Sound confusing? Well, truth be told, it kind of is. Often these ‘ah-ha’ moments I have are required to travel through a bunch of murk & fog in the puzzle of my mind before they actually make sense. Then however I get to that magical point where I go, “Oh, ok, wow, I totally get that.” And then I want to share it with you…so here’s my nugget for the week. (which makes me giggle because we use the word ‘nugget’ in our house when someone is backed up & poops little rocks. “Uh-oh, you have nugget poop, better eat your veggies!” TMI?)
Anyway, the other day one of my good friends & I were discussing possible playdates over texts, she asked if her daughter could come play with Soph & I said no because my sitter had taken Sam & Soph to swim lessons & then was going to the diner for dinner. She responded with something like, “Ok, nevermind. You are really lucky to have so much free time.” That statement was one of those that totally made my head pop back from the phone & as I re-read it a few times I could feel my face getting hot. So much free time? FREE TIME? What does she think, I’m eating bon-bons & painting my toenails over here?
Perhaps I should give you a little background first, and my close friends including the one above know this too. P & I decided that I would take the summer to try & use my blog to create a job for myself. You’ve probably noticed the Martha Stewart sponsored ads that have popped up at the top of the site & also a little further down on the right sidebar. I’ll be completely honest with you, those pay around $100 a week if I blog around 3-4 times. Have you seen the Houzz.com ideabook that’s been living on the right side of my page for the last year or so? I get paid to come up with those ideabooks & let them live on my page. (which by the way you should totally try making a Houzz Ideabook, it’s like grown up picture books, love them!) I also belong to an ad network called Blueprint Social that hooks me up with brands that are applicable to my site & they pay me to review their usually crafting items & post about it. Those go for anywhere from $50-$200 each depending on how much work is involved. I’m telling you all this because that roughly adds up to $600 a month off of my blog. That’s $7,200 a year. Hardly a salary for even the crappiest of part time jobs. Don’t get me wrong, it’s some awesome extra money BUT to create the type of posts I do, videos, tutorials, recipes with graphics, takes time, like 2-3 hours per post, & that requires a sitter my friend. I haven’t done the math but I’m pretty sure I’m not even breaking even with the profit verses sitter costs. That’s why i decided around a month ago that I wanted to take the next step & open a shop. A place where what you see on the blog (and some extras!) can be available for purchase. I love love love what I do. I just need to find a way to turn it into a real paying job to justify the time it requires. Know what I mean? And that’s exactly what my goal for the summer is.
So when my friend who knows all of that said to me, “You are really lucky to have so much free time” it really bothered me. It actually bothered me A LOT. My personality is that I get angry or hurt quickly but it rarely lingers, quick to anger & quick to let it go. This though, this one stuck with me, I found myself harping on it in my brain all throughout the last few days. I would think, “Why would she say that to me? Does she think I’m just playing around? Is she saying I’m just pawning my kids off with a sitter instead of taking care of them myself like she & all the other stay at home moms I know do?” And after a good while of having this very one-sided conversation in my head I realized something…that’s not what my friend thinks of me, that’s what I think of me. And there’s where the a-ha comes in, I really believe that often when someone says something that really bothers you it might just be because it’s a way you feel insecure about yourself.
I think it’s a great thing that I’m trying to create a part time job that I love. It makes me happy & fulfilled. I also visualize myself being done with work & spending time with the kids when they get home from school or if one is sick I can have the flexibility to nurture them all day without having to ‘call in’ to work. It would be a good set up. Not to mention when I take a few hours for me, to be away from my children & be doing something that I enjoy it truly makes me a better mother when I’m done & it’s time to spend with them. I snap at them less. I actually want to play ponies. I’m completely interested & engaged in what they have to say…& I believe it’s because I’ve already been fulfilled & that enables me to have something to give.
BUT…
The guilt of someone else being with my kids instead of me just eats me alive. Seriously, I feel a pang of guilt every time they leave the house with our sitter & not me. Let me say too, I ADORE our sitter, I would seriously adopt her as my little sister if she weren’t already 23 & in no need of new parents or siblings. The girls love her too, they get bummed on the days she doesn’t come. Yet the guilt persists. One of the last things I said is a perfect example of this, that the girls are bummed when our sitter doesn’t come over…you would think this would be a relief to me because it means that my children are having a great time but nope, the first thing I think of is, “Am I doing such a bad job when it’s my turn to take care of them that they want the babysitter instead?” Mommy Guilt…it’s a Bit@h.
