Mommy Guilt. Ick.
How do you even begin to describe it? The pit in your stomach you feel when leave your kid with a sitter & they’re crying. You may even feel it for leaving them at all. I’m on my second kid so I’m familiar with recognizing that guilt & most of the time I can easily remind myself that I deserve a break, I’m allowed to get a pedicure, it makes me a better mom, blah, blah, blah. I get that.
Here’s what I’m realizing about mommy guilt though, it’s a sneaky son of a bitch. It’s like the very hungry caterpillar I told you about on Monday. One day it’s a squishy nasty slug & then a few weeks later you could have a beautiful butterfly. It morphs so drastically you can’t even recognize it’s the same creature. Except mommy guilt doesn’t turn into a lovely Monarch, it morphs from a disgusting worm to a creeper moth. Just as unwanted & all from the same ugly place.
Allow me to explain…
I’ve had a backache for awhile now & well, I’ll just say it, it’s become really hard to take a leak. After a low fever popped up over the weekend & I felt like a truck had backed over me I recognized the symptoms & went to the doctor. A kidney infection, lovely. That’s all good & fine, the girls had camp Monday morning & P was a major trooper helping with them the rest of the day. I was OK with accepting a sick day, I was sick afterall. A couple doses of antibiotics & I could be back to business.
Except then I stayed sick. Monday night I felt worse, yesterday was miserable & seriously I COULD NOT PEE. At least not without a heck of an effort. My doctor isn’t open on Tuesdays so I decided I should just go to the ER & get checked out. I wasn’t in agonizing pain but I felt pretty certain I had some sort of blockage, so I went. Going to the ER when you’re a stay at home is not as simple as just taking yourself. I had to rely on my dear friend Stacy to watch my kids. Fine. She has kids the same age & I’ve kept hers before. I still felt guilty for leaving them but she assured me it was ok. I get to the ER & of course it’s a 5 hour ordeal, which means P had to pick the kids up from Stacy’s after his work event on the other side of town. Oh, and of course I had the carseats & was on the other side of town so I had to then ask my other friend to go to Stacy’s house, watch her kids so Stacy could drive MY kids in her van with her carseats to meet P at our house. If you’re not following basically I felt like I had majorly inconvenienced 3 different people because I couldn’t get myself together. I felt (feel) like I shirked the responsibility of watching my children, which IS my job after all, onto other people who really shouldn’t have to take that on. Except for my husband, yes he should help out when I need it but he had already helped me so much that week that I felt like I was sucking him dry too.
The Er doctor, who literally saw me for all of 30 seconds and didn’t even examine me, said that my bloodwork was fine, I should follow up with a urologist & he was sending me home with pain medicine. After FIVE HOURS that was it. No scans, no pushing on my belly does this hurt? Nothing. And THAT is when the guilt set in. I was coming home with no legitimate reason that I could justify inconveniencing everyone else. I even felt bad that I wasted the craptastic doctor’s time. From then on the guilt has been drowning me.
I’m trying to do some internal digging as to why I feel this way when deep down I know it’s probably not justified.
I don’t think it’s just my personality. When I was younger & was sick I had absolutely no problem accepting help from others. In fact, I’m sure I milked it for all it was worth. This didn’t start until after I became a mother.
Could it be we become so used to taking care of everyone else that when we need to be taken care we’re mentally unable to accept it?
Maybe being a mother turns you into a bit of a robot. Your brain gets rewired so you can no longer just let yourself be enough.
I am enough that I deserve to accept help from those who love me. I am a regular person & am vulnerable to the weaknesses of the human body just like those I take care of. When my friends or husband get sick I don’t look down on them for checking out. I certainly don’t abhor them for needing my help. I insist on helping them! So why is it so hard to believe that is exactly how they feel about me?
Perhaps if we had designated sick days, like in a regular job, then we wouldn’t feel like we were doing something wrong by staying in bed.
There is no set time off when you’re a mom. Perhaps the other side of accepting that concept is that when life does happen, which it inevitably will, and you HAVE to take time off you’re no longer able to do so without feeling like it’s wrong.
