Before you tell me it’s sad that I need a reminder that I love my husband let me tell you something. Bite me.
Seriously, bite my bootie right now.
Sometimes we forget how much we truly love those closest to us & I see nothing wrong with wearing a little trinket to bring it back to the forefront of my mind. This way when I’m bending over to pick up his shoes from the middle of the livingroom floor AGAIN I’ll get a little glimpse of these adorable charms & remember that those small stupid things don’t matter. What matters is I have a great husband who’s as dedicated as I am to getting through the crappy times.
I’m sure you’ve seen necklaces like these all over the place (mine is from South Moon Under, in the store they have various letters but the online generic one is cute too) but people usually get their kid’s initials. Why not your husband’s? It’s very high school wear your sweetie’s pin on your letter jacket. If I went to high school in the 1950’s. But you get my point.
We’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching around here since my transparent people post.
We’ve decided to try something new…
We are both going to try and put everything through the filter of thinking of the other person. When I want to get mad at him for being late I’ll try to think about what I would want if I were late. I’d want a patient & understanding spouse. That doesn’t mean I can’t say I’m annoyed but it does put a new spin on things. It’s funny, when I first got married my Aunt (who’s marriage I’ve always greatly admired) told me that what works for her and my Uncle is that they both always try to think of the other. If you’re each trying to keep the other’s best interest in mind then everyone’s taken care. Makes sense.
Of course it’s easier said then done. Hence why I’m just now truly ‘getting’ what my Aunt said even though I’ve been married for 5 years…
The fear is being vulnerable. If you truly act out of selflessness and are putting your mate’s feelings before your own then you’re no longer protecting your own. There is a chance you could be left out on that branch alone. Which would suck. However, if you always hold back a little by watching out for yourself then you aren’t truly, 100%, dedicating yourself to the other. It’s a leap of faith. I certainly don’t know how well this will work or how realistic it is but I’m totally willing to take that chance. What other choice do we have? Who knows, maybe with time it will just become second nature and perhaps that’s how you become that cute old couple on the side of the Smucker’s jar who’s been married for 70 years.
I love your honesty, and reminder that we do need to stop and remind ourselves how we would want our spouse to react in the same situation. I love the charm. So simple, but yet so special and full of meaning!
“The fear is being vulnerable. If you truly act out of selflessness and are putting your mate’s feelings before your own then you’re no longer protecting your own.” Well said, Natasha. Well said.
Our church had a sermon series on right relationship and that comment was really in line with it. You can listen to them online. I can send you the link, if you’d like. (Forgive me if my offer is offensive or over the line. I just think it’s great, but I am not trying to be preachy or anything.)
Not over the line at all Angela! Please post the link (:
I love this idea! My boyfriend lives in San Francisco (I’m in Va Beach) and I have a locket with a picture of us in it that I wear quite often. I found a great girl on etsy who customized it with a street map of SF with a heart over his address. Cheeseball, I know… but no one really knows what it is unless they ask since it just looks like a cute map pendant. It’s just a sweet reminder of someone being there for you, even when they aren’t physically with you at the moment!
Everyone is so busy lately, it is easy to get caught up and take people and the little things for granted. Thanks for sharing this! Love your blog! xoxo
Not cheeseball, that’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever heard! I’d love to see a picture!
I sent you a facebook message with a couple pics! 😀
Agreed! If you can’t be vulnerable in front of your spouse who else is there?
So true. Soooo true.
I followed all the comments from your transparent people post. I think the negative commenters (especially the one towards the end, yeesh) don’t seem to get that there’s a difference between saying, “Hey, I’m struggling and I know I can’t be the only one – let’s realize we’re not totally broken and dysfunctional and beyond all hope; we can work on this and hold each other accountable,” and just saying “This sucks and it isn’t what I thought it would be.” For the record, I felt like your post was the former, not the latter. 🙂
All that said, I would love to add that praying together is like an instant binder for my husband and me. (Provided no one uses their aloud prayer time as a space to passive-aggressively rant to Jesus about their spouse, of course.) There have been studies about couples who merely attend church together, and how the divorce rate is no different than the national average, but barely a fraction of a percent of couples who pray together on a regular basis will pursue divorce. I feel like praying with my husband (at his leading) makes us feel closer than anything else that usually falls into the category of intimacy. And, if I may be quite frank, all the other things in the intimacy category, well, they rank pretty high in our house. That’s the other big binder for us: I keep my man WELL fed and satisfied in that regard. 😉 Makes me pretty dang happy too, plus when I know he’s getting nutritious meals every night (or thereabouts) I don’t worry about his eyes wandering around to the junk food he might see when he’s away, if you get my drift.
And, I love what you said about envisioning yourselves in the other person’s situation, and it made me think of this post by Ann Voskamp that I loved. It’s about forgiveness, but I apply it proactively (and universally, for all relationships), and it’s like a vaccine against bitterness, anger, and selfishness. In the beginning of our marriage, I used to spend a lot of time irritated with my husband, feeling like he never understood or even thought about how I felt about things. It’s no magic wand, but it’s really transformed the way I view other people’s action and words now. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/figuring-out-how-to-forgive-your-parents/
And finally, I wanted to share another necklace that I love that might be a sweet reminder/gift for couples. The artist is actually a lifelong friend of mine, but it’s the greatest idea ever. It’s a little pricier, but the sentiment is so unique and heartfelt: http://www.etsy.com/listing/57636471/sterling-silver-block-letter-initial
That’s very true…I love the food analogy btw. (:
And I’ve been giving the praying together thing a lot of thought lately…it’s such an intimate thing but if you’re going to be that personal in front of anyone…
I have also been giving the praying together thing a lot of consideration, but it absolutely terrifies me. I love the idea of it… but one of our biggest struggles is the fact that my husband is very on the fence regarding religion and, in recent years, has been teetering more off the fence (has read “The God Delusion” and other books like that). My prayer life is so deeply personal and intimate – putting that out there for anyone is scary enough, but then for someone who I think is secretly thinking that God is just a nice thing that we made up, kind of like Santa Claus? It terrifies me. But, I also realize that the one big connection that is missing with my hubby is the spiritual connection… we’re great friends, great partners, but that connection is lacking.
I love that you guys are trying something new! And I know it is really tough to remember the positive things about a person when you are mad or really upset. But it is also great to rekindle that romance and remember those feelings of why you adore that special person! Good luck to you and P! I know you will make it! (I mean just look at those 2 beautiful girls you have!)
You know this is a great way of handling it! Many people are often too concerned with their own feelings to try to fix things together. As someone said before, we live in a society of me, me, me, selfishness, we forget to consider others as well. Especially our loved ones who share our lives with us. A more concrete example is when I take great care of my hubs when he’s sick, he wonders why i dote on him so much :] And I tell him “well because I love you..and if you don’t get better, who else is going to live our life with me?”. Same concept, I think, you take care of each other because it’s YOUR life together :]. And It’s OK to feel vulnerable while being selfless. Because at the same time, someone out there is doing the same for you. You cover his back and he’s got yours :] Best of luck!
Oh also, the necklace reminded me of a grown up version of this:
http://www.the36thavenue.com/2012/04/kids-craft-dry-clay-pendant.html
This is a great idea! I had my eye on Three Sisters Jewelry Design (http://www.threesistersjewelrydesign.com) a while back and you just reminded me of that! They’ve got all sorts of charms, initials, and monogrammed necklaces. I am going to order my sister one for her birthday! Thanks for the idea! 🙂
I totally agree that putting the other person before yourself is what makes for a successful marriage… but only if BOTH people are actually doing it. I feel like my husband and I make the deal a lot, and I always feel like I am the only one who is actually doing it. Which inevitably leaves me more frustrated than I was before we ever made the deal. And I know its so lame to quote Dr Phil but its relevant so I am gonna anyways! I’ve heard him say several times that every day he wakes up with the mindset of “what can I do today to make her life easier?” [referring to his wife of course.] I think that’s a great way to think and if we are both doing it then both of our lives would be much easier and we would appreciate each other more. Of course like you said, its much easier said then done.
I felt the exact same way, like I’m the only one sticking to it but that’s what I’m trying to break in my mindset…I’m trying to not do it because I want it done in return but do it because I love him and he deserves it. Period. Isn’t that unconditional love anyway? Doing it just because you love someone? Not because you want them to do it for you? Those are still selfish motivations which will eventually fail. At least for me.