This morning I talked to my friend about all of this because 1- I think it’s healthy to talk with someone who has hurt you instead of becoming resentful. 99% of the time they probably have no idea they did it. 2- I certainly didn’t want her to read this flood of emotions that all stemmed from her text over the internet! That would not be cool. In talking with each other she shared with me that she was probably a little envious when she made the comment because she doesn’t have that ‘free time’ a sitter provides. She’s also a blogger but has no time to keep it up. Do you know what keeps her from getting a sitter more? Mommy Guilt. The feeling that she should be the one with the kids.
In the end there has to be a balance & I think as mothers we are constantly chasing after that perfect balance of taking care of our children’s needs while not forgetting our own. It’s a viscous teeter totter that seems like it’s constantly needing adjustment but THAT’S OK. That’s mommyhood. So that’s about it, I can’t say my guilt is gone but at least now I’ve acknowledged that my anger about the text was not because of my friend, it was because of how I feel about me. And you know what, that’s something I can do something about.
I can totally relate. I have a friend who made a similar comment to me a while ago–but her comment was about me working full time and sending my kids to pre-school instead of teaching them myself until Kindergarten. I already felt guilty for leaving them, but I know that I’m doing what is best for my kids–and for me.
I absolutely loved this post.
One of the best things (out of many) that my Mom has taught me was about balance… To this day, I have a billion and one things to be guilty over…Working instead of being with my special needs son… Losing my temper and yelling instead of trying to stay calm and be patient when things are going wrong… Not doing the house chores that I should be doing instead of sitting around and watching television. It is so easy to just feel cruddy about it and stay in that “funk”.
My Mom has always told me that when things feel out of wack that you have to find a way to balance your time to fit who you are as a person. I know that I was at home all day with my child, I would be less patient. I know that if I spent all my time away from I would feel guilty and let it eat me up inside.
I also think that this balance has to exist in how we feel people see us and how we see people…ex. judging a mom who has yelled at her kid in public. We have no idea what that mom has had to go through or even what that situation is even like. I’d hope that people out there would take a step back and try to give the benefit of the doubt. To that, I hope everyone out there knows that there are people who know you’re doing your best, can empathize, and want to listen and be supportive.
<3
When you have a few minutes, I definitely recommend reading ‘Lean In’ by Sheryl Sandburg. I had so many aha moments as I read it. She really goes into some of the psychology of being a woman/mom who works. It’s a short read (almost half the pages in the book are bibliography).
I’m ordering it now so I’ll have it for vacation next week! Thanks!!
Well said!! I’m in the same boat over here. I stay home with my kids and work on my blog during the day when I can. I frequently have deadlines for sponsored posts that HAVE to be written and when that happensI try to work while the girls are at school, if it’s summertime, I make arrangements for my kids to play at a friend’s house for a few hours. When I decline an invite from another “working” mom like a teacher at school to come in and volunteer during the school day with the excuse of, “I’d love to, but I have to work that afternoon” they act like I’m sitting on the couch watching soaps all day. I’ve even had other moms say, “Oh, where are you working now?” Ummm…at home, on my computer, same as I have been for the past FIVE years — busting my butt to try to get this whole blog thing to work. Thanks for noticing.
I know I’m defensive, but it does hurt my feelings when it happens, and I have the same inner dialogue going on that you shared – we’re all just trying to do the best we can with what we have. I feel like a lot of it is this Northern VA, uber-competitive parenting syndrome mixed with some seriously competitive tiger moms and mean girls — or maybe it’s like this everywhere else in the country too!
Hang in there.
I love your mom’s advice and agree completely!
BTW, your blog and your girls are adorable!
xoxo,
Pink and Green Mama,
MaryLea
Aww, thanks so much Mary aka Pink and Green Mama!
By the way, nice work on your blog too! I’m loving it!!
I’m not a mom, so I obviously don’t have the mommy guilt , but I do understand where your coming from and how hard those feelings can be to deal with – however I do know one thing – in order to be the best mommy to your girls you have to first take care of yourself and if that means taking time to focus on your own projects/job then that’s what needs to be done . It can also show your girls that they can ‘have it all’ with the job and family and time to devote that family. So put all that mommy guilt in a box and shove it under the bed- ’cause ain’t nobody got time for that !’
