Samster’s got it bad and I have no idea what to do about it.
This past weekend while we were in Florida I was hoping to get some time to relax since I’d have so much help with the baby but apparently Samantha had other plans. She’s been getting pretty clingy lately so I assumed she’d need to be around family for a bit to warm up but I had no idea that even after 4 days she’d still scream bloody murder if someone tried to hold her. It’s gotten so bad! She not only cries if someone takes her but now she won’t even let anyone else feed her! That mouth clams right up as soon as I put the spoon in someone else’s hands.
Tonight I feel so stressed and I think it’s because I usually get some time off during the weekend with P’s help but since we were traveling and Sam wanted nothing to do with our family I’ve been taking care of her 24/7. That compiled with her being extra needy today and I’m one big ball of stress with a killer migraine. I’d normally pop an Imitrex and bury my head under the pillow but I just keep stressing about how to get her out of this or if she’ll get out of this phase that I thought blogging would help me leave the issue behind for the night.
So here was our day today, actually let me start with last night…
As I’ve mentioned before Sam is in our bed now. It started around 4 weeks ago when she was cutting two teeth and had an ear infection. After a few nights of her crying every hour I just brought her to bed so I could at least not have to physically get out of bed every time she woke up. After that she caught P’s stomach bug and it made sense to keep her in the bed awhile longer since I was changing blowout diapers all night long. Fast forward and she’s still there. We put her to bed in her crib just fine but around 9:30ish she’ll wake up and cry to come to our bed. I’ve given in thus far and have now created a monster. 100% my doing but it’s done nonetheless.
The bad part now is with this separation anxiety whenever she wakes up during the night she looks for me and can’t fall back asleep until she’s scooted over and burrowed in right next to me. I can’t imagine trying to get her to sleep in her own bed when she’s already getting completely freaked out that I’m going to somehow disappear.
So that’s the night routine. When it’s time to wake up it is kind of nice opening my eyes to my smiling baby but then once we get downstairs the freaking out begins as soon as I set her down with her toys. Just to make a bottle, get a cup of coffee or pee I have to listen to her complain or even scream. Sometimes I’ll pick her up and do what I need to do with her on my hip if I can’t deal with the crying but other times I’ll just call to her that she’s ok and hope that she’ll get over it.
She never gets over it.
Today at Target the only way I could get her to stay in the cart was to let her hold (and inevitably chew) on whatever I was buying. Not exactly sanitary but I just couldn’t take holding her anymore. Is it bad that I let my kid gnaw on the toothpaste box so I could get a small break?
Back at home more of the same. She’ll only play with her toys if I’m sitting on the mat next to her. Even then she’ll turn around every couple of minutes and grab onto me like she just needs to be sure I haven’t gone anywhere. I assure you, I haven’t gone anywhere! Dad always feeds her dinner but tonight she pulled a clam up only mommy act and after around 10 minutes and peas all over her face I stopped what I was doing and fed her dinner.
By the time bedtime rolled around I think P could see that I was on the verge of losing it so even though he had just bathed her (and bleached the tub since Sam decided to poop in it…another blog for another time) he very sweetly scooped her up and put her to bed while I tried to unwind in a hot shower. Good hubby.
So the question is what do I do about it???
All the books and websites say separation anxiety is completely normal around this age and a bit older. I’m sure it doesn’t help that it’s mostly just Sam and I all day. She only gets babysat maybe once or twice a month and although we go on playdates during the week I’m always with her. Do I just accept this as a phase and deal with it until however long? (Possibly losing what’s left of my mind in the meantime) Or do I let her ‘cry it out’ in hopes that she’ll figure out how to be more autonomous? Perhaps the solution is just the opposite, to shower her with love and affection whenever she asks for it that way she’ll grow to be more secure that mommy will be there when she needs her and therefore she’ll be able to relax if I walk away that I’m not going to abandon her. Maybe letting her cry will make the problem worse. Or maybe I’m making the anxiety worse by always being with her? Or maybe I’m going to drive myself batty by overthinking it! (:
Would love to her other mom’s experiences with this…
I know I’ve been complaining a lot lately but it’s been a rough couple of months and sometimes it’s nice to just get on here and vent. Not to mention the support ALWAYS helps!
