This morning we were going about our usual ritual, yogurt smoothies in the living room, Today show on the tv, undranken cold coffee in my mug. Sophie & Sam were going about their routine of taking out every single toy we had put away the night before. Then poor Sam told me she needed to throw up. Weird, right? Of course I rushed her to the toilet, held back her hair & rubbed her back. But she didn’t puke. Didn’t even gag. When I suggested we go back to the living room she freaked, yelling at me to hold her & that she HAD to throw up. We went through this conversation 3 or 4 more times before I got to thinking about if she didn’t really have to throw up then what was her goal in wanting to stay in the bathroom? Why would you rather be in boring, cold bathroom staring into a toilet then under a princess blanket in front of the TV? Then I realized the difference is this…
Sophie monster.
That baby is head over heels in love with her big sister. She follows her everywhere, climbs all over her & eats her toys because obviously whatever her sister has is AWESOME. Sam just needed some gosh darn peace & quiet. Sometimes as adults we certainly need a little time away from each other. Hence the day spa, or solo table at Starbucks. Why didn’t I realize that my 3 year old needed some time away from her other half, her sister.
The first 13 years of my life I was an only child. I hated it. Candyland sucks as a solo game. I just assumed that even if Sophie was a tad on the annoying side at least she was a companion & that had to be better than being alone. I think I forgot to consider the fact that some, actually most, people need a little alone time. Now that I think of it Sam really does enjoy to sit and work a puzzle in the other room or sometimes she’ll even slink off to go play in her room for hours & I think that may just having something to do with the fact that Soph can’t get up the stairs. Why did I think that if she & Sophie were both awake than they should be together? Perhaps I didn’t actually “think” too much about it at all.
So the question is how do you determine when to make siblings “deal” with one another & when to give them their own space? Especially if the two parties wouldn’t necessarily agree on which they’d prefer?
I have so much to say about this, and no answers at all. We built a little “office” area out of plastic baby gates for our older girl when the little one was still just crawling. It was her own special space to keep “big girl” activities in, on her little easel desk, but it she was still there for the little one to keep an eye on. Sometimes it worked, sometimes the little one grabbed onto the gate and shook with all her life force to get in.
I was an only child for 11 years so sometimes I throw that whole “you don’t know what its like NOT to have a playmate” baloney at them now that they are 5 and 2.5 and can play cooperatively (and by cooperatively I mean they both have a particular game in mind which involves toys A, B and C, that they want to play now, but in no way resembles what the other wants to play)
If you figure out a happy balance, please share ASAP
We have three kids and only one is an extrovert. They are all great people and (mostly) good friends, but the middle child needs alone time nearly every day. My husband and I will switch and take oldest and youngest to the park, while the middle child goes to the library with the other parent. She sits and reads and gets all her alone time and is so happy. When those trips are not possible, we create a way for the kid needing alone time to get it in their rooms or on the couch by engaging the other siblings with a game or making bread or something.
It is a very difficult balance and it is difficult to be in tuned to all of them. We don’t do it perfectly, but we try. It gets a bit easier as the youngest, who is two, gets older.
PS That photo series of Sophie is amazing!
That makes me feel better, it’s nice to know that other people have kids that aren’t all wired the same. (seems like a no brainer but it’s still nice to hear)
I have 2 boys 3 & 5…..they are thick as thieves, ALWAYS with each other. My oldest started K this year and my 3 yr old waits with baited breath until he gets out every day. Often asking me when his brother will be done with school. My oldest is a techie he likes computers and games and all of that, where the younger one is content on playing with toys and using his imagination. So every now and then they get a break from each other if even by accident. We also have them in the same bedroom (to conserve heat/cool air) so at night they watch a movie, and play with leapsters or just watch. They are still together, but it’s so quiet, it’s almost like being alone.
I have twin boys, 5, so they are the exact opposite – they’ve never been alone their entire lives. BUT, they still need their own personal time. One likes reading, so he’ll read while his brother colors. They share a room, so I have also found that separating them for 10 minutes (one into their room, and the other into the guest room) helps too!
I do think it will get easier in age for you/
We have four kids in a fairly small house — there really isn’t room for any of us to escape. Mostly, it’s “just deal with it.”
Is Sam after the distance from her little sister, or the one on one attention?
You know, I think it’s a bit of both. I definitely need to do more mommy/samster alone time. It’s just so hard when the other kid is so in your face about wanting the attention!
I was the same way as Sam as a kid. I have a younger sister who is 2 years younger than me that drove me crazy as a kid (love her to death now!). I needed a lot more one on one attention with my parents so my mom would take me out for an ice cream cone at mcdonalds, read me a book in her bed, take me for a walk in our neighborhood. She also used it as a reward system (I was a demanding attention kid – now i’m a demanding attention adult haha). If I did well in school, sharing, doing chores, or whatever was appropriate for my age – she would reward me with 15 minutes of time with just my mom, uninterrupted. I aimed to get good grade and put away my toys for those glorious rewards, and it worked.
Trust me – I completely understand where Sam is coming from and it is totally normal. Once she gets older (teenage years) she’ll be so glad to have a little sister. It’s an incredible bond. But until then she’ll see her sister as the reason she doesnt get more solo time or attention. I know you and P have a lot of other things going on but maybe the reward system would be helpful? She won’t resent Sophie and maybe behaving better will make you less stressful 🙂 Best of luck!
