These last six months have been a very teachable time for me.
They say to take hope during the trials because those are times in your life where you can truly grow. If that’s true I should be about 18 feet tall by the end of February.
There have been so many times where I’ve wanted to write to you. It’s also been a very wide range of topics that have tempted me to post. Sometimes I felt like I could just unzip my heart & let it all come splashing out onto the page. Maybe by sharing I could get some relief from what felt like an enormous amount of pressure that could make me burst at any moment. But before I could get the words onto the page I realized I had no idea how to say what I was going through. It’s one thing to confide your every thought in a best friend who you know is a vault, it gets a little trickier however when that friend happens to be listening to you through a completely public post on the world wide web.
Other times I have just wanted to share the simpler, mind escaping things I was doing like painting our kitchen the most perfect shade of a pink tinged white. Once again however I became tripped up when my fingers hit the keyboard. Somehow it felt like I was being inauthentic. Sometimes with lifestyle blogs where you only see the beautiful surface I’ve found I can be left with the feeling of why doesn’t my life look more life hers? If she can do it why can’t I?
I have always felt passionately that with this blog you know that what’s pretty or fun is great but that I have my problems just like you. It’s messy & beautiful all at the same time. So sharing the paint colors without ever mentioning the hardships that are so prevalent in my life right now just felt unbalanced.
So I opted to say nothing.
I still have been posting little snipits on Instagram & Facebook but I decided I would wait to write here until I felt a peace that I knew what to say. Today ((smiling)) I feel like I know.
Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. It can be also love without conditions.
This April will mark 8 years ago that Peter & I were married.
On that beautiful warm day in Florida we both looked into the others eyes & said the vows millions before & after us have recited to one another…
I, Natasha, take you, Peter, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Looking back now, with all the experiences of the last 8 years, the sharing of my life with someone…sharing a home, a bed, a checking account…having that person be the other half of who would bring our two beautiful girls into this world, & sharing with that person everything that comes after they are born as well. Those incredibly amazing yet trying times that come from experiencing parenthood together. The hardships, the disagreements, the disappointments but also the incredible rewards, the realization of true intimacy, compassion, compromise & that profound subject we vowed eight years ago…unconditional love.
Looking back now I get why some people decide to live a life together without getting married first. There is something beautiful & dare I say, more meaningful about committing those vows to your partner after you’ve been through the sickness & health. After you know not just what the ‘for better’ but more importantly what the ‘for worse’ is like & you still want to say those vows. Sometimes I’ve wondered if that twenty seven year old girl in her beautiful white dress really knew what she was saying, because really, how could I have known what it was going to be like, how far those vows would be asked to go…
Over the last 6 months I have reached a point where I thought about breaking those vows. I wanted to believe that no matter what he did or didn’t do, I would still be in it with him. No matter how hurt or resentful we could become I would stick through it. Turns out there is a place where I could go no more. A place where keeping those vows to him would mean choosing to allow a wrecking ball to continue to knock down what was left of me. It really becomes an issue of at what point do you choose yourself instead. Is there ever a point where you can plea ‘self defense’?
In the heat of an argument or even a long lasting ‘rough patch’ we’ve all said it, “That’s it! I can’t take anymore.” But deep inside we knew we could. We knew there was still room. It wasn’t really the breaking point. It certainly felt darn close, but it wasn’t the end…yet. If I picture my marriage as a road that I’m on this was the part where I suddenly stopped because taking one more step on that road would be falling into a ravine where I feared I couldn’t come back from.
I don’t think I need to share all of the specifics of what we’ve been through the last few months for this to be a post of not just honesty but hopefully inspiration or comfort as well. However, if you listen to my husband’s show then you might know that P has bravely decided to share about his recent diagnosis of severe OCD & ADHD on the air in the last few weeks. Until he found a doctor however that could shine a light on why he felt the way he did, & more importantly how he could help my husband, those anxiety causing disorders controlled much of our lives. (people often use the term “OCD” to loosely describe how they are a bit of a perfectionist or a type A personality. True Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is so much more & now that I understand a little more about how P’s brain works it really isn’t being a ‘germaphobe’ or perhaps a bit more ‘tightly wound’ than others, it’s an anxiety provoking disorder that you can’t control.
The International OCD Foundation describes it as:
Imagine that your mind got stuck on a certain thought or image…
Then this thought or image got replayed in your mind over and over again no matter what you did…
You don’t want these thoughts — it feels like an avalanche…
Along with the thoughts come intense feelings of anxiety…
Anxiety is your brain’s alarm system. When you feel anxious, it feels like you are in danger. Anxiety is an emotion that tells you to respond, react, protect yourself, DO SOMETHING!
On the one hand, you might recognize that the fear doesn’t make sense, doesn’t seem reasonable, yet it still feels very real, intense, and true…
Why would your brain lie?
Why would you have these feelings if they weren’t true? Feelings don’t lie… Do they?
Unfortunately, if you have OCD, they do lie. If you have OCD, the warning system in your brain is not working correctly. Your brain is telling you that you are in danger when you are not.
