Hello my sweet friend! I know I haven’t been on here in awhile. A longgg while, but it’s not because I haven’t been writing. I was talking with my mom recently & was lamenting to her about how I felt trapped on a roller coaster of emotions that I damn well wanted off of. Normally writing here, to you, helps tremendously to relieve those ups & more particularly, the downs. It isn’t just the “getting it off my chest”, although that certainly helps, but it’s the conversation I get in return. The comments…”comments” sounds way too sterile, it’s the way you are willing to share your heart with me in return. The more I spill my heart on the page, the more you bless me with your own stories. Your triumphs & hindsight inspire me, while your grief & empathy make me feel not alone.
There is a problem with that system however. IT’S ON THE INTERNET! Duh, I know.
When you’re in the middle of a legal battle the last thing you should do is show your soft underbelly for others to jump on & misconstrue.
Mom suggested that I keep writing, every up, every down & every loopdy loop that makes me want to hurl.
So I have been. I have countless drafts saved in here, who know if they’ll every make their journey to the screen but it is a hissing relief of pressure. Maybe I’ll write a book! (; ((interpretation: winky faces=jokes))
Back to today, I wanted to jump on my laptop after taking the girls to school because I wanted to ask you something different.
What is the process of grief? A big, pretty vague question, I know I’m asking a lot with that one…
I’ve never experienced grief. Well, not a great unexpected loss. My mother was a ‘single mother’ (that’s a topic for another post, I see you DCUM ladies who give me hell for that! (: ) & I grew up living with her & my two great-grandparents. My Abuela & Di (a funny nickname that I can’t even begin to explain) passed away when I was in college. It hurt, a lot. Especially my Abuela, I remember her rocking me on our front porch, I remember that she always smelled like baby powder & now that I have daughters of my own I can see how much effort she put into contributing to give me a happy childhood. We didn’t have a lot of money, (although I never knew it) & one year I remember her making me doll furniture, a chair & a couch, crafted out of paint stirrers. You know the ones they give you when you buy a gallon of paint? She sawed them, nailed them & painted them, & I loved them & her for it. I know that kind of grief, the lump in your throat, the longing for one more day, but they were both well into their 90’s. I’m sure in the back of all of our minds we were preparing our hearts little by little.
Divorce is so similar yet so very different. It boggles me to be honest, which is what I wanted to ask you…
My birthday is this week, it’s also the one year anniversary of the day I was asked for a divorce. Those first few months in my new life with children but no him were horrible. For weeks I woke up in the morning with immediate nausea, man that sucked. I cried a lot. I even tried to find a way to make it work, but eventually that passed. There has been stress & anxiety with all these issues you have to one by one resolve when you dissolve a union, a contract really, but that wound is every so gingerly healing. It takes a long time to stop looking for someone else to make you feel better. It’s like he was my well for the last 16 years & that instinct to look for him to quench my thirst took a very long time to break. I haven’t dated at all. I wanted to learn how to believe in myself, how to fulfill myself through God, family, friends but most of all through a new sprouting strength who I’m just beginning to see pop out of the soil. (man there’s a lot of plant analogies in here, can you tell I’ve been gardening?) What good am I to someone else until I am already fulfilled? That’s my take on it anyway.
Ok, off tangent, focus Natasha, focus.
Usually when I’m driving I think about what I have to do, what I want to do, what I’ve already forgotten to do! Lately however I find my mind wandering through the past, some of it are the things I miss about our family before, even that I miss about him, but by far most of my thoughts are of photographs. Me as a child looking out our screen door, Sam’s 1st birthday standing next to her rocking horse in the first outfit I had sewn for her, Sophie on my hip while I was cooking a pot of spaghetti sauce, & of course of Peter & me. This morning on the way I drove by a family moving in to their new house. I immediately thought of the last day in our old house. We asked the movers to take a photo of us in front of the house, I very vividly remember the excitement. It didn’t cross my mind that soon I’d be here with just the girls.
For the first 6 months of our separation I would sometimes yearn for life to go back to those days after I thought of the different pictures of our journey together, but now when I see the pictures it still stings, but deep down I know I’ll know that past was real, it was a huge part of my life, but now there is a new road, and my future is bright & has boundless joy awaiting for me.
Do you ever think in photographs?
(Oh! I’m also trying to get into a new career field that I really think would make me happy & be using my pre-SAHM marketing experience but that sure was a long time ago, geez I feel old. Wish me luck!)
