This sucks.
I feel like dog crap & have been wallowing a bit which really isn’t helping things. It makes me depressed to think about how much I’ve been missing out on my blog the last few weeks. I realize that may sound shallow to some people but you have to understand LPM is my outlet, it makes me feel good about myself & proud. It’s my own little “job” that I created from nothing & after 3 years it was finally starting to turn into something a little more. Keeping up a website however with 2 small children requires a pretty strict schedule. A lot of organization & dedication to fit everything in & keep it all running. I was in that groove though. And I liked it. But when you’re functioning at a maxed out pace throw in a curveball like getting sick & it all goes down in a handbasket pretty darn quick.
The fatigue is terrible, I’ve never been tired like this before. It’s the kind of tired where lifting your arms takes some psyching yourself up. I’ve been able to nap every day & still go to bed at 9.
This past Thursday I was also really struggling with the mental cloud I’d been in. I was calling people the wrong names, forgetting how to back my car up in the Whole Foods parking lot, not processing the thought to stop when the light turns red until a few seconds after it happens & inevitably running through it. It was scaring me. I went to see my primary care Dr who orginally diagnosed me with Lyme & before I was even 2 seconds into my explanation of my mental disconnect he interuppted me & explained that the bloodwork shows my Lyme is not that bad, I’ve probably only had it for a few weeks & there’s no way it could be causing neurological symptoms yet. This is a case of anxiety & I need to calm down. At this point I started to sob in his office which didn’t help my case of not just being a basketcase at all. I just knew that it was more than that & was at the end of my rope. And scared. To be written off with “anxiety” when I knew something else was wrong was heartbreaking. I called P crying after the appointment & he said, “Natasha, you go to three different stores when you want to be buy a stroller. Why would you just take one Dr’s opinion when it comes to your health?” Wow. He was so right. So I made another appointment with a different Dr. I’d never seen. I gave her the same bloodwork with the same symptom description (minus the tears) & guess what, a completely different diagnosis. She consulted with the other Dr’s in her practice & they agreed to send me to the ER for IV antibiotics & more testing.
(watching Sex & the City DVDs on my 3 yr old’s princess DVD player. Don’t judge.)
I ended up with a spinal tap (they’re lying if they tell you it’s just like an epidural & you won’t feel a thing), lots of bloodwork, a new course of antibiotics & an appointment with an infectious disease specialist who I saw today. He said from the results of all the testing he believes I’ve had Lyme since around July & would do well with extended antibiotics & some additional bloodwork this Friday since a few things were off in my lab results. He was very sweet & assured me I’d be just fine, I just needed to mentally get myself back in the game & believe that a few more weeks of medicine & I WILL FEEL BETTER.
His advice really got me thinking that I need to snap out of my funk & really try some positive thinking. Then I caught up on Ashley’s blog & really got a reality check. That poor girl is actually really sick & yet she’s so stinking positive. I should be grateful that things aren’t worse. This is a little blip, I’ll be stronger in the long run & everything does happen for a reason so I need to just keep on trucking one day at a time.
Now I just need to remind myself of that in 10 minutes when I get bummed out that I’m too tired to get out of bed.
My Dad is here for the next two days to help take care of the girls & the house & P & I are going to talk tonight about what to do after that. I definitely need some help. Maybe a trip to Florida to stay with family…I don’t know. I just need to rest & have some faith that it will be ok. That’s why I named this post “I’m feeling good”, when people ask me how I’m feeling I’m going to try & say “I’m feeling good”, maybe if I say it enough I’ll actually feel it.
Thank you all for your sweet thoughts & well wishes. Even though I haven’t responded I read every one of your comments & emails & love all the links to your friend’s blogs who also have Lyme, they’ve been so encouraging!
FAITH. FAITH. FAITH. That’s what I’m going to focus one. Er, & spelling “on”. Faith & spelling.