When scientists compare pictures of the brains of groups of people with OCD, they can see that some areas of the brain are different than the brains of people who don’t have OCD.
Those tortured with OCD are desperately trying to get away from paralyzing, unending anxiety…
Much like how my connective tissue disease & Fibromyalgia have affected the whole family, his has too. That’s a lot of ish to put on a couple.
Up until a few weeks ago we didn’t know about the OCD or ADHD. For years I’ve thought that he had a anxiety problem but he didn’t. He thought the way he felt was how most people felt, it was just ‘stress’. It’s funny how our partners often really do know us better than we know ourselves. I have often felt like the girls & I weren’t enough of a priority or maybe he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I now know however that it wasn’t that he was choosing other things over us, he didn’t have a choice, the anxiety provoking compulsions trumped everything, even us. The thing is, if you just take the behaviors someone with OCD & ADHD exhibit but you don’t know anything about these underlying disorders that are causing the person to act the way they do, it can destroy a relationship. Mundane things for most couples like a vacation without the kids or even just a Friday night dinner & a movie out are things that the OCD took away from us. It’s sad because now, in hindsight, I can see how much both my & his disorders have hurt us. I felt neglected. He felt frustration. We both went to bed feeling like the other just didn’t understand.
I feel like I need to say, to snuff out any speculations, that P has never cheated on me. Not even close. He is an extremely loyal man, almost to a fault. He is also a wonderful father. Those girls adore him. Their little hearts are stuffed full with affection, love & experiences that only their Daddy could give them. He also loves me, I know that, he just couldn’t show me the way I needed.
I wish the unconditional love we have for our children came as naturally for our spouses. No matter what my kids do they could never even come close to changing how much I love them. With a spouse however no matter how much you love them, the way they treat you, especially when it chips away slowly over the years perhaps without you even realizing it, can affect the love you have for them. Resentment could quite possibly be the most harmful thing to happen to a relationship. It’s a nasty invasive parasite that slowly ingests the adoration, crazy love, generosity & respect you have for your partner. It’s also terribly resilient & can prove hard to unravel.
If only we had the limitless love for our spouses that we have for our children…it is what we promise them after all…
…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Before I had what I can only describe as the key that unlocked all the ‘whys’ I had for the way my husband was acting, I reached a place where I could not take anymore. The situation was hurting not only my heart but also the health of my body. It was affecting our girl’s lives & something had to change but the reality was that change was completely out of my control. It was in those moments, those ones you hide from your children where you break down, fall apart & cry out on the bathroom floor that the only way I got back up again, the only way I didn’t end my marriage was by having faith that this was in God’s hands. There was truly a reason. To remain on the path that staying in my marriage would take me looked through my eyes like walking right off a cliff. The end of the road, remember? But it was in those moments where my faith in God & his perfect plan for me was the only thing that I could hold onto.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:18
And you know what? After months, years really, of both of us being scared that perhaps it could always be like this, things changed. P sought out help for himself & through him reaching a point where he was ready to look inside he found a great peace that for the first time he understood why he was the way he was. I don’t want to speak for him but I do know that even though it has been an exhausting few months of therapy & self discovery for us both individually & as a couple, he now has answers. And with these answers come new hope. That hope then brings motivation & energy to try again. To stay on the road longer & begin to treat & eventually heal the gaping wounds on both of our hearts.
Now when I look at my husband I don’t first feel anger or frustration, emotions that both are often a manifestation of hurt & sadness, instead I feel a bond to him that is so much better than the fleeting butterflies that come with being “in love“. (a term which I think has a lot more to do with infatuation than real love)
I see a person with whom I’ve been to war. And we both know how lucky we are to have come out of it together. I now have hope that we’ll be stronger for it.
I’ll be married for 2 years in April and wow, I can relate to every single word you wrote. I too cling onto my faith when the things that happen in marriages makes no worldly sense. You’re doing the right thing and keeping faith in all the right places. I pray for renewal in your marriage and the deep knowing that God chose P for you and you for him. Thank u for sharing. It’s refreshing seeing a post on how marriage can really be. Not just the pretty parts.
Absolutely beautiful post. I’m the one with anxiety/OCD in my marriage and it was awful before I knew why I was the way I was. I completely sympathize.
Hi Natasha–
Thank you for making this Raw and Real. I have been married for 5 years and wondered if other couples ever went through ups and downs the way we have. My husband was sick 6 months after we got married.. It took 2 years to get diagnosis I and it was hard.. Now that he’s stable we want to have kids and have been dealing with infertility… I find myself having crying in the bathroom episodes often.. But like you I turn to my faith and have to believe things will work out and get better. I can’t tell you how much I relate to this even with no kids the spouse/relationship part… I truly believe it does make you stronger.. A constant roller coaster they say.. Thank you for sharing this.
