On Thursday we took the train into Connecticut, dropped Samster off with my mother-in-law, hopped back onto the train and spent our first baby-free weekend in the city. I was really worried about my first overnight away from Sam but it was surprisingly easy to do. Is that bad?! I mean, I missed her terribly as soon as we walked out the door BUT I forgot what it’s like to be able to walk around and not have to worry about being back in time for naps, or to order room service adult beverages and not worry about one of us keeping an ear out for the baby, or do I even have to explain the pure ecstasy that was sleeping in and then laying in bed AS LONG AS WE WANTED the next morning! We were like two lovestruck teenagers that snuck off with their parents’ credit cards and were dead set on staying out all night long & having the BEST NIGHT EVER. (Even though we were actually both asleep by 11p, what can you do? Even in NYC the sleep opportunity is just too tempting.)

I think it was really good for P and I to reconnect without Samster, when you have a baby it’s easy to get completely captivated with her schedule and who’s meeting which needs that you never REALLY listen to each other. We kind of rediscovered what we liked about each other. It was nice. I’m a lucky girl.

Unfortunately I got so wrapped up in my big weekend out that I made one dreadful mistake. I didn’t pick up a refill on my Zoloft before we left. I didn’t think it’d be too big a deal because I had enough to get me through yesterday and a half a pill to take this morning. (When I first started the meds it was by halfs and then a whole one) I figured we’d get into town today and stop by CVS on our way home & I’d take the other half with dinner, should work out right? Somehow I left out the small detail that our CVS pharmacy to which my Dr. called in my refill yesterday was not open on Sundays. Ugh.

I’d say around 3p today I started feeling funky. I’ve been nauseous a lot lately, headaches & pretty tired all day but this afternoon all of those were exaggerated times 10. No joke, I haven’t been able to eat more than saltines without feeling like my insides are going to come out and I’m so exhausted it’s literally an effort to type on the keyboard. Seriously. P even was sweet enough to offer to feed and put down Samster so I could have some time in my craft room to destress (so sweet, right?) but I couldn’t do it. I walked in, was too tired to even look through fabric, and went and lay down in our bed and watched All My Children. That’s when I started to connect some dots…hmmm, fatigue, nausea, headaches…ACK! THAT WAS MY 1ST TRIMESTER WITH SAMS! ACK! ACK! P tried to talk me off of my “oh *$#@ I’m not ready to have another baby my life is over” ledge and reminded me that a.) I’m on birth control and b.) it would require us having sex more than once in a “she’s taking a long nap and I actually have energy” blue moon to make a fetus. Despite his completely logical argument I was sure of it and whipped out the spare First Response from under the sink. By the way, does anyone else keep pregnancy tests under their sink when they’re NOT trying to have a baby because they often are neurotic enough to swear they’re preggers if they’re one day late or the slightest bit queasy? No? Ok, good to know.

Anyway, I squeezed out the last bit of pee and waited for my sentencing…

Negative.

Of course.

Whew.

So why did I feel SO bad?? That’s when I corrected some other dots…could I actually be having withdrawal symptoms this quickly from the Zoloft??? A quick google search said YES, Zoloft and other SSRI anti-depressants have some brutal side effects that can start as soon as you decrease your dose. This article actually described my symptoms TO A TEE! And as to why I’ve been having milder symptoms for a week or so? Apparently stopping Effexor (the first med I tried) can have withdrawal symptoms for up to 8 WEEKS!!! Man! So what’s a girl to do? The medicine pretty much saved my life from PPD but that’s pretty darn scary stuff! Not to mention I wasn’t planning on taking it long-term, so what? I’m going to have awful withdrawal symptoms to look forward to when I decide to stop?

Some articles even say that the longer you take the drug the worse the withdrawal will be! I’m so torn, I TOTALLY believe it was the right thing to do to get on anti-depressants. PPD is nothing to play around with and it seemed the longer I waited to do something the worse it got BUT on the other hand the older I get the more I’m of the mindset that I want to do things more naturally…to have withdrawal symptoms already that are so debilitating is very scary as to how this is affecting my body. Does anyone else struggle with this? What’s someone supposed to do?!