Welcome back my fellow blogger, glad to see you post again. You have a lot going on so it is understandable why you haven’t been posting and of course due to your current legal battle as well. You also have two children wrapped up in all this which makes it even harder. When I separated from my ex-husband it was very hard. Even though I knew in my situation it was for the best I still mourned the loss of my marriage and my dreams for it. As my Mother told me, a divorce is like a death and you need to morn it even if it is for the best. I have since remarried and I now have a child and I think having a child makes a divorce twice as hard, so I cannot imagine what you are going through with that. I was once a loyal Kane show listener and only caught the tail end of him discussing his personal issues with you on the show last May. I was shocked that anyone would bash on their spouse like that on air, regardless of what they did or didn’t do. But I continued to listen because I liked other people on the show. When Dani was fired and I realized the “family” concept always pushed on the show was a joke and after reading what little you have said about him, I stopped listening and don’t miss it at all. I respect that you took the high road with this and have been careful of what you have said online and I imagine that has been tough with what has been said about you. But I think you knew, not only could it effect you in your legal battle, but your children could one day read what you write about their father. I hope once this court battle is done, Kane can grow-up and realize how important it is for you all to be able to get a long. When my parent’s divorced (and it was a bad divorce) they remained civil with each other. They were able to be at school events without fighting and even birthday parties. Now that I have my own child, it is nice that my parents and step-parents can all get together in one room and get a long so that my daughter can have all of us together in one room. Do something special for yourself to celebrate your birthday and enjoy your girls the rest of the day!
I completely agree with you, and I will admit, I thought negatively of Natasha, I drank the Kool-aid. Once Danni “left” the show and seeing how shady it was really made me second guess everything and since following her blog I realize I was wrong, she is absolutely taking the high road and is handling this with grace. Natasha, I am truly sorry for my earlier judgement. My parents divorced when I was young and it was nasty. My mom would bash my dad every chance she could and you know what? I resented her for it. When her girls grow up they will see how their mom handled things with as much dignity and grace as she could and will be proud, and love her more for it.
I just want you to know that as a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I stand with you 100%. I’m sure there will be gross and vile people who attack you, but know that others support you. I am so proud you left that toxic household and situation. It’s a real accomplishment and one that I’m sure is hard to deal with to this day. You’re an inspiration though Natasha. If you r ever need help there are plenty of support groups in the area. We survivors are a wonderful, supportive network who well always listen and take care of one another. Please stay safe and continue standing strong in this aftermath. You’re a wonderful person who did bout deserve any of what happened our what may happen because of him.
Love you so much Natasha! As hard as it may feel…the good thing about life is it always moves on. Maybe you didn’t want this for you, but you really never know how strong you truly are until being strong is all you’ve got. You’re strong mama. Always repeat -I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.
Love you so much Natasha! As hard as it may feel…the good thing about life is it always moves on. Maybe you didn’t want this for you, but you really never know how strong you truly are until being strong is all you’ve got. You’re strong mama. Always remember – I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. xo
Awesome post! I hope you get out of this better than before. I tried sending an email to your natasha@littlepinkmonsters.com but it says it can’t be delivered. Do you have another one?
Jana
Such a sweet post. Love seeing the pics of your family and hearing about your journey. But, why do you even read that blog you mentioned in your post? It’s filled with negativity and criticism. I can only imagine that seeing such untruths always written about you and people you know will bring you down even more. I want your light to shine, girl. That blog will dim it, for real!
I don’t have anything huge to add, only that even though I don’t know you IRL I find myself thinking of you often. I can’t imagine the pain and, no offense, I certainly don’t want to. Just know that there are ppl (even ppl like me who read DCUM :)) that are thinking of you.
Dear Natasha,
Its so nice to see that you are posting, each day is a new adventure my friend. In life we never have regrets and just take them as learning experiences for the future. Like I have mentioned before I am a couple years ahead of you on a divorce with 2 small children (5,8) and was married for ten years. If there is one thing to remember in all this is the true happiness of you and your two beautiful girls. You will have days when you wonder was this the right choice.. and how are my girls doing with change. Children are very resilient to change (if you haven’t noticed). Picture should bring back the great moments you had together even with P, always remember those great moments because I’m sure you had several. Remember the past are memories not regrets. Its your time to find yourself and continue to pursuing your dreams and aspirations.