Thanks for listening.
**Update**
Just saw this when I went to bed, all of sudden everything feels so worth it and I’m going to sleep with a big smile on my face.
P is so gonna kill me for posting this but how cute are they?! He posted my HS yearbook picture today on his website anyway so I feel no remorse.
Hi Natasha,
You will only make it worse if you let her “cry it out” bc she is already afraid of the seperation. It is completly normal, my three girls all went through this. Sophie refused to eat for anyone but me for the longest time. I found the best way to deal was to keep them in the same room, talking or singing while they played near me and they would eventually relax and realize I wasn’t going to leave. When you can, take some time for yourself at night, get your nails done, shop, whatever, while your husband stays with her. This will help you get a break to regain some sanity and rejuveinate (amazing what a hour alone can do! lol), Plus, it will help her not to be dependent so much on you. Cherish the moment though, bc one day soon she will want to go play by herself and will be going off to school, etc., and this will just be a memory : )
My son went through a stage like this. He didn’t want anything to do with anyone buy me (even his own daddy!). I made sure that my husband was a part of everything- even if it meant just sitting there while I fed him, bathed him, played with him… Eventually, Hudson would start to let my husband feed him and me just sit there. Now my husband give my son dinner and his nightly bath so that I can have some free time.
As far as “crying it out”… some people will tell you that you can never let a baby cry it out or they will say that is the only way for them to learn… you have to do what feels right for you. It seems like every mom thinks that they are a parenting expert just because they’ve had a kid or two but the only parenting expert in your house is you. YOU know what is best for your baby. Try different things. If they don’t feel right, then they aren’t right.
Good luck!
That makes me feel so much better, thank you! Also on a good note Sam slept through the night last night for the first time in…I can’t even remember! 12 full hours of sleeping baby bliss. I feel like a new woman!
Natasha,
This is a very hard time for you. I stayed home with my three children. When you stay home with them, they seem to become more dependent on you. My two youngest did all the things that you are describing in your blog. I used to call my husband at work at times and cry to him to just come home. It is very hard when you are the caregiver 24/7. I agree with both of the comments above but, you have to do what feels right for you. Samster will adjust but, it will [robably be harder for you to adjust than her! With summer coming, do you have anyone that could come into your home and be a mommies helper. If you could find someone they could play with you and Sam and Sam would get used to that person with you and at your house that maybe you could eventually go off and enjoy a little “Nat” time. Just an FYI but, my daughter is a Senior in high school and she has taken childcare classes at her school. You could probably call your local high school and I am sure they have a childcare program at the school and talk to the teacher and I am sure that he/she could suggest some students. Now, my daughter is also CPR certified (which I believe to be very important) but, you also works at a after school program where she needs that certification. She has also attended a babysitting class, even if you were to find someone that you like maybe, you could pay for the class. They teach different areas of caring for a baby/children and they also teach them CPR. Oh, well…just a thought. Sorry, I am rambling! LOL! Good luck with this stage and it will go away but, don’t worry…there will be another stage so, it never gets boring! Take care. Much love to your family 🙂
Nat, I hate to say it, but it is completely normal and actually from what I read Sam is getting separation anxiety a little early.
I know it’s tough b/c you are mainly the only one she sees everyday and that she knows where her butter is bread, however, you can only let her cry it out so long. Take baby steps. When my sons throws his tantrums, I do actually walk away and it’s over a lot faster. It’s the attention they are seeking. All I can say about allowing her to sleep in your bed is to try and kick this habit quickly. Good luck! I’m always here to listen!
Natasha,
This is completely normal and know that it’s just a phase. It’s a tough one to go through but trust me, after having three kids and speaking from experience, it gets better. I have an 8 month old that is going through this right now as well and it’s draining but I know it’ll get better. My husband and I haven’t been on a date night in forever because she we won’t stay with anyone but my parents and I certainly can’t ask them every time we want to do something. So, we just suck it up and know in a few months she’ll be better and we can move on. So, please know that you aren’t alone. It’s all a learning experience, especially with your first so just hang in there.
