Notice the timestamp on this blog. It’s currently 4:39AM and I’m up. OHHH, am I up! Again.
I’m not quite sure what else to do at this hour, I can’t use my sewing machine or wash clothes because I’m afraid it will wake Samster and THAT WOULD BE BAD. So I made a cup of coffee (what? I get to drink it while it’s hot?? Bonus to 4a!) and am sitting down to watch yesterday’s All My Children. Bah. The President is speaking. I mean, yes, yes, I know what he has to say is far more important than finding out if Amanda’s baby has secretly been given to Liza to raise in the house next door as her own but at this hour I need brainless entertainment, not economic stimulus.
So I’m turning to my trusty blog…
Which of course comes to why am I up at this hour anyway?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back and forth about blogging about this, it’s very personal but at the same time I really want to share what’s ACTUALLY going on in my life because I know a lot of other moms read this. I also know how much I’ve depended on (and still do) books and blogs by other women who were brave enough to tell the world about this problem, so here it goes, about a week and a half ago I started taking anti-depressants.
I started getting a little depressed back in January, but I thought it was just a combination of wintertime, ‘baby blues’ and I had also stopped breast-feeding which I’ve heard that hormone drop can make you moody. But springtime eventually came, Sam got older and the sadness didn’t leave. There would be enough good days that I thought maybe it’s just that Sam’s not sleeping through the night and I’m just tired, or maybe we just need more friends or a hobby but then about a month ago it got really bad.
We had just come back from a trip to Tampa that ended with me getting in a huge fight with my mom. Normally that wouldn’t have been a big deal but this time it hit me hard, unusually so. I couldn’t shake it off. The guilt I felt was so great that it followed me everywhere, no matter what fun thing we did I just felt disconnected from reality, just going through the daily motions with a big fat raincloud over my head. After about a month of being in this superfunk P and I got in a huge fight (more so me, he was an innocent bystander who I’m sure was wondering who the heck was this crazy lady in front of him and where can he return her for his old wife) about cupcakes and I went soooooo off the deep end, we’re talking hysterical here. Over cupcakes. That’s when I decided to see someone.
The guy I’m seeing is very nice, therapy is no fun by any means but it’s helping me sort through my issues while waiting for the drugs to work. Also I don’t want to be on medication forever, I’m hoping that with therapy to understand my feelings and anti-depressants to get me through the postpartum depression I can get to the place I used to be. I take that back, I don’t want to get back to where I used to be, I want to get to a new better me.
Now with all that off my chest (whew!) I’m up because the drug I started taking (Effexor XR) is an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug that is supposed to be good at getting you up and going! It’s supposed to give you clarity to multitask and focus. Unfortunately for me it’s doing that in the middle of the night. My psychiatrist (wow, that sounds really strange to say ‘my psychiatrist’) said insomnia could be one of the side affects. Boy is it ever. Yesterday he gave me a lighter dose of Ambien so I could fall asleep but it would wear off by the time P left for work in the early morning. Well it did exactly what it was supposed to. I was asleep by 9p and promptly awake at 3a. Exactly 6 hours later. At least it’s predictable. He said if this happens my only other option is to switch drugs, perhaps to Zoloft. You know, the one with the commercial that has the sad little bubble guy who doesn’t like doing the things he used to? We’re leaving for vacation this week so I really don’t want to try a new drug on vacation, the side affects of starting this one were a bee-otch at first. I don’t know what to do, it’s very frustrating. If I can just get through a couple more days of 9p-3a then I’ll be good until we get back. (Since P won’t be getting up so early, I won’t have to be on overnight listening for baby duty and therefore can take Ambien at a normal hour)
If you’ve been through any of this I’d LOVE if you’d leave a comment so I don’t feel like a weirdo for sharing it all.
Ok, Obama’s done and there’s still 20min of AMC left, might as well enjoy the baby-free time while I have it right?
Thanks for listening.
Oh sweetie,
you are so not alone!
I have been taking anti-depressants for over a year now for Post partum depression. They make a world of difference! Did you know that 1 in 6 women suffer from some form of PPD? But for some reason, people are embarassed to talk aboutit. Good for you for recognizing that something was wrong and for taking the necessary steps to get better. Well done!
Hey There! I've been reading your blog for a little while now. Sorry to lurk. I think I might have commented before…if not, I meant to (about some craft or about your take on letting baby "cry it out"…I totally agreed with ya on that by the way).
Anyhow, I've gone through various bouts of mini depression in the last 10 years or so (I'm 28 by the way). I've never taken a prescription though. I'm not a hippie or anything, I am just not into meds. Sounds hippie-ish, but we use herbal and homeopathic remedies. They don't have the side effects, and sometimes they help with multiple things. One of my best friends in high school, then another friend/roommate in college both had serious depression/anxiety, and then another roommate I had had depression and I think bi-polar. Whoa…all sorts of fun huh? At least they didn't all live together. They each took different medications, but I just remember when my first friend was preparing to get pregnant and during pregnancy, she couldn't take her meds, so that was a difficult transition for her. Anyhow, the herbs I know of are through Nature's Sunshine. They're called. Distress Remedy and Mood Elevator. My MIL and one of my SILs take it, and I would have never known if she didn't tell me.