I’m not a Mom. So, I can’t say I know all the feelings you feel. But, what I can say is if I had a friend who needed all that and had kids… I wouldn’t at all feel they were a burden. I would understand we all need help sometimes, and this friend is the one that needs it right now.
I also was a pre-school teacher for 3 years. That Mommy guilt got a lot of parents… But what some parents fail to realize… There child knows the Mommy guilt too… And the minute that parent leaves… they go play. 🙂
Kids definitely sense the parent guilt! My cousin’s child started school today (kindergarten) and he could see his mom’s anguish on her face about leaving him so he told her not to worry, that she would be okay and so would he…and that he was going to miss her. GEES, kids are so sweet sometimes! I bet Natasha’s girls felt bad about their mom being sick also because they sensed her uneasiness and totally understood.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for getting sick, I know its hard not too but the girls need you to be 100% so your can give 100%.
You’re such a good mom, don’t be so hard on yourself. I know I put myself in the same position of feeling how you do often. Especially trying to juggle 2 jobs and be a mom to a 4 month old (with no family to help and only the husband to watch him when I’m not). If only moms got paid + sick & vacation days…
Omgosh, big fat hugs to you Markie!
You break my heart. You are probably extra emotional because you don’t feel well. I know I get extra emotional when I am tired or sick. You said it yourself, you don’t mind helping when your friends or loved ones need it. It’s a give and take thing, You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty. Now, I’m not a stay-at-home mom, but I am a mom. I have to work outside of the home so we can afford our home. I’m sure your friends don’t mind at all. Please don’t worry yourself over this.
I have nothing say other than I hope you feel better and *Internet hugs*
It really is okay! You are human, and that means you get sick. Let others do for you, like you do for them. It will make them feel good to be able to do something for you. It is frustrating when you want to help someone and they won’t accept your help, it deprives that person of feeling good about doing something for someone else.
Relax, recoup, regroup, and you will feel better. You are a fantastic mother and being sick is not going to take that away from you! Get well soon!
Hi Natasha,
I am a MOM 🙂 and I totally understand this feeling. I feel guilty every day …
i’m so sorry that you’ve got a kidney infection – yeeeouch! i crossed my legs and started doing kegels the second i read those words (not that it will do anything to protect me from an infection, it was just an involuntary response). speaking of involuntary responses, mommy guilt is definitely the worst one… by far. my theory is this: if your priorities are such that you experience mommy guilt, then you probably don’t deserve it. 24/7 care-taking is mentally taxing (at best) and mentally debilitating (most commonly). i’m a SAHM with two kids (5 and 8), so speak from experience. shifting gears is tragically difficult sometimes; logic does not play into it at all. from the outside, its clear that anyone working 18 hours a day deserves a few hours off here and there, right?! especially to go to the ER because you CAN’T PEE!!!! CAN’T PEE, woman!!! i just wanted to reassure you that it is the nature of the mothering-biz to put yourself last and warp your perspective about nearly everything relating to yourself. you are keeping fabulous company in your delusions, my dear! big hugs to you, and thanks for your awesome blog! 🙂
Omgosh Rachel, I LOVE your comment. ” if your priorities are such that you experience mommy guilt, then you probably don’t deserve it.” Warped perspective is so right, it really is messed up! But I truly love “you are keeping fabulous company in your delusions, my dear!”, put a huge smile on my face. Exactly what I needed to hear!