Of course I’m feeling lovey this week so it’s easy to say…ask me again next week. (;
Good point. AND maybe, just maybe, if you stick with it long enough he will eventually start doing the same in return. Then everyone feels understood. They say what you put out there is what you get back. Right? Its worth a shot. I will try not to kill my husband before I have a chance to give this a try myself. 🙂
Okay, I’m totally doing this because that necklace is just too darn cute and I already have TWO with my kids initials. And? You know exactly where I am, same boat, and I’ll take any suggestions I can get and, I love a good excuse to buy a cute piece of bling. 😉
It makes perfect sense… My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and we have two little girls also. We have been having all of the same feeling you have been writing about. What we noticed though is that when we are happiest and having the most fun,its when we think of the other first before we get pissy or react about anything. Then after awhile of that becoming a habit, we just get better at it and he will do some random act of sweetness that reminds me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.,and I will find myself wanting to make him smile somehow too, and its a circle of niceness all over again. Honestly, I know thats the key, but its still really really hard to do,so dont beat yourself up about it. Of course we go through MANY bouts of arguing all the time about the dumbest things but then we have resentment towards eachother because of it. We just need to remember that “key”. Selfishness and focusing on our own wants doesnt get us anywhere except depressed ,because we will never really be happy when we expect too much. I always tell myself that “When 2 adults are in such close quarters all the time,with so much going on(kids,work,cooking ,cleaning) theres no such thing as absolute perfection—– and thats ok.” Great post Natasha 🙂
Circle of Niceness…I like that.
This is another amazing post about relationships. I just got married a year ago, but I completely agree. My husband has the worst habit of just leaving things laying literally all over our apartment. From time to time I get super annoyed with him & think, “What am I, his maid?” But after about 10 minutes I realize how blessed I am to have a supportive husband who doesn’t always get appreciated for the little things he does for me. I know everyone says it’s a “curse” to get a loved one’s name tattooed on you, but I plan on getting his first initial, “j” on my ring finger. 🙂 Just a little reminder on my hand as I’m picking up his dirty socks. 😉
I’ve actually always loved ring finger tattoos…I wouldn’t mind one I could sneak under my wedding band, like my own personal reminder of how permanent the commitment is…
i’ve had my eye on this necklace for awhile…south moon under is my fave boutique ever! i even worked there part time, just to use the discount 😉
a peek of chic
Natasha,
I think this is an adorable way to remind yourself that your husband is very important to you through good times and bad :). It is really difficult to see someone else’s prospective on things, especially when they are so close to you. It is easy to fall into the habit of being annoyed with the person no matter what they do. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now (we are high school sweethearts). There was a point in time where no matter what he did/said I snapped at him and would put him down. After awhile, he obviously got upset with this. I realized that the times I was snapping at him, I wasn’t really even annoyed or angry, I just was doing it out of habit. I worked very hard for a good while to see his prospective on how I was treating him and realized that I was treating him like he was two years old and that he was the biggest nuisance on the planet. How unfair! I totally agree with you that the golden rule we learned when we were young doesn’t just apply to people we don’t like, but also that people we do. “Treat others as you would want to be treated.” It may not solve all problems, but taking the time to think about how you are making your partner feel will make a world of difference!
Exactly!
Hey Natasha, I truly feel you on your necklaces, there is nothing wrong on having a little reminder 🙂
I read this book that has really helped me, you should give it a try…don’t let the title scare you, the book is a good read whether you are in a relationship or not.
http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923170
it totally helped me in me personally and my marriage.
That title is hysterical, I’m going to look at it now…
thanks!
What a great post! I recently got ‘love’ tattooed on my left hand so that I am reminded every day of the love I have for myself, my family and my friends. Where would we be without it?
I love that you are trying to learn a new perspective to look at things. I, too, recently learned to remind myself to respond to things from a ‘happy and loving’ place rather than a ‘fearful and hating’ place. It not only makes me stop and think before reacting to any situation, but it reminds me that my response should come from a good place. It doesn’t mean you have to hold in what you REALLY wanna say or think, it just means make sure that it’s coming from a place of goodness and not anger. It has taught me evaluate everything before I say and it’s definitely strengthened my relationships!
I love that! I really want either ‘faith’ or ‘trust’ tattooed on the inside of my wrist, I think P would kill me though!