Two years post separation I find myself pondering all the same things as you. Life may not go as we planned but we must make the best of it. You’re setting a great example for those two beautiful girls of yours and that’s all that matters. Personally, I’ve found strength deep inside I didn’t know I had and accomplished things I didn’t dream possible. You are a beautiful, smart and talented woman who I know will find happiness in the future. The best is yet to come and I can’t wait to see what your future holds. Until then, find joy in knowing you have beautiful memories of the past and will make more beautiful ones in the days to come. Divorce isn’t easy but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hang in there! Know that P loved you very much and you will find that again. You are strong and loving and resilient! My mother passed away very suddenly about a year ago at the age of 82. She had been in perfect health and I still grieve, cry, and want to talk to her every day. Your heart breaks and then it begins to heal slowly. Take the time to enjoy your memories and your girls and know that you learn from every “episode” in life and get better and stronger for it. You are doing all the right things! Be happy and explore new jobs and adventures.
Natasha – my own divorce was just finalized last month. We were separated for a year, and I didn’t date that entire year. At all. I grew, I healed, I proved to myself how strong I was (or more accurately, how strong Christ is within me – because on my own, I am not strong at all. The fact that my strength was not my own was abundantly clear to me). Right around the one-year mark, I decided to put myself out there and just get my toes wet in the dating world. And I have met the most amazing, Godly, compassionate, wonderful guy. I am shocked. I am scared. I am happy – so freaking happy. So, I write this to say… have hope. Things get better. They really, really do. God has a way of making it all work out just the way it’s supposed to. Do I think divorce was part of His plan? Well, no… not really. But bringing me through it with grace and giving me a full life after divorce? Definitely. He is faithful.
And, I’m listening to Pandora with my earbuds in at work while I type this – and Gungor’s Beautiful Things is playing. Well played, God, well played. (Listen to it immediately if you aren’t familiar – “You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust.”
I will listen to it now and where the heck do you live so we can finally have a coffee!!
Lol, email me.
Natasha,
I think of you and your beautiful princesses so often. I check your IG at least once a week to see what you post, how you are doing, and if you’ve put up a new blog. (I personally cringe when I read when people write to you that they stopped listening to kane but in this moment I feel like you should really know that there are def people out there, including me and a few of my friends that stopped listening after he blasted “his version” on air… the amount of contradictions we heard in just that one segment was enough for me to realize his story was BS!!! and the level of authenticity you bring to your blog made me never turn them on since.. honestly. I just CANT. end rant)
My heart aches for the pain you have been dragged through. You have such a gift in your writing, its like I feel everything you say in my heart, myself. The way you express the pieces of your emotion you share with us is a real gift. so raw and REAL. Something I look for when looking for a new book to get into (you should TOTALLY venture in that direction! You would be so successful, I know it!! #1 fan RIGHT HERE!) So glad to see you write, and keep doing it girl. It is therapeutic. Praying for you hard. You are so strong and you absolutely have so much happiness waiting for you in the near future! In the mean time, I know your girls and your gardens will keep your hands and heart full 🙂
Turn the page of your photo Album- to the new brilliant page, which is Today! Don’t get stuck in the memories of the past. It is really important to move on- be excited about the future! Live a happy life with your young children.Let them see that Mom is strong and beautiful and can handle difficult times.You can do this with faith, friends, family and believing in yourself.
Been there, done that.. I got a divorce after 10 years of marriage and had so much doubt. I started dating and I knew exactly what I wouldn’t deal with and what I wanted. Just last year I remarried to the best man in the world.. Going thru hell my first marriage was the best to handle this great gift GOD has given me.
You will sit back one day and be grateful for this trying time because you will have the one that was meant to be.
I hope you have a GREAT birthday and make the best of it. Enjoy getting to know yourself and it will help with making the important decisions that need to be made when it comes to you and your girls. I truly believe if your not happy with yourself then it’s hard to be honest and helpful to others.
in the least creepy way i keep hoping to run into you at joann’s (not only to ask your advice on how the heck i should mix patterns) but to just tell you in person that i believe in you and the example you are setting for your girls. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – you are teaching them to be strong, independent woman. i know that you are going to rock at whatever venture you are getting into.
(And what pattern & color would you mix with a gray couch, white pillows with pink ikat? i want to throw another throw pillow in but am scared to commit! gah! walls and carpet are neutral – work your magic!!)