Keep your head up, Nat! What you’re going through now is probably the worst of it. Obviously, I’m no doctor, but you’re coping with this news physically and mentally. Your doctors and your own positive attitude will win in the end. Sending lots of love your way!
I am so sorry that you are still feeling so crappy. I am glad to hear that you got a second opinion and a better diagnosis! It’s amazing that we trust our Dr.’s word so much, and forget that it’s okay to seek other advice. Don’t feel like you have to be SuperMom, it’s okay that you are tired, because your body is healing. I also just caught up on Ashley’s blog. It’s so horrible, and sad, and her attitude is amazing. I just wanted to say that just because her case is more devestating, doesn’t diminish your problems. My dad was diagnosed with cancer this summer, and while it is the worst thing in my world, that doesn’t mean that friends aren’t also going through hard times. People were holding back, and not complaining about little things in life because my problems were bigger…but everyone deals with bad things, and it’s normal to feel sad, or upset. The thing I noticed about Ashley’s blog is that she is handing her problems over to God. It seems that she has a strong faith, and I am glad you are also focusing on faith. It can get you out of anything. I guess my message is to cheer up, but also allow yourself to be a little down in the dumps. It’s okay, and we will all still be here for you when you are better, and back to crafting!
I went through a some what similar illiness when I was in my late 20s. Normally perfectly healthy, I caught the flu (the real deal, not a stomach virus) and 3 weeks later, was still in bed. I was exhausted, incredibly pale and felt terrible. I was sleeping for 12 hours a stretch and still felt tired. I underwent lots of testing, also saw an infectious disease specialist. Ended up having a biopsy on my lymphnodes. They were ok. Long story short, 4 months later, everything turned out ok. In the end, they thought I probably just had a weird virus. I was a single girl at the time and ended up going to stay with my mom for part of the time. I believe it was a huge part of my recovery, to just be able to rest. Hope that you can find a way to be able to do this too! Hope you get better soon!
You poor thing! You will get better, I know it’s so hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel because you’ve been feeling so poorly for so long. Hang in there. We’re all here for you and wishing you a speedy recovery! Sending BIG hugs!
So glad you got a 2nd opinion. I saw an infectious disease dr too that diagnosed me and put me on IV antibiotics daily for 21 days. After that, you should definitely start to feel a lot better and get some energy back.
Thank you for the update!!!
I read your blog pretty frequently (the first time I am commenting) and I have to tell you that you are amazing! I know this has to be hard on you so rest and know we are all pulling for you!
Thank you (:
aww 🙁 i’m sorry that you still feel so bad but at least you got a 2nd opinion! i had to get a 2nd opinion on an auto-immune disease a couple months ago too..so don’t ever be afraid to hear what other doctors think! 🙂 i hope you get some R&R soon and you have a speedy recovery..we can’t wait to have you back on here! <3
Rest up and feel better! Your husband was very wise, probably why he’s your husband 🙂
You are an amazing woman! You are a stay at home mom and that will always be the hardest job in my book. I am a full time working mom of a 16 month old and I couldn’t do what you do! Coming to work is the easiest part of my day! Rest up, relax and that faith will keep you going! You are lucky to have such a wonderful family by your side and I hope you start to feel better soon!
So glad your hubby suggested a second opinion. Take the time and rest you need no wbecause if you dont get back to 100% you will crash again. health is always more important. Sending prayers your way for a great recovery
Your hubby is so smart:) I am glad you went for a second opinion. Being a mom is hard enough, but being a sick mom is the worst! I hope you start feeling better and if you take a trip to FL I think we should get a lot of the ADPi’s together so we can all take care of you and the girls. Feel better girly!
Awww, wouldn’t that be awesome?!
I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all of this. Getting a different doctors opinion is always a good idea- if nothing else you have confirmation of what’s going on. Have you considered being tested for clinical depression? A number of the symptoms you’re describing can also be caused or made worse by depression.
I hope you’re feeling better soon.
Have you seen the movie, The Replacements, with that short ‘dude’, Reeves (Love that movie, and I even went to watch the filming in Balt)? Theres a scene when all the guys are i nthe locker room, talking about FEAR. And Reeves charactor talks about quicksand.
Dont’ give in to the quicksand.
You CAN’T give in the quicksand – you have your years ahead of you, your girls (Lucky 7 is a great movie, but no one wants to be IN the movie) need you and, P – well P I am sure would like you to stay above the quicksand.
Nothing beats an illness like a positive outlook.
Besides, I don’t imagine you as someone to wallow in self doubt.
I love a good locker room inspiration speech, thanks (:
This comment isn’t meant to add any stress to your blogging hiatus, but .. I wonder if your blogging schedule and success through blogging wasn’t one of the things that kept you sane, kept you going. A constant, visual, amazing reminder to yourself and everyone around you of how well you cope with not only the struggles of parenting real children, but doing it while you had an unknown disease underlying.
I’m completely all for rest and relaxation when it’s being effective at helping this issue at hand, but if it’s not. … it’s the whole “fake it till you make it” thing.
Don’t quote me on this, I’m a total hypocrite. I can’t keep up momentum even at my very best, you’re my idol! .. and yet.. when I do manage to chronicle anything, including my struggle, I’m left with a greater feeling of satisfaction… and an innate energy that goes along with that.
Best of luck in your continued healing and wellness!
Oh, honey. We’ll wait. We’ll be here when you get better. I’ve been reading your blog so long, I can’t ever take it out of the rotation. I wouldn’t want to. What you have done to make your blog so great will continue to be great when you can make it happen.
I’m so glad you got a second opinion, and you are getting the medical care you needed. You can do this. Yes you can. 🙂 I wish I was closer, I’d bring you a casserole. Sending you light and love, Marta
Omgosh you’re so sweet Marta. I’m enjoying the virtual casserole right now…
(:
Being sick when you have little babies to take care of is SO hard. I had really bad mastitis after my second was born. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life [which is ironic since I’d just squeezed a person out of my body the week before.] and I even remember crying a few times when my toddler just needed me to do some basic thing for her. Just the thought of getting up was exhausting, not to mention excruciating. What you’re going through sounds awful, and I bet its especially hard for someone who is usually so together and on top of things. But I think you are right, attitude plays a huge part in how we feel emotionally and physically. They say people with negative attitudes get sicker more often and stay sick for longer than positive thinkers. Hopefully your happy thoughts will get you better soon!
Mastitis SUCKS. Been there, done that. Awful!
Thanks for understanding, it’s nice to know you guys “get it”
I’m really glad you sought out a second opinion. If you hadn’t and described these extra symptoms, I would have asked you to myself! Whenever a doctor is quick to dismiss symptoms as a mental illness, I get horribly frustrated. Positive thoughts really and truly can go a long way to quicker recovery (I promise, there is even legit research on it). Sending you thoughts of positive vibes and I hope you are able to work out a good situation to get you some extra help and rest.
Totally love the pic of you watching Sex and The City on a princess DVD player!!!! =D
If you can’t make it…fake it!! and you WILL believe it…eventually. Sending lots of energetic and healthy thoughts your way all the way from Australia……. can you feel them yet….I’ll just concentrate a bit harder!!!!!=)
i just wanted you to know my family is praying for you.. we hope you feel better.. thank you for sharing your struggles.. I love you blog!!! ((hugs)) to feeling better!!
Natasha, I am SO glad you got a second opinion. I really really hate when doctors say things like that. I mean they didn’t even LISTEN to you. But I guess it happened for a reason, you needed to find out how serious it really was. I hope you start to feel better soon and we are all rallying behind you and can’t wait for your return. Don’t worry we will be here and we will keep checking in! In the meantime, get lots of rest and let your family help take care of you and your girls!
Natasha, I am so sorry to hear this! I am praying for you and hope that you will make a swift recovery – you are strong and I hope your week in FL will help. Thinking of you!