LOL, you crack me up Nichole (:
I agree with Nichole, try not to feel guilty. Also, I know parents are somehow made to think, especially these days, that children have to be EVERYTHING to them but that’s not always the best attitude. Of course, care for your kids and be there when they need you but also don’t become a helicopter parent (not accusing you of being one, it’s just a potential trap many parents fall into these days). My mother wasn’t a stay at home mother so while I cherished the time I had with her after school/her work I also respected that she went out with friends and did other things for herself. Kids need to know that mom and dad need time together (side note: I think the absolute most important relationship is between parents, they are the foundation of the household, they are the relationship example your kids will have and that will greatly affect their present and future. Never betray or put that relationship on the back burner because it seems your kids always need the immediate attention, always nurture it.), that mom has her own goals that don’t directly relate to her children, etc. Otherwise you set yourself up for kids who will interrupt any of your activities and want you to do everything for them, even when they’re older, because they’ll subconsciously see you as their personal assistant. Overall, just continue showing that you have your own life aside from them and they’ll actually really respect you for it, nothing to feel guilty about.
Ohmygosh, I totally think my kids think of me as their personal assistant! Lol!
Seriously though, your comment is very well said & I totally agree, thanks for sharing!
Two things:
1. I have been blessed with three boys….well my third is due in 5 weeks. And even though you don’t do many boy related posts, I would purchase items from you. So excited to hear this news! Would you consider focusing on some boy related posts, for us moms who are in a house full of testosterone?!
2. I work full time and have EXTREME mommy guilt if I don’t race home after work or schedule time away from them on the weekends. I wonder if it will ever, ever go away?
Three boys oh my goodness!! Have you ever seen Stacey’s blog? I think she has 3 too… http://www.boyohboyohboycrafts.com/
Not that I’m sending you away, lol, I’ll totally make an effort to put some boy stuff in there & more projects on the blog as well!
Even if you were trying to great rid of me, I wouldn’t listen 🙂 thanks! I will check her blog out and look forward to possibly seeing some boy stuff on here. Although, it is fine if you don’t. I will still dream of tutus and my little pony dresses 🙂
I loved this post, I mean hearing you’ll be having a shop is like music to a girl’s ears!
I’ve found that the older and busier you get, the more judgmental people become about your schedule. Maybe not intentionally, but judgmental none the less – usually out of jealousy. I have to say kudo’s for talking to your friend about it – I get angry quickly too but hate confrontation so I slide it under the rug.
Taking time to focus on your shop and making your blog more profitable is something important for YOU to do. You do so much for your girls and P, you deserve this!
Thanks so much for the sweet words Kelly, they’re much much appreciated. (:
So anything in particular you’d like to see in the shop??
I Looooove the artsy-wall type stuff you do like the Silhouette in Sam’s room, the paint brush pillow (tie-dye), the please go back to bed clock…you know, your usual adorable artsy home decor stuff. And I mean, if you wanted to venture off to jewelry (for people with ridiculously unfair fat fingers) I would not hate it. haha
LOL, Ok, got it!
thank you for posting this! im a mommy of a 2.5 year old
and i am always full of guilt and you just made me realize
that its ok to have time to myself. ireally have to do this more
and yes it probably will make me a better mommy when i am with
my daughter. i enjoy reading your blogs and you are an inspiration
keep doing what your doing beacuse if anything you sure do
inspire many mommies and wives!!!
Aw thank you Carolyn! And I want you to go take some time to yourself asap, consider it a mommy guilt experiment! It truly does make you a better mommy, it’s like that time away is hitting the ‘reset’ button or something
another angle you might not have thought about… Maybe your friend wasn’t saying you’re lucky to have such “free” time, but you are lucky to have the option. Not everyone can afford, find or trust a great babysitter and when you have one and the choice of what to do with the time she has your kids, it gives you “options” that not everyone has. Options to be able to work “outside” and to have the choice of whether to work outside. in that way you ARE lucky!