I most definitely would LOVE to run into you too!! Thank you for the kind words, I dont even know what to say, Im not sure I feel I deserve such a meaningful compliment (because really, is there any better accomplish than to be a good example to our children?) but thank you for the kind words nonetheless.
As for the couch…
Let’s see here, me personally I would go for a snow leopard print statement pillow. Something a little tamer, I have this pillow and it ALWAYS makes me happy to see it! https://www.etsy.com/transaction/1124122256
you deserve it.
and the link won’t work 🙁 any chance maybe an email would work? i also have a picture i’d love to send you because well, i just need someone to say it looks good. i get too scared to commit!
Hi Natasha just wanted to comment and tell you how much I enjoy your posts. You are such an inspiration and so talented. I’m not a parent yet but when I am, I hope to be half the mommy you are. You are just so creative. I love your craft and decorating ideas. Also the activities you do with your girls. The things you do with them and all the memories you’re making with them, those are things they’ll never forget. They will always remember all the little things you did. You’ve been through a lot and no matter what divorce will never be easy but you being as strong as you are and holding it together even when you want to break down will help those little girls transition through such a difficult time so much easier. I’m rooting for you and admire you so much!
Hi Natasha,
I hope you and the girls are ok. Like Danni said, what’s done in the dark always comes to light. I want you to know that I’m sending lots of positive vibes your way and that you can def find a friend in me. Oddly enough I had a dream of you and the girls over the weekend. You two were happy and I’m hoping that my dream comes true. Xoxox.
Stay strong, I think we are all beginning to understand.
My heart breaks for you. You and your precious girls are in my prayers. You’re doing the right thing.
Grief is so overwhelming. I remember when I went through loss, I couldn’t make it in to work. That is so unlike me. I would retreat to the woods or the mountains. I would cry until there were no more tears. I felt myself falling deep into the valley of despair. I can only imagine how difficult it is to do with two kids. The best healing for me was when I took solo trips. I find travelling the best way to get to know yourself. You are forced out of the comfort of your home, your way and even your loneliness. I struck up conversations with people, some of whom are my close friends now! I did experiences I never thought I would do, even took up surfing. The key I think is to find what excites you and gives you peace, even if it is momentary. Most important, this too will pass. Believe in that. Believe in yourself. You are an inspiration (CLEARLY) to many! Those girls adore you. Have faith. Push yourself to be the best version of you and no one can ask for more. Everything else ends up falling in to place. Hang in there. It’s a ride but you will get through it and once that ride is over, you’re going to come out a different person. You have the opportunity to shape who that person is. Nothing but love and good vibes your way!
Natasha,
Thankfully, what we go through in divorce has already been written. I, too, was shocked by my divorce a couple of weeks after my birthday almost 2.5 years ago. It was gut wrenching and made no sense (my ex came out as gay.) Whereas different from your situation, I too had to mourn the loss of my past live, a marriage, the family I had and I had to accept a new life was waiting for me on the horizon. I found my faith and took comfort in knowing that I was loved and deserving of a greater love.
True, you should focus on your kids and healing yourself, but also allow your self to explore who you are. Let your freak flag fly and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Those two things helped me heal into the person I am today. I can tell you that the best is yet to come. My life may not be perfect, but I am now with a man who loves me for me (freak flag and all), I found a way to forgive and make peace with my ex which has yielded a better family unit for my 2 girls.
Keep discovering your faith, love yourself, love your kids, go run/ or exercise to let out emotion, find forgiveness and fly your freak flag. All will be alright. We are all here to support you in this section of your journey.
“
After reading your blog for the first time, I think I love you!
I just want you to know that as a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I stand with you 100%. I’m sure there will be gross and vile people who attack you, but know that others support you. I am so proud you left that toxic household and situation. It’s a real accomplishment and one that I’m sure is hard to deal with to this day. You’re an inspiration though Natasha. If you r ever need help there are plenty of support groups in the area. We survivors are a wonderful, supportive network who well always listen and take care of one another. Please stay safe and continue standing strong in this aftermath. You’re a wonderful person who did bout deserve any of what happened our what may happen because of him.
