Or at least that’s what people tell me. My therapist in particular. I just got home from the weekly therapy sessions that I started about a month ago, my goal has been to use anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication to help the immediate problem but then to use therapy as a long term solution.
I always thought therapy sounded kind of neat. Almost like a time to be completely self-indulgent and have someone be 100% interested in talking about nothing but you, we could spend an hour talking about how wronged I was as a teenager that my mom wouldn’t let me dye my hair pink and that’s why I have long term undecidability (that’s not a word is it?) when it comes to coloring my hair because of that painful memory. In reality, therapy is not fun. At all. I thought by now I’d be starting to get a grip on understanding why I feel the way I do but actually I feel more confused. Sometimes, like tonight, much more. Having to talk about, REALLY talk about, how you REALLY feel brings up a lot of things that I’m sure many of us would like to ignore. In fact I’m sure many people just push these things deep down inside for their entire lives. And even though sometimes I just want to go back to ignoring my depression and just going through the motions so no one, including myself, would notice I know that in order to live my life to it’s fullest potential I need to do this. I have to do this. Yes for myself but right now my biggest motivator is Sam. I want to give her a mommy that’s completely here, confident and in control, and one that truly understands herself because only then can I have the strength to really give her my best.
So yeah, I’m a bit bummed tonight and have a lot on my mind that honestly is too muddled to sort through right now, not to mention Samster is tugging on my sleeve as I’m typing this, but I just have to have faith in the decision I made to get better. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and just need to find a way to get through the not fun parts of healing. Actually blogging about it is kind of helpful, it’s still hard to know that people I know are reading something so personal but whatever, it’s the truth and it’s got to not just be my truth.
Keep your chin up! I hopes it gets easier for you. I envy you to be able to go and talk to someone.
You are so brave and you are a great mommy. I can really tell how much you love Sam.
Have you explored online discussion boards?
You are a wonderful mom. You will get better. Keep thinking positively. We are all here for you!
<> Melissa
Natasha,
Just keep in mind that we are all out here supporting you. 🙂
Let me just say growing up I had/have a very controlling mother. I was not allowed to color my hair pink (or else my mom was going to shave my head) nor was I able to have any friends. I remember when I did color my hair my mom did shave my head. The worse part was, was the fact that I was a freshman in high school. But it taught me a lesson.
I think that's what makes it so difficult for me these days to meet moms because I tend to stand back and absorb everything going on around me.
Till this day (even though my mom is the best mom ever and a great grandma) I know that she is looking out for my best interest. I tell her that she doesnt control me or my family and I will consider her thoughts but she cant get upset if I dont agree with her.
Things will get better. Therapy is brutal in the beginning but so helpful in the end. What a great mom you are to think of your daughter and strive to be the best mom for her. You should think of yourself as an inspiration to the rest of us out here to do the best we can. Hang in there!!
Natasha,
Therapy is no fun, but it is interesting (if you have the right therapist).
Have you tried any other online groups? I am in a few ones on myspace for support and it really has helped to talk to other ppl who are going through the same thing.
If you need to talk let us know!
Hey girl,
Listen up. Life is not that bowl of roses our Mommmas said it was… its full of a lot more gey, thank black and white, and things are hard…. very hard. Some of us (including me) have to work harder at keeping on those rose tinted glasses than others, and some will never understand that…. which totally stinks…. but thats life. Your commitment to making yourself better is commendable, and a huge step in the right direction…. I'm on the same path right now, and an amazed at how I can look at my 13 month old and feel such joy, but five minutes later I can feel the downside……. we just keep on trying and doing our best….
Feel free to email me… we can talk about this more in depth…. maegan.bell@gmail.com
Hey Natasha,
Usually I'm just a curious observer on your blog, happy to know what's going on with you guys. But I had to thank you for making me feel better about my own therapy experience. I've been seeing one for about 4 or 5 months now and my thoughts mirrored yours in that I always thought the experience would be refreshing and lovely, but i've found it to be one of the hardest things i've ever done and I find myself dreading the appointment. I like the woman i'm seeing, i just hate confronting things. I also think it doesn't help that I had a wonderfully happy childhood and relatively pain free life, makes me wonder what my problem is. I can only say that it gets easier. Or at least I've started to think that recently, we'll see. Either way, it's nice to know i'm not alone.
xo,
Jill