About once a year, I need the reminder that “Mommy Guilt” is alive and well (and the source of most of my anxiety/frustration) You, my friend, have given me the annual reminder (right on time!). Thanks! 🙂 I’m a single mother and I KNOW that the time my child spends with the other responsible adults in her life is good for both me and her but for some reason I tend to believe the little voice that says “I had her. And she’s my responsibility”. All the helping hands reaching out are exactly what I need to better our lives but I often reject them. So thanks for bringing me back to reality. I’ll put this post on a timer to re-read 364 days from now 😉
Yes ma’am! Consider yourself reminded! Lol!
And on another note, big fat pat on the back for being a single mom, major hugs your way, my mom was a single mom (and also didn’t like to leave me so she could go on dates or out with friends but I totally loved it because I just remember I got to stay up late and eat oreos!) & all the time I think to myself, ‘wow, I can’t believe she did this on her own’. It’s truly awe inspiring!
Very well written!
Mamaplusmini.blogspot.com
All of us struggle with this at some point!! I love your honesty in all your posts, sometimes we all need the reality that we are not in this alone. Good Luck and I can wait to see what I can buy!
Thanks Andrea, it’s good to hear I’m not the only one (:
Ok, honestly I almost stopped reading when you said you were opening a shop because that makes me ridiculously happy!! So excited about that!! But mommy guild is a bitch and we all face our own demons. It’s why I haven’t had a date night with my husband in 2 years… what if the kids aren’t good for the sitter, what if my house isn’t clean enough and they judge me, what if my child refuses to go to bed and the judge my parenting, how could I leave my babies with a stranger, what if something happens and i’m not there… it’s never ending. I work full time so I have 9 hours out of my day that i’m expecting someone else to take care of my kids, how is it fair that I should ask someone else to do it in the evenings as well….
Oh Mary, that sucks! You totally need a night out, in fact I insist that you take one!!
By the way I’m SO excited that you’re SO excited! LOL! Anything in particular that you’re hoping will be in the shop?
I’ve been following you for a few weeks now. You totally caught me by the heart with this. I’ve just had a little boy. He’s 10 weeks old now and I need to make the decision to go back to work (or not). I’m experiencing a serious case of mommy guilt at the thought of going back and leaving him for over 8 hours a day. No matter what people say about my mommying, I find a way to wonder if they’re judging me. That’s all on me. I need to work on that, like a lot.
Also, I just started blogging and was interested in the info you gave about ads that you have aded to your blog. How do you do that? How do you get specific companies to advertise on your blog? I would love more info.
Hey Linds! Not to discourage you but it’s a longggg road to make money blogging. You can look up the two ad networks I’m a part of, Blueprint Social & Martha’s Circle & then apply to become a member. They then bring the companies to you! I wouldn’t discourage you at all from doing it though, being able to be home with my girls AND works is hands down the best option for me. At the end of the day though you have to think about what’s best for you, then screw everyone else! (;
Thank you so much for this post, Natasha. I’m in my mid-20’s and I work as a preschool teacher. I have the summer off and I hate myself for not working on my blog more. Like you, in the long run, I want to do this as a living but amazingly, I never run out of excuses to put things off. But then, I follow moms like you who work on the same dream while raising children. And then I feel silly. I know I have to work on this now while I don’t have responsibilities like that so thank you for the push and for being such an inspiration.
Also, this post gave me the a-ha moment that I need. I snap at my bf a lot of times for things he say but I can never explain why those things bother me when I know he doesn’t mean it the way I make it out to be. You are right, it’s because I feel so insecure about myself. I think that’s also why I keep putting things off with my blog. I feel intimidated and insecure like I don’t have anything good to offer. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but it really is hard to find your niche in the internet with a gazillion blogs out there.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long comment. This was just a really good, thought-provoking post. Thank you so much for it. Thank you for being an inspiration.
Best,
Mary
Such a wonderful post. I think the balancing act is one ALL women deal with, kids or no kids. (And I can only imagine the guilt is 10 times worse when it involves kids.) I often feel guilty about what I spend my time doing – even though I know in my heart and gut that it’s justified and worthwhile. I think one of the best ways to deal with these feelings is to talk about them – to be honest and share our struggles with other women. Just like you’re doing. A big part of this guilt we all feel is the lack of sharing with each other. We often imagine situations are one way when they aren’t. Or that we’re alone in our feelings… when we aren’t at all. So thank you for sharing this. It’s such an important part of the conversations women should be having 🙂