I hope that gives you some alternatives and helps.
what a very personal thing to share. that was very brave of you. I hope you feel more like yourself soon. on another topic, about your soap you missed you could try watching it online. I am not sure what network it is on, but just look up the network and you can probably see it there. good luck, feel better.
I've only been reading your blog for a few days. It was very courageous for you to talk abut this and you absolutely are not alone.
I've had a few people who are close to me decide to take medication for depression. In both cases it took each of them some time to find the right medication and the right dose that worked for them.
At one point I had a little bout with anxious/insomnia and my doctor recommended drinking tea with equal amounts of lavender, chamomile and catnip (I know it sounds funny). I went to whole foods and got all three ingredients (you want to be sure all three ingredients are food grade… for humans). It worked like a charm. That might help you stay asleep after 3 but be awake enough for baby duty.
You should probably consult your doctor or psychiatrist to be sure you could take herbal medicines or teas with your prescriptions- I know some can conflict.
I hope you keep blogging about what you are going through- I bet it will be cathartic.
I have had depression for years. I always thought it was just something that I thought about like it was in my mind. But after I had my son things seemed to get a little worse. That is when I learned that I not only had PPD but that depression runs in my family.
I now take zoloft. Its one that doesn't have many side effects that you can take a night when you take your sleeping pill. There are many different ways to deal with depression, there is no right or wrong way…just what works for you.
I know that many people aren't very open about depression because doctors label it as a mental disease. But know one thing whether its just a moment in your life or something that you have for the rest of your life things always get better.
Hang in there! You're not alone. I was on Effexor for awhile. For me, the insomnia went away after a few weeks. Until it did, I took tylenol pm. I hope you get to enjoy your vacation and that everything works out for you.
Hey,
Sometimes its good just to get things off your chest. I hope that all goes well with insomnia and your sessions.
Hi hone,
You are in good company here…. all of us have are moments, and are breaking points…. I recently had mine and an now checking out cymbalta. I stay at home with my 13 month old little girl, and feel like all the responsibilites lie with me…. cleaning, dinner, all baby care, shopping, everything. It gets to be a lot, and with your amazing craftiness I can only imagine that you don't get a whole lot of time to yourself. Insomnia is a horrible thing, especially when before baby you could actually make it be productive, but now with sleeping hubs, sleeping baby, and 2 sleeping dogs, I tip toe around the house and hope no one hears me…. Keep us all posted on how things are going……. Your blog has been a bit of an inspiration to me, and I have so enjoyed reading it. Good luck…. this depression crap is nothing to mess with- best to just hit it head on.. and I'm so proud of you for doing just that!
I do not have a child. Nor do I have a husband. But I completely relate to the whole "feeling blue" aka depressed feelings. I commend you for taking the right steps to make yourself better – both for your husband and yourself. Too many people are in denial about their problems and allow it to get to a point where they are hurting everyone around them. This is a completely unselfish decision and I applaud you.
I also want to recommend a very good book that I've recently started to live by called "The Skinny Bitch" – I know what you're thinking. But the book is an amazing look at how the things we put in our bodies affects our well-being, mentally and physically. Hey, it makes sense! Check it out! – if not for a lifetime commitment to the things they preach – its also written in a no-nonsense prose (you get called quite a few names!)
Good luck with everything. I came to your blog originally because of your husband – I love 99.5! (thought I should add that in)
My son will be 2 next month and I still have depression. I haven't turned to meds (no ethical reason, just no insurance) but I've done a lot of research trying to treat it on my own. I have noticed one of the biggest stressors is when I'm too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on. I feel like I should have it all together, he's almost 2 for god's sakes, but I don't. And when I finally release it and tell someone, it's like a euphoria and everything seems manageable. So, keep up with the therapist and keep blogging/talking about it. You are definitely not alone, as you can tell. As for fighting with the hubby, mine's put up with a lot of shit, but he is one of the few who understands being a mommy is the hardest job there will ever be. As long as your husband gets that, you both will be able to come out the other side stronger, better partners.
You poor thing! You aren't alone!! I have struggled with depression/anxiety all of my life without really realizing it since I come from a family that doesn't believe in it and that you need to suck it up and deal with your emotions and not show them…ack!! Once I got married and realized that not everyone thinks that and I didn't have to feel this way all the time, I got some meds to help me feel more even. This was waaaay before kids. I can totally tell the difference if I miss even one dose. It is ok and nothing to feel embarrassed about (although I understand you not wanting to broadcast it! ha). Different meds get at the problem in different ways, so this one might not be perfect for you. I went through a couple before I found the right one. Hope things start evening out soon!! 🙂
PS I think I found your blog through one pretty thing. I have a couple of your projects bookmarked and on my list of things to do! Thanks for such great ideas…I love your little one! 🙂