Hey Natasha,
So as you know we are ahead of you by a few months and one thing that my mom always told me was never to put Kristian in our bed with us “or else”. We have done pretty good so far but the best piece of advice that I can give you is if you can take her to a daycare a couple of times a week where she can interact with others and you go run errands or whatever you enjoy doing, this will give her opportunity to explore on her own and be a little more independant. The problem that you will also have with her sleeping in your bed is that you and P will start arguing more because you all will not get comfortable sleep and just like you all need privacy she needs her space where she can role around in her crib.
Furthermore you can put lullaby music in her room to see if that helps. Most importantly talk to her and let her know that you are in the other room and that you arent going to let anything happen to her. (I know that may sound retarded and your thinking that she doesnt understand but she does especially if you use a soothing tone).
See if you can leave Sam with one of your play dates while you are out and about do it slowly first leave for an hour and then increase the time.
Im sad to admit this but when I go to pick Kristian up from daycare he doesnt want to leave because he likes playing with the other children and he comfortable there. Its a good feeling to have that he is in a safe environment and the enjoys the interaction with the other children.
Hi,
I just started reading your blog so i am a little behind the times for this, but I wanted to add my 2 cents worth.
As a mom, you have to do what YOU feel is right. We had and still have problems with my daughter and other people. She is 4 years old now and she still is very much a mama's girl. I use to get annoyed that she wouldn't even look at or talk to people that she didn't know, and I would get especially annoyed when it was someone she did know. Then I learned to just chill out about it. She is just super shy. Like her dad. And I realized, it was easier for me if I didn't have to worry about her walking off with someone she didn't know or wasn't comfortable with. It was really stressful, and every once in a while I get bugged by it, but my daughter is her own person and I respect that.
As for the co-sleeping. We started co-sleeping with my daughter again a few months ago. We would spend hours every night arguing and fighting at bed time. It just left both of us feeling miserable! Then she got a cold, and coughed all night. I was up every 30 minutes checking on her. I finally brought her into bed with us. Since then, we all sleep better, even now that she is better. Yes, it does kinda get in the way of intimacy, but when she gets up before me and my hubby, that's when we have our time. Just recently my daughter decided she wanted her own room again. I hauled out all my crafting stuff out of her room and set it up as her room again. She slept in there for 2 nights. 2 nights where no one really slept. I told her she had to sleep in her room, now that we set it up again. Then I realized that no one was really getting any sleep, and I left it up to her. She spends most nights with us now, but occasionally she will sleep in her bed.
I use to fell ashamed of her refusal to talk to other people and also of the fact that she slept with us. Then I got a grip of my self and realized that it is no one else business how I raise my healthy happy girl. And that is exactly what she is. Healthy, happy, and smart (but I am not biased or anything).
Hello! I think I found your blog on Craftgawker? Anyway, I know you posted this more than a year ago, and your little one is now probably a little monkey like mine is, but I wanted to share the wisdom my father gave me when I was having this same issue with my infant son. I called my father exhausted because it felt like my son was attached to me 24-7. I was complaining and saying I didn't know what to do! My father replied, "Dishes and laundry can wait; hold that baby now, because there will be a time when he won't to be held." This was little consolation at the time, but looking back I realize how right he was!
Now with our second on the way, I plan on heeding his advice and enjoying having a little one who enjoys mommy's snuggles 24-7!
I had to comment, I know this isn't recent, but I wanted to say that I've gone through this with my son. He wanted mama for EVERYTHING and my husband was willing to let me do the work, which was frustrating for both of us. People would talk that I was babying him, but maybe he sensed something I couldn't, I don't know really. But either way my house was eventually always a mess, laundry rarely done and my hair barely combed BUT I got to spend precious, precious time with him that I knew I wouldn't always have.
A little side note. He has always had this little habit of holding a strand of my hair to sleep. It would drive me crazy, waking up to the unconscious pulling and yanking, my scalp would be burning! Then last night, at two years old, he didn't do it. Not once. And I was honestly sad. Crazy huh?