Thank you so much for your comment, I love that all you wanted was some extra mommy one-on-one time, that actually reminds me so much of Sam & I hope this doesn’t sound silly but your comment really helped me understand her. Thanks! (:
I know Nicole(4) makes it quite clear from time to time that she would like more space from Olivia(10 months, walking, affectionate, terrifying little girlmonster), but I unsympathetically point out to her that she can pack up and move to the other side of the babygate or bedroom door 😉 That said, she definitely ‘does better’ if my hubby or I take her out on a ‘date’ once in a while. The other day it was just to Sally Beauty for some curlformers and her choice of nailpolish color, but that’s all it took! Preschool three afternoons a week helps, too.
That would be Sam’s dreamdate…need to do that asap, thanks for the idea! And yes, preschool=awesome
With 4 kids the whole space issue is a big deal. I force alone time every afternoon. Even if they don’t want it. It is good for everyone. Other than that, if they want to be alone they are welcome to go curl up with a book somewhere but I encourage them to play together more often than not.
She’s a pretty smart girl! For the most part, my boys (13 months apart) enjoy spending time with one another but I have noticed lately that my youngest (who normally wants to do everything with big brother) has been sneaking upstairs to the play room for some quiet time. I think it’s a nice break of no yelling (for me and for them) and I know he needs the time to himself. My oldest starts going to preschool for a little over an hour 4 days a week in October and I am looking forward to spending some time with my youngest since he’s never had that. Hopefully it will be a nice break for big brother also.
i just laughed out loud reading this to my husband. baby boy #2 is on the way and i’ll definitely have to keep this in mind…thanks for the tip 🙂
LOL!!! I love this blog and I feel like this post explained my daily life! I have two girls that are 2 and 1 and now that my one year old is walking a little better, all she does is follow her big sister around. And sometimes, she wants to get away and other times, she loves it!!
So, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Thanks for the tip! 🙂
BTW, I love the pics of Sophie!!!! They are both soooo adorable!!
Aw, I totally get her perspective! I was the oldest of 5, and only 17 months apart from my sister. We shared a room for most of our lives and I never got a peaceful moment, especially when more kids arrived! My mom had us do EVERYTHING together and I resented it. We were at each other’s throats by high school. We’re thick as thieves now that we live in different houses, but I’m sad it took 25 years for me to figure out what a great friend I could have in my sister because we took up too much of the same space when we were growing up.
My philosophy is to make sur e that each of my children has their own time, space, and activities that they do on their own. It’s been easy with only one to manage, our second child is making his arrival in January, so I’ll get a taste of putting it into practice.
Aw, thanks Sarah! It’s so nice to hear from someone who’s been through it and how it turned out
Thank you for bringing this to my attention! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it as well! Like you, I have two girls. [one just turned four and the other will be two in a few months.] When I was pregnant with my second we decided to have them share one room as their bedroom and then share another room as their playroom. I just wanted them to be close, and they really are best friends. When one cries the other does too, and most nights when I go to check on them before my bed time I find them curled up in the same bed together. But lately they have started fighting and I don’t know how to deal with it. Do I referee? Do I let them work it out? All I know is that four year olds know how to be annoying on purpose and this causes the little one to make this awful whining noise, that I swear makes my ears bleed. The older is in school a few mornings a week but maybe that’s not enough time apart?
OMG this sounds exactly like my two!! My eldest is 4 and my youngest is 15 months and boy does she follow her EVERYWHERE!! The poor thing can’t even go to the toilet in peace! I try to take the eldest out on my own but when ever I suggest her and I go to the movies or something the first thing she asks is if her sister can come too. So I guess I’m lucky that it kinda goes both ways, they want to be together ALL the time!
Maybe when your hubby is home you can run a few errands with one of them and leave the other with daddy, that way everyone gets a bit of one on one time. Then next time swap. Or hubby can run errands or whichever works best for you guys!!
This is bringing back sooo many memories as well as some new nightmares a bit similar. My now 16 and 17 year old son and daughter would fight tooth and nail everyday of their lives until last year. They still have some squabbles, but they have become best friends. I would pull my own hair out often over the years because the older they got the more horrible they were towards each other. I used to separate them even as late as 2 years ago. I always reminded them that what hurt me the most was their fighting and hurting each other. The #1 rule they got in trouble for breaking was physically hurting one another. I just would never stand for that. I am so happy to see how they have grown so close. They are very protective of each other and I think it is wonderful.
Now on the other side of the dimension here is my almost 3 year old. She is like having an only child of sorts unlike my oldest 2 who happen to be less than a year apart. Through the economic crisis we found a somewhat practical solution. Ok…well maybe it’s a bit of an insane solution, but it get’s the rent and bills paid! My friend/co-worker has moved in to our 2 bedroom townhouse with her fiance and 28 month old son. I’m crazy…right!!??!! So of course my little girl is very over protective of everything about 97% of the time. The other 3% you will find them laughing and playing together. It’s such a different situation as they are not siblings and kinda got thrown into this situation by their respective parents.