Natasha,
As a woman who has been married for 44 years and a therapist who has counseled
many couples over 25 years…what I know without a doubt is that the purpose of
committed relationships is growth. Relationships…especially marriage and parenting
call us to growth like nothing else. When we gift the relationship with willingness then
everything is possible. Your post is a testimony to willingness and commitment. Scott Peck
in the Road Less Traveled defined Love as…” extending oneself for your own or another’s growth. And all growth is spiritual.” Blessings to you both for your success and for your
sharing. You can give your children no better gift than two parents giving their
relationship willingness.
Irene Tomkinson author…Not Like My Mother -Becoming a sane parent after growing up
in a crazy family
amazing. i felt like you were writing about my life. thank you.
Hi Natasha-
I read your blog from time to time but just happened to notice you posted the blog link on IG so I read it. This was such a beautiful post and just so refreshing to read something so real. I listen to P every morning, he speaks so highly of you and you guys have two beautiful daughters who I can tell adore you both. I wish nothing but the best for your marriage, I know you two will get through this patch. My fiance has anxiety and it can be rough but we’ve been learning to cope with it better. Thank you for sharing, I’m still moved by how beautiful it was.
Beautiful! I just got engaged and I am so excited to share this with my fiancé! Thank you, this was amazing!
Natasha… I’m so glad to see you posting again! I’ve been worried that your health had deteriorated or something was going on. So much of what you’ve posted resonates with the path my husband and I have been on. Unfortunately, he has recently decided to walk away from our marriage, and we are in the process of separating. I’ve learned that, in the difficult times, a marriage really does require 3 strands (God, man and wife). Sadly, my husband walked away from God several years into our marriage… and without God and faith, there is very little keeping you in a place where you no longer want to be.
I’m sad that it has come to this, but I’m most sad for our daughter, who does not yet know. Though it appears to be too late for us, I am still inspired by what you’ve shared… I still believe in the beauty of marriage, and I still believe that there are people out there like you and P who are willing to push through the hard times and come out on the other side, stronger. Unfortunately, both have to have that resolve; it can’t work when just one does.
Oh Wendy I’m so so sorry to hear that! Sadly I’ve had several friends who have found themselves in the situation you’re in. If it’s any consolation to you all of them had their husband’s change their minds and have a ‘come to Jesus’ moment after they had been away & seen how much they actually did want their family & marriage. One of my friends decided it was too late & the other took her husband back. All that to say don’t tell your children ANYTHING before you have to. You never know how things will change but once you tell them you can’t take that back. Remind me, are you local?? Send me an email so I can share some more stuff with you… natasha(at)littlepinkmonsters.com
Sent you one…
Although I read the entire post, couldn’t stop reading until the end, the words that you said “wish the unconditional love we have for our children came as naturally for our spouses” and that one whole paragraph really resonated with me. I often have thought the very same thing…how do we just naturally have unconditional love for our kids, but not a spouse who is supposedly our rock..our partner in life, a person that we “chose” to go through those sickness and health times. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I am doing a lot of searching.
I have learned over the past 10 years, when I was “diagnosed” with Fybromyalgia, that it really is more common than not. It causes a great struggle within ourselves because people (even some doctors) don’t understand just how it can affect us. Days and nights aren’t easy and it does become hard to look at your spouse, really look into them, and see that they may be struggling with something as well and not just being insensitive.
Thank you for sharing your post. I hope things work out for you two and your family.
Natasha and P.- I am so happy to read that you guys are at a place of positive. I will be praying for you guys that Gods love will calm you both and show you both the amazing life he wants for you and your girls!! Spend some time alone as a couple and remember the good times ( and make them happen again) that made you say “yes” when he proposed
THANK YOU FOR SHARING! My husband has ADHD and everyday I want to give up! I really appreciate this post, it feels good to know that I am not the only one that is going through this. We have two small kids and our journey has been rough, for one I didn’t understand his struggle or how his mind works, but with much research and a WHOLE LOTTA prayer, I am getting there. I can go on and on but I just wanted you to know that this really inspired me. I am in the midst of starting a group for spouses that have OCD / ADHD and would love for you to share your story. Thank you for the inspiration! We take this journey together and with God we will always WIN!!!
Nat- I’ve followed your journey for quite a few years now and once again I must applaud your honesty. It’s a beautiful quality. I’ve been with my partner over 7 years but married less than 1 and recently while high from dental surgery meds he said “I love you more now we’re married. Something changed, it’s different now and feels like a partnership.” That partnership is what outlasts that infatuation/in love stage. A partner can push you down but can also pull you back up. As a person that works in the psych field it brings me so much happiness and relief that P sought out treatment and you’re both taking measures to have a better understanding and awareness of each other’s needs and limitations. In this high tech, instant gratification society I think it’s so easy to feel like you’ve reached that “give up now” point but I’m really proud of the hard work you’re both doing for this marriage. Marriage is something sacred and you’re treating it as such, a wonderful example to your girls.
Dear Natasha, You are NOT alone! I have been married for over 22 years to my best friend, partner, foe, and love of my life! I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis