I feel like a yo-yo.
The other day I felt SO good, it was like the old me was back but even better! Effexor XR is supposed to really help with feeling bleh, fatigued and not wanting to get off the couch and boy did it ever. I told P I was so energized and focused that it felt like I was on some sort of supermommy illegal drug. All the laundry got done, I cleaned the dogs ears, emptied the dishwasher and organized my bathroom drawers, and all of that was during her morning nap!
But now I feel back down again, I don’t feel constantly depressed like before the medication but I’m easily pushed back to the dark side. For example, yesterday morning P and I got into a typical married with kids argument about who had gotten more sleep and who should get up with Sam when she decided vacation meant getting up at 6a.
Normally I could shrug that off and know that after he has some time to wake up he won’t be such a grump and we can make up and move on but yesterday I just couldn’t quite get that reality through my head. For some reason a very normal argument felt like the end of the world…”he’s going to leave me, we’re getting a divorce, he hates me…” that’s when I realized that even though I had a few good days I still wasn’t quite there yet. I HATE being so vulnerable, knowing that one little bad experience can spin so out of control, I know in the moment that it’s not as bad as it feels but can’t make my emotions accept that, it’s very very frustrating.
I emailed my Dr. and told him I wanted to make the switch to Zoloft. The insomnia is TERRIBLE and combine that with the feeling like I’m on speed one minute than crashing and burning the next and I think it’s time to assume that this may not be the right med for me. A whole bunch of you wrote me and told me that it’s pretty common to try a few different medications before finding the right brand and dosage, I guess that’s true.
Speaking of…let me just say thank you again for taking the time to comment or email me…
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Every time I check my email and I see a new “Samster Mommy Comment” I get such a smile because I know it’s going to be something encouraging that will make the day a bit better. And I always read them to P. I guess part of me wants to keep reminding him that he didn’t somehow end up marrying a crazy person who was just waiting to come out but depression is really really common among moms, and that it’s not his fault. I know he carries a lot guilt and thinks that if he just tries hard enough he can “fix it”. I think that’s just male nature. But of course he can’t fix me, I can’t even fix me, that’s the whole reason I finally came to terms that I needed medication and therapy, the help of someone else, something else.
One other thing I wanted to say today is that when I started this blog it was just to get new mommy issues off my chest, then it turned into a place to post my interests- crafts, recipes, favorite things, now it’s my outlet to express all this craziness that is my head right now. I’ll still post crafts here and there and maybe a recipe when I make something yummy but mostly I just want to write about the everyday journey I have in front of me, good days and not so good ones. (since apparently those aren’t behind me yet)
We’re taking Samster to the beach this week so I’m hoping that will help. I mean come on…palm trees, sunshine and little baby belly tanlines, how can you not smile?! I’ll definitely post some pics of Samster’s muffin top bikini bod, it’s just too cute not to share.
Thanks for listening…again.
Feel better! Enjoy the beach – sure wish it was beach weather here! Loved making your pincushion by the way – thanks for the tutorial!
Hey Natasha,
I recently went to visit my doctor because I was having simular problems I seem to be a lot more blue then I have ever been. I think that the problem I have is the every day stress of having to run a household while my husband is working, but keep in mind that I work full time and have to come home and tend to an entire family. Thank god my mom comes and helps but I really miss hanging out with friends and doing nothing. My dr has recommended me take Zoloft but I refuse I believe that I can get through this with out medication and surronding myself with positive people. What I have started doing when I feel sad or angry at the world, I take Kristian and Sienna to the park or for a long walk. It gives me the time to think of what is making me sad and if something dumb like a retarded thing that John said I will usually come back apologizing to him. I have that same worry that some day John will leave me, but I also think that he will nover find anyone like me crazy or not! 🙂 Times might be tough but always remember that you have a husband and family that love you more then anything, Samy's smile and watching her grow is the greatest gift of all!
Have a great VACAY
Allyson
I agree – rest up and enjoy the surroundings other than the usual "Groundhog Day" life we all lead. I think you need to adjust but its good you're communicating with your doctor about you're noticing in your habits.
Ever since I switched to NFP then got pregnant – I understand the emotional rollacoaster.
Jealous of your beach time. Relax to the sound of the waves!!!
Happy Fourth to you and your family!
Things will get better soon. Some depression medications take around a month to work. I am currently on Zoloft, and it seems to be working well for the anxiety issues, but not depression (at least for me). The best thing I took was Prozac, but an extended amount of time, it stopped working. I feel like I just snap off at my family at the most insignifigant things (example: someone used all my sugar and I found out when I went to bake a cake and went postal). But remember, things will get better. If one doesn't work well, test the waters with different dosages or different meds. A lot of them will keep you up all night, or cause stomach aches, etc. *Usually* the symptoms go away within a few weeks. Good Luck & have a great trip to the beach.
Katie
P.S. – Love your blog. Your website is the reason I got interested in cooking! Thanks 🙂
First of all let me say that I am envious of your courage to open up about everything you are feeling. I chose the route of denial thinking that everything I was feeling was normal and I just wasn’t accustomed to all the responsibility of motherhood. I’d say it gets easier (which some days it does) but you never know what kind of curve balls life will throw at you. It may never get easier but you will get stronger and learn to find the happiness inside of you. What helped me is to find something every day to look forward to- whether it be painting my toenails during nap time or flavored water at the grocery store. I am sure that everyone is telling you how completely normal it is to feel how you are feeling but I am sure it doesn’t feel normal to you. It will come in time and one day you will stop and think to yourself “I haven’t felt down in months”. Just try to make the best of every day and plan something to look forward to each day.
Hey,
I understand how you feel. I used to be on med's but I just couldn't find that right combo, and I am now doing it just with therapy… and let me tell you it is NOT easy living.
Too many people view mental illness (situational/clinical) as something you can "just get over", but it really isn't.
It's nice to read that there is someone else out there who is also a survivor, just trying to fit into this world of unexpected surprises.
Have a great time at the beach!
Use nature as a healing source, and I hope you find some peace!
Natasha,
Although I did not experience this after the birth of my son, many of my friends have and it is very common. I don't know why it happens and I wish I had the magic pill to take it away for you and all the other moms. Keep expressing your feelings through this blog cause sometimes I know family is great, but they might not understand. This will eventually pass and we are here to help you through it.
On another note, I wanted to tell you that I did visit that park I mentioned to you in my email last week and it is AMAZING! I know you live in MD, but it's totally worth the drive. Sam will have a blast and it may be some good time away to just focus on that beautiful little girl and her giggles and talk to other moms. I promise you you won't be disappointed. I highly recommend it! I posted some pics from our visit on my blog. Check them out!
Have a wonderful vacation!
Hello,
I came across your blog doing a google search.Love your creativity!! The projects you have created are awesome. I read your blog entry "down then up then down again" about taking anti-depressants and I must say that these are not the answer. Jesus is what you need and are desperately searching for! Jesus died upon the cross 2000-something years ago for our sins, He bore ours sins so that we may have life and have life abundantly! So many people in this world try to fill the void in their hearts with the things of this world ie. money, material posession, careers, relationships, but let me say Jesus is the ONLY one who can fill this void! I've seen many people who have turned to anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs to no avail. They usually either end up addicted for the rest of their lives (can no longer function w/o them) or worse off then before. They also make some people do awful things. Do a little research and you will find that many awful stories in the news are related to people who were either going on or off these medications. The bible says, in John 3:3 that unless a man be born again he shall not see the Kingdom of Heaven. How can you be born again? Accept Jesus Christ into your heart and allow Him to be your Lord and Savior. "He is the Way, The Truth, and The Life" Jesus will give you the peace you are desperately seeking! I too am a stay at home mother of three and work part-time managing an online business and let me tell you it's not easy! Without Jesus in my life I would definitely not be who or where I am today! HE is my strength and not medication. He loves you and wants to show you His love for you! He wants to be real in your heart. Before I accepted Jesus into my heart I was such a mess, so confused and miserable in life. Some days I didn't even want to get out of bed it was just dark, always dark. When Jesus came into my life He just changed my whole world and gave me a joy and a peace that this world could never give me. Of all the things I had tried in life I could not find this joy that is unspeakable. If you are reading this and feel a tug at your heart, that is God knocking at the door of your heart and wants you to let Him in. Revelation 3:20 says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come into him and dine with him, and he with Me." Simply pray and ask Jesus to forgive you of all your sins and ask Him to come into your heart and be your Lord and Savior. May God Bless you!!! If you would like you may email me missumerica_8@yahoo.com
Anonymous, thank you for your comment and taking the time to write that. I am a born again Christian but I have to say that I believe God blessed us with brains & with medications to help us not in the absence of prayer but as an answer to it. I prayed more than I ever have in my life and can honestly say that Zoloft was a true Godsent.
Unless you have been through PPD yourself I have to STRONGLY warn you against judging those who choose to take medication. It can LITERALLY save lives. Do you really want to be responsible for someone not taking medication just because you thought they should just pray it through?
To Natasha:
"Do you really want to be responsible for someone not taking medication just because you thought they should just pray it through?"
Well said.
To missumerica:
Perhaps better study of the Bible would help you to not take verses out of their context. Rev 3:20 was speaking to those in the Laodicean church (those who were already saved). This was not an offer for salvation. This article may help you understand the Bible a little better:
http://bible.org/article/revelation-320-and-offer-salvation
God bless you Natasha and others who may read this.