I have the worst mommy guilt! It’s so bad that I think I need to see the doctor. Get this, my kid’s are TEENAGERS!!!! Yes, I know!!! Hope you are feeling better 🙂
I get the Mommy Guilt too; I know it’s irrational, but yet I’m always second guessing myself. But, I have also been where you’re at – hating to inconvenience and ask others for help when I’m not feeling well. And at that point, I don’t see it as Mommy Guilt. I have really had to look deep into myself to figure out what it is… I am an independent person, but I typically am not someone afraid to ask for help for other things. The house is a disaster? No problem asking (er, demanding) my husband pitch in to clean it up. Can’t get a jar open? I’ll ask for help. But the sick thing? ALL sorts of guilt… and the more I really have reflected on it, the more I think the root is actually more of my fear of failure. I “should” be able to take care of my own child. When I have to ask someone for help because I am too sick to do it myself, I feel inadequate; like I have failed doing my job. it’s irrational, but it’s how I feel. I also fear what others will think of me… that they will watch my daughter, but feel as if my friendship is a burden (despite the fact that I would and have reciprocated the favor in a heartbeat). That they will think that I am less of a mother because I can’t do the job when it gets tough. And then, of course, it’s the whole fear of loss of control that also gets to me… yeah, sure, it’s a kidney infection this time, but what if I get a chronic illness? And I become unable to care for my daughter on a regular basis? Who will help me then? What if I get cancer? How will I a manage? It’s a huge anxiety-driven spiral for me…
Omgosh Wendy, it’s like you’re inside my head! Seriously, you just articulated exactly how & maybe even why I feel the way I do. It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one. Thankyou! (:
So… I was listening to the radio on my way to work and heard your hubby talking about you being in the hospital to have your appendix out! Oh, no! I’m sorry that you are going through that. My first thought was if he and the girls were at home, who was with you? I sure hope that you have someone with you and aren’t sitting in the hospital alone. 🙁
I will keep you in my prayers throughout the day, and hope all goes well. I’m sure it sounds kind of weird and stalker-esque, but I think I had the same reaction of concern that I would have had if a friend’s husband had told me the same… weird little internet… it’s like I have imaginary friends. 🙂
Hey Natasha,
I am not a mom so I can’t understand it in totality but I am a teacher and here is what I think:
1- Kids need their parents to be well
2- Kids need to see that their parents sometimes leave but COME BACK (it gives them autonomy and confidence)
3- Kids need to know that their parents can accept help from others because that means THEY will accept help from others (and not be crippled from this guilt – do you want your kids to feel like this too ?)
4- All ADULTS need to be adults too and even moms need to take care of themselves without the kids
5- If you can dish it (help !), you should take it too 😉
My mom is just like that and it KILLS me. She just wants to be everything to everyone and then she crashes… She is 71 !
By the way, have you thought that MAYBE your body was ASKING for a break by manifesting a kidney infection ? You have to listen to your body sweetie…
So my dear, I think you are feeling like this because you are not used to it… Meaning you should “practice” using help once in a while so it will not be such a disconcerting experience. Makes sense ? Just my two cents…
Hope you feel better and I am sure your kids and people around you understand that you are HUMAN !!! Take advantage of this time to pamper yourself and do what YOU want to do.
You know what Claudia, I think you’re absolutely right!
Mommy guilt, blaming yourself or beating up your self because we are not perfect. We get sick. Or the kids get sick. Or bad things happen to your well loved child (illness,physical or mental) , There is a wonderful book-“Hope will Find You” by Naomi Levy,about a woman who has a child with a serious illness.It is about having faith.Things will work out. This book is about loving a child,when the future is uncertain. I guess that appiles to all of us.
So Natsha,stop blaming yourself,because you got sick and had to go to the ER. Yes, we all get that “sick” feeling when we can’t be there every moment It is important for the little ones to learn that other adults can take care of them and love them,when mommy is ill. They learn that mommy takes care of herself!
I was not a stay at home mom but I worked for 37 years as a social worker and every time I took time off I felt guilty. I was always worried that one of my co-workers would have to take care of my clients because I wasn’t there. It didn’t matter if I had done every thing possible to plan for the time off or if I was sick, I still felt very guilty to have to rely on some else to do my job so I sort of know what you are talking about. It is a matter of what you feel is your responsibility and you hate having to rely on someone else to take on duties that you feel you should be doing. I have no solutions for you. When I first retired, I still felt guilty for awhile that I had dumped my caseload on someone else and just left.