I like the necklace though I wish there were something guys could wear with a similar meaning…or that guys would even WANT to wear something with that kind of meaning. I suppose wedding rings are the ultimate jewelry reminder accessory and both sexes have those. But, if a woman is also getting a necklace and trying to do everything to put her man at the forefront of her thoughts and actions it would be nice if he could want to do the same in some capacity. Maybe jewelry isn’t a big guy thing but still, can you imagine a guy running out to a shop to get his wife’s initial on a key chain, a planner, a bookmark, a wallet, a cuff link, ANYTHING? Nope, not really. I’d love to hear of some stories where they do though.
Side note: Yes there are always tattoos but I’m not into that, sorry.
I’m sure a million and one people are giving you advice and thanking you, because it is a deep dark secret that all marriages struggle. Like somehow we are less of a wife because we sometimes question our marriage or go through a hard time. I love that you are able to shed some light on the subject and own the fact that you are working on your marriage. AND that other women (me included) don’t have to feel so alone and “unworthy” as a wife when we struggle.
I don’t know how religious you are, but religion aside, you should read “The Love Dare” it seriously saves my marriage every year. I read it/do it every year. This is only my second time actually, but I am making it a goal to do it every year. Even if you take the religion out of the book, it is an amazing and wonderful book about marriage. SERIOUSLY. The first time I read it, it was really hard, and even now the second time, there are moments/days that make it hard, but I think that’s what makes it so great.
Since I’ve read it, I recommend it to everyone I know that’s married. I also give it as a wedding present because I believe it’s that important for married couples to read.
Good luck, and I pray for you and every marriage!
Also, I LOVE the idea of wearing your husbands name too! We focus so much on putting our kids names, or birth stones everywhere and we forget that without our partner, we wouldn’t even have those kids! Not to mention that we don’t need to “remember” to love our kids, we put their names everywhere because we DO love them. So you wear that “Letterman jacket” with pride!
Thank you! I’m definitely going to check out that book, sounds like a good one…
I just love the advice your Aunt told you. I’m in a limbo stage right now of dating someone for 10 years (high school sweethearts!), getting engaged, and then blindsided by an “un-engagement” (how unfair that was, by the way). Although I went through the- “I deserve so much better than what you did to me” stage, I just can’t imagine my life without him. Life took over and we became so busy in our own lives, that we forgot to have a life together and he decided that he was tired of it. After all is said and done, however, I’d rather go through hard times with him, than anything with anyone else.
A huge problem was just exactly what you said- not to focus on his dirty socks in the corner (when the hamper is RIGHT NEXT TO THEM!) but to remind myself that we are both busy people and possibly if the hamper was 5 inches to the right, he would make the basket! And the same respect, since it takes me 10x longer to get ready in the morning, he could just make the bed- or feed our dog (also named Lucy!) instead of expecting me to do it- and at the end of the day when we come home, I wont be so cranky because the house is a mess and I’m expected to do it all!
I couldn’t live with myself if I just threw away all these years together, so it was so important to me that we work things out and get the help we needed. The advice your Aunt gave you, was exactly what I suggested we do with each other- start thinking of the other and putting yourself in each others shoes. Although you hear it a million times, communication really is the number one key to a healthy happy relationship. There is so much more to life than the socks on the floor and the messy bedroom and that’s why I just love the necklace idea as a daily reminder.
I was so blinded by busy life, that I didn’t even realize what was happening to us. I wish I read this post back in April, as all of this happend the first week of May. I’m so happy to hear that I’m not the only one dealing with this, because I just had feelings that I was failing and it was all my fault. I do know it’s a two way street, but it’s hard not to think- why didn’t I do things differently?
Did you find that it has become second nature to think of your husband before jumping the gun and getting annoyed? I want to change to be that person, and we both have been working hard to do this, but I’m just scared that we will do this for now, but things will go back to the way they were.
You’re so relatable, Natasha, I feel like we’re friends! Thanks for listening and being so open and candid with us. It’s such a breath of fresh air.
I loved this post. What a great reminder to think outside yourself. My pastor Ed ( who is pretty wise!) said when he and his wife first got married he was surprised when his objective in all fights, which was to win, didn’t make him feel better. He learned that he needed to argue the fight from her perspective. And that…changed everything. I think it’s those little moments when you stop to look into each others eyes, pick something up for the 1000th time and don’t let it bother you that make the difference in a relationship. Thanks for writing. I look forward to reading more! <3 Lori
That is SO TRUE! I’m going to remember that, it majorly take swallowing some pride but in the end it’s so worth it. “argue the fight from the other’s perspective” Very good.