Hi Natasha. I came across a post in this week’s Washington Post and my heart just breaks for you. Clearly so much more is happening than any of us can possibly imagine or perceive. You are a very strong woman! And I wanted to share a saying that Steve Harvey said on his show. “You can’t drive a car by looking in the rearview mirror.” Hope this helps. One other thought, had to share this poem. It helped me through my ordeal (not to be compared to yours.) Stay strong my friend! http://mylordmyheart.net/?p=2705 – poem about the bear hugging a hot kettle. It helped me through some difficult times to remember to let go of the hot kettle.
I adore your writing, please don’t stop.
Hi Natasha,
I just want to say that I started out as a fan of The Kane Show, but stopped listening to the show a year ago, and have left as a fan only of YOU and Danni. I also live in the DC Metro area (closer to Annapolis though) and am sending good vibes your way. I am not going to say all of this is going to make you stronger, because you are already a strong, classy woman, and a great mother. Just keep taking it one day at a time, and feel your feelings, each one as they come by, and soon, I hope, the roller coaster will end for you, and you’ll find happiness once again. Hugs!
I’ve been following your blog for a while and stopped listening to the Kane Show after he aired your dirty laundry on the radio. So sorry to hear what has transpired in the news. I hope you and the girls are ok and that things get resolved quickly regarding your divorce. You’re going to get through this! Keep your head up! Big BIG hugs from a stranger!
Natasha,
I say give Peter a chance. Both of you just need space. He needs to spend more time with you but he loves your kids. Put all these nonsense women aside. I personally don’t know Peter but I only know Eric. My point is work together. People only divorce for these reasons: Sex and Money. That’s the truth. Don’t be that statistic. It’s all about your kids. Work it out. Let the grand parents watch your kids while you and Peter go out on a date like you first fell in love. Remember when you first dated. Reinvent that wheel. Forget all these negative people that are supporting you for divorce. Show Peter what I wrote to you.
You have been on my heart. Praying for you and your littles!
I just wanted to send love and encouragement. Around the same time of your separation, I too was asked for a divorce and have been involved in a legal battle that has been hurtful. I’ve grown closer to God during this time and really try to make sure my kids will be OK. Your sharing has really helped me know that 1. I’m not alone and 2. We can find ourselves and be better for our little ones by going through this. I can only imagine what you’re going through with some of it being played out to the public, but know that you’re not alone. We are good mothers, we love our kids, our family has changed, but it’s still family. Keep your head up and know that we say we’re ‘getting through it’ because there is the other side. We will not stay in ‘it’.
Just stopping in to say hello and let you know I have been thinking about you and praying for your family… … Remember you are strong and you will get through this…. I miss your blogs! Sending big ole virtual hugs xoxoxxox
Hi,
It seems strange for a total stranger to say that to you, I know…..I am that stranger. But, I think that you have dealt with everything with such grace. It seemed totally one sided since P (your name for him) went on the radio and broke down while telling his story to thousands of listeners, myself included. I wept for him and the heart break that he went through.
I won’t lie, I was on his side and felt that you were given everything and you left without a word and took the girls, all of his money, and left an empty house …..his world was gone with the love of his life. His story was not accurate after reading your blog.
I wanted to apologize for being swayed. I was told a couple days ago about how he was stalking you and that broke my heart. I glossed through the story and it was hard to believe. I felt duped. It mentioned your blog, I gave you the same chance to tell your side and you were very kind in the posts that are up currently. I can’t believe it……why cause any more pain for you. I will not listen to his show again or even that station.
I hope that life provides you with enjoyment, love, and a wonderful life. People say there are 3 sides to a story: his, hers and the truth. But I find that the truth doesn’t provide the emotional side of the events.
Take care of yourself and those two adorable girls,
Kari
Hi Kari! Sure bet you didn’t expect to get a response now…two years later! But my long lost friend, here I am, and I can’t tell you much it means to me to get this comment even now, after so much has happened. It means more than you can possibly know. (:
by St. Anthony of Padua
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, To have a deep soul relationship with another, To be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied, Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone, With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, That I have planned for you. You will never be united to another Until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry Don’t look around at things others have gotten Or that I have given them Don’t look around at the things you think you want, Just keep looking off and away up to Me, Or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love Far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment To have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me And the life I prepared for you, You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I AM God. Believe it and be satisfied”
Hello Natasha
I just want to know are done writing for good?? I ask because i miss reading how your day,week went and just to see how you are doing.
Hi Natasha, Your in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping the New Year brings you peace! Miss you mamma!