You know, I think you’re absolutely right. It’s a sense of ownership that it’s my responsibility and I’m not able to do it…
I don’t have any kids but i did have a kidney infection a couple months ago and it was painful and awful. I was able to use sick days from work. In your case who do call to take a sick day there are no sicks days from mommy duties(which is the hardest job EVER). Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself… your kids need you to be 100% so there world can stay normal. Call me if you need a babysitter…lol. Get well and try not to worry to much.
First of all – I hope you are feeling better! And ER’s always suck – I went with chest pains once (I was 8) and hours later they dismissed me with “chest pains” as my prognosis. Seriously? That’s why I came here…
Anyways, I’m not a mom but my best friend is. She has a 3 year old whom I love more than life. When she had a kidney infection, they needed to keep her overnight. She doesn’t have much of a family or friends so I told her I’d meet her at the hospital. I ran to her house 3 different times to get her things that would make her feel “better” (comfortable). I didn’t see it as an inconvience at alll. In fact, I was glad she allowed me to help her. That’s what friends/family are for. Everyone will need help at some point, so when the time comes for me – I know she won’t hesitate to help out. Seriously, don’t feel bad. You have great friends and a wonderful husband, i’m sure they feel the same way I did. It made me feel better about myself 🙂
That is so sweet, and I know my friends would do that for me too. I guess I just need to get better at accepting it. Thanks for your comment though, it did make me feel better that it’s not just me this happens to!
i’m not really sure why that weird smiley face came up. It was supposed to say “i was eight” but i used the number sign…oh technology.
I have a chronic illness, so I inconvenience people all the time. All. The. Ephing. Time. I deal with it by telling myself that someday they will need me, and I’ll be there for them. Someday, when those three people need you, you’ll get them back. People were meant to be connected and rely on each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “it’s MY job” and thats where the mommy guilt core is in my opinion- (I’m a new mommy to a 4 month old but have been following you wayyyy before then) I think you do an absolutely amazballs job with your girls-with little to no help ( aside from hubby of course). I went back to work after 7 weeks pp and I experience mommy guilt every am- my mother watches him and specifically came out of retirement to watch him and I still feel guilty like I should be the one takin care of him because it’s my job- even though we cant afford for me to be a SAHM-I sometimes feel im not a good mom because on my “day off” its the only time i can go to a dentist appt or get a mani/pedi and every minute spent waiting i feel like im waiting in vain bc i think ” i should be at home with baby” or ” im waiting and maybe im missing one of his ‘firsts’ things- and I don’t “want to miss a thing” … I think instinctively we hate asking for help bc deep down inside we want to be super mom and do it all- well even super heroes need a good teeth cleaning every now and again, right?
Ugh, I hear ya loud & clear. Mommy guilt truly is toxic.
I’m not a SAHM, but I sure know the feeling of mommy guilt. Sometimes you just need to do what you have to do before it all really piles on and then you’re really getting hit left and right with issues. That’s what happened to me. I let things go and go and go until I’m forced to deal with them, except by the time I do they’ve multiplied 10 times worse. In the course of 2 weeks, I got an upper respiratory infection from letting a cold go on too long without going to the Dr. So after a fever from that for a few days, I went to the doctor. Not two days after starting to feel better, one of my sons and I both got hand foot and mouth virus. It was awful, and was another 3 day fever. Add to that a neck issue that required physical therapy for a month, and then strep throat to top it all off. All this in two weeks! And, since I work full time, I was having to go back to work as soon as I wasn’t contagious with all these viruses. Oh, and still care for two kids ages 5 and 3 AND I also coach two little league teams. There was one weekend, while I was still contagious from hand foot and mouth virus, that I wasn’t able to coach the two little league games we had that day. I remember sitting on the couch with my youngest son, who also had hand foot and mouth, while my husband took my other son to his game and he helped to substitute coach. We sat there crying because we both wanted to go to the games so bad. Me to coach, him to play. I looked over at him and said “you know what, screw this let’s have a popsicle party” and the two of us just sat on the couch and ate popsicle after popsicle. The smile on his sick little face was priceless though. As much as we beat ourselves up over things, it does no good because the only way to get better is put our needs right up there with everyone else. We only hurt ourselves when we put things off for too long. Kids need happy healthy parents, so never feel bad for making your health a priority, because look at it this way…you’re doing it for your kids (and yourself too)!
You’re absolutely, 100% right. Man, you’ve been through the ringer lady! Selfishly though it makes me feel better to hear someone else’s house is getting knocked sideways with random illnesses & infections. I was starting to think we were cursed!
PS-We all had hand foot & mouth a month ago…wish I had thought of a popsicle party!
So, I have only commented once before (and, can I tell you?, totally geeked out when you commented back!) but feel so often that you articulate many of the things I am feeling. Love that. Anyway, this feeling of guilt and shame that we women feel must come from some place of feeling not worth it, not valuable enough to matter. I know I feel it all the time. It seems like we give so much of ourselves but no one is giving to us – emotionally, physically, intellectually, whatever. I haven’t found the answer to this, though I know (only intellectually) that we are all valuable enough to ask and receive help. Eh—I don’t know what I’m rambling on about other than to say “I hear ya, sistah!”
And, by the way, I am going back to your mommy med posts as I just got myself on some meds. I thank you for your honesty in this area as you are one of the people that got me to finally admit my struggles and to do something about it.
Good for you! There’s no shame at all in recognizing life is hard and finding the best way possible for you to deal with. I’m absolutely certain meds have made me a better wife, mom & person. I hear ya sistah!
I think you absolutely did the right thing. Think of it this way, what if you decided you didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else and you would just suck it up. What would’ve happen if you really did need emergency help and just ignored it? You could’ve ended up in the hospital for days, weeks or even worse. You could’ve needed surgery or been dying.
You’re lucky you had people there to help you, too. My husband and I don’t have anyone near us that could watch our daughter for us if we had an emergency. Our closest friend/family is a good 30 minutes away at a minimum.
Don’t beat yourself up….you are prob one of the best mommy’s i know and i mean that…..
You are not alone. Even when you know you deserve a break it doesn’t lessen the guilty feeling. In my mind it makes total sense… I need a break. I deserve a break. My KIDS probably need a break from ME. But in my heart I still feel guilty. I have never spent a night away from my kids, and our oldest is FIVE. No night away in five years! My husband and I could use a getaway. But I know I will just spend the time feeling guilty, so why bother? I was hoping over time that would go away but its just not.
Oh man. How are you feeling. physically and emotionally?
I know I am a week late on this, but I would not feel guilty or beat yourself up. How often is it that you are sick, or get to take a sick day? Good friends and a good husband (or partner) is what is important! You are a great mom, friend and wife, right? It is very fortunate that you have such great support to back you up when you really need it!
I hope you are feeling better!
I heard this morning that you had to have your appendix removed 🙁 Hope everything goes well and you make a speedy recovery! I also wanted to ask/suggest that if you have an urgent care center near you guys that you should definitely go there instead of the ER. There’s a Patient First near us and they are so much more convenient than going to the ER and they’re open everyday until 10pm. They are faster and you can get your medication on site if they have it. I don’t work for them or anything I just hate hearing people’s horror stories about the ER and always recommend them. Take care 🙂
Ugh mommy guilt is the worst. I’d probably need to be hit by a truck to see a doctor.
p.s. caterpillar balls. He he. I just had to say that.
Aww hon, I TOTALLY feel for you (and understand completely that “Mummy guilt”!!) I think as soon as they are born we are injected with a dose of the drug at the hospital and it will. never. leave. us – they are our own, we made them and instilled in us is this force that no one else will get apart from you – to protect and “Mother” them forever …and ever. The whole “not being able to accept help from others” I totally get – like you I have turned the tables around in various situations and it seems that we get ourselves in a ravel when it comes to US needing help. We just wind up feeling guilty which we all know is ridiculous…but like I said – the minute they are born it all starts! You needed help, you were going through a hard time and you are awesome and a super Mum, but you can’t do everything! Sometimes our family and friends also like to help us – we may not think this but it is true – let other people help out and practice not feeling guilty for it – you over a lot of people have all the more reason for asking for it considering the rough time you had etc xxx:)