive. I ended up in a hospital critical care unit for 2 days and the psych ward for a few after that to heal. I wanted to die. And nearly did.
When I was in the hospital my husband stood by me, and a Chaplain changed my life.
I've shared my story with 2 bible groups (of hundreds of women) and now we have THE MOST SOLID marriage I have ever seen.
We were so close to quitting SO many nights. Things got really scary at times, we were mean…so mean to eachother in the healing of it all. Physically mean, hurting eachother emotionally all the time and having 4-5 nights of no sleep at a time to talk things out.
There were 3 more times I left the house with different means to give up, but after I made it through the big one, I knew I was meant to be here for my kids.
If you saw me, you'd NEVER know I've been through this. I'm only 28, I'm HAPPILY married, I have 2 beautiful children and life is good.
I NOW KNOW that forever. Til death do us part, will be us. And hopefully we can continue to encourage other couples to fight harder then they thought they could.
Wow, so long… but there you have it. Deep questions tend to get Deep thought answers.
My husband is my rock, and we are deeply devoted to eachother and our Savior. And by SAVIOR, I mean every single meaning of that word.
I can't see myself with anyone else but my fiance. But I wonder. I look at people that have been divorced and I wonder if they knew at their wedding if their marriage would end that way? Isn't a promise to do your best all you can do? And without getting too theological, won't it all end up the way it should anyway?
That said, I'm so excited to get married and take our vows!
Mine was a rather spontaneous marriage to a good friend- Turns out not all good friends make good husbands. I suppose in the back of my mind while saying the vows I was doubting, and wondering how long we would make it- maybe a few months? And I was right, our marriage essentially ended 18+ months ago, when I was pregnant and he was entertaining a long time gal pal with a 6 year old who my husband felt he had obligations to (not his kid!). So after arguing for so long over this girl and not trusting him, I should have walked away then. Now we just see each other in passing most days working different shifts, and he isn't really my friend at all.
I married my best friend 13 years ago after 4 years of dating and living together. He came with 3 kids from a previous marriage. At 20 (age when we meet) I was a mom to his children. When I said my vows I truely believed it would be forever. I vowed to only get married once. I can tell you that over the course of 17 years there have been really great highs and really awful lows, but you just work through it. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I follow your blog and I'm a faithful listener of P's show. I think it is natural to question life and marriage. There are times when I think to my self "why did I do this?", then I look at my husband helping my daughter get things ready for her first child and think this is all I ever really wanted in life. I have 4 great kids, 5 grand kids and I'm married to my best friend, what more could I ask for. Keep your chin up and stay in there and fight for what you want.
Marriage is hard. It requires a lot of work. I don't think people often realize that and then when times get hard they just give up and throw in the towel. I've been married for 14 years now and there have been plenty of times that I've wanted to walk out the door and never come back. Those moments usually only lasted a few minutes though. I married my husband for time and all eternity and divorce has never been something I've considered as an option. We have arguments, we frustrate each other all the time, but we know that we'll get through it. Our family means everything to us and there is no way we would want to break it apart. I love my husband, he does so much for me and our kids. We continue to work on our relationship every day. I think realizing that our marriages could end in divorce helps us recommit to not letting that happen. If you really want something, you will do everything in your power to keep it. When you add kids to the mix, your relationship changes. It's hard being a mother and a wife at the same time. You feel that your child should come first at all times. Your husband loves your child but starts to miss you and the times when he had you all to yourself. Making time for your husband is essential. You really do need to continue to "court" one another. Kids are always happiest when they see that their Mom and Dad are happy together. Too bad marriages don't come with a user manual. But then again, what man reads directions. 🙂
My husband and I have been fighting since the day that we met. I literally yelled at him at my friends wedding to help me pick up. That's when we first met. lol We fought on the way to our honeymoon in Galveston. We had only been married for less then 10 hours. We always fight right before our anniversary. It just happens, we try not to but, it does. We have been married for 13 years. He's my soul mate. There's a song by Pam Tillis, Sweathearts Dance. It was playing when we were engaged and slept together for the first time. We played it at our wedding. People looked at us like we were nuts but, it explains us to a T. We were really close to getting a divorce 10 years ago. My father past away the day before I was going to leave my husband. We got back together during our grief. We've had so many ups and downs but, we make it through each one. I can't say that we won't ever get divorced. But, we will try our best not too. ;O)
Sweetheart's dance, that's what we do
The two heart two-step baby, that's me and you
Sweetheart's dance round and round
Make out in the corner
Lover's quarrel, sweetheart's dance
Sometimes babe I hate you 'cause my love's so strong
And then you make me feel so right
I think it must be wrong
You move me, you move me
This love don't make no sense
We make each other crazy baby
And dance the sweetheart's dance
Sweetheart's dance, that's what we do
The two heart two-step baby, that's me and you
Sweetheart's dance round and round
Make out in the corner
Lover's quarrel, sweetheart's dance
Love sets us in motion and gets down around our feet
We're living to the rhythm of our hearts together beating
I love you, I love you, let me whisper in your ear
Let me kiss you on the shoulder honey
Let me hold you near
Sweetheart's dance, that's what we do
The two heart two-step baby, that's me and you
Sweetheart's dance round and round
Make out in the corner
Lover's quarrel, sweetheart's dance
Got your hand in my back pocket
Got your eyes all off in space
How 'bout we just get out of here
And find a quiet place
Sweetheart's dance, that's what we do
The two heart two-step baby, that's me and you
Sweetheart's dance round and round
Make out in the corner
Lover's quarrel, sweetheart's dance
Make each other crazy
Dance the sweetheart's dance
You do your best. Both of you not just one of you. I think that when two people have the same goals then it makes the hard times alot easier. It's easy for one side to think of all the imperfections the other has, but I think what most of us don't stop to do is look at ourselves. I've found that more times than not alot of the arguments could have been avoided if we stopped ourselves and looked at the whole picture. Sometimes I think I don't realize that my husband is probably thinking the same thing. I know he loves me and I know he wants things to work no matter what. I think if we have a spouse that we know loves us and wants to work things out then I think both parties can worry less about Divorce and concentrate more on what the task is at hand and do their best to find a compromise. I know that when I looked my husband in the eyes I was promising all of myself and doing the best that I can do. I know he did the same and that's all we can ask of each other. If there's love, respect, and patience then I think no matter what comes our way then we can get through it.
My husband and I have only been married for 3 years, but we have been through a lifetime of problems in that time. We have dealt with his anger and trust issues, drug addictions, fights that belong in a ring, not in a living room….you name it. We had a baby (surprise) a year after we were married, which of course did nothing to help our communication (or lack thereof) nor either of our not feeling loved or appreciated by the other. We had one last huge fight and seriously discussed getting a divorce (something we promised we'd never bring up). At the same time, our young married group at our church began working through a book called the Love Dare. Yes, it deals with your relationship with God, but it really teaches you about what love really is….something that most people know nothing about when they take their vows. I began doing this on my own. My husband wasn't interested in doing it. But it even talks about your love not being dependent on the other's acceptance or willingness to reciprocate that love. After a couple of weeks, he started as well, and I will tell you that even in the first week of us both doing this book, it changed my life and our marraige! We have chosen to love eachother. I have chosen to set aside my expectations (what I thought our life together would be like, the fairy tale, even just the reasonable things) and just let him be him. He is now trying to do things that make me feel loved and appreciated. We still disagree and even fight sometimes, but the choice has been made. If you have passion to fight, then at least you still have passion and that is somewhere to start. Did I understand any of this when I said my vows? Not even a little bit. But I'm learning now, and I will continue to learn to love unselfishly, without any expectations. I will be praying for you, that you will find peace even in the middle of war.
Yes, it is okay to question your marriage. I'd even go so far as to say your marriage might grow stronger from questioning it. Ultimately, isn't it easier to support and defend something that you've really thought about, grappled with, and examined from every angle than something that you just superficially believe in? If you have seen the bad side of marriage and still stick with it, then you have made an empowered choice. If you never have anything but roses and champagne, do you have as strong a marriage or just hope you do? (Not that roses and champagne aren't welcome now and then!) Maybe that's why people say their marriages are better after going through struggle.
It sounds like you have a lot going on in your world right now (I'm also thinking of your "Oh, there she is" post). When I have multiple problems/issues on my mind, they seem to magnify each other and make everything seem worse. Give yourself time on everything. Take respite in Sam and do something nice for yourself! Problems won't necessarily go away, but you might give yourself some perspective.
I truly meant my vows. I plan to be with my husband "till death do us part." I would like to think it is because my love and devotion, but honestly it mat be because of my stubborn pride. I made those vows to my husband and God and I intend to keep them, no matter what. 🙂
nobody expects when they get married that they will end up divorced….to say you will stay with your spouse "no matter what" seems like such a fairy-tale-ish frame of mind to me now…i meant my vows with all my heart when i got married, but most recently (about three years ago) i discovered my husband was having an affair and i don't even care about repairing this relationship anymore. it's really sad because i invested 15 years of my life with this man, two children, a home, made many sacrifices along the way…i would have done anything/everything for him and he was too immature and selfish to realize what he had at home…we are still together but i am basically "just here"…i think a good marriage is a lot of work, it doesn't just happen….but, i am hurt, tired, humiliated, disgusted, and simply not inspired by the whole idea of marriage anymore…
I cannot imagine not being with my husband until my last breath..has it been easy? Not always. Are there things I would love to change? Absolutely. Am I going anywhere? Only wherever he is. We have been together 25 years..and have faced many challenges. I recently had a Starbucks cup that told me of how freeing making a commitment is..that when we commit to something wholly it is freeing us to be authentically ourselves. I really believe this. My vows are as sacred as they were when I first spoke them..only now I see how fragile we both are seperately , how much stronger we are together and how deep our love flows every day. Till death? Without a doubt!
I don't think it is fairy-tale-ish to say that I will stay with my husband no matter what. Everyone has their own convictions, but in my wedding vows I said "for better or for worse" not "unless you cheat on me." I made sure that I chose carefully because I value marriage as a serious life commitment and when I said "for better or for worse" I of course hoped that worse would never come…but I meant what I said.
Thank you so much for touching on something we're all afraid to discuss. I, too, have been questioning the very same thing and it has helped tremendously to read everyone's thoughts. I have to realize that I am not perfect either and I think the overall question is this: if given the chance, would you marry that person all over again? And I would. Especially when I look at how great he is with our children and how happy they are to have Mommy and Daddy together. Do I know without a shadow of a doubt that it will last forever? No. But I know I'm going to do my best and that's what really matters. I, too, was married young (21) and lived in fairytale land. But here I am, almost 10 years later, still fighting every day for my beautiful family. I will say a prayer for you and everyone in this same situation that God will grant us peace, strength, and happiness.
I think more women remain married for the sake of the children, when there are children in the picture, even through cheating, betrayal and domestic abuse…is this part of the "for better or for worse" vow? How much of the "worse" should a marriage go through before it's okay to walk away and try to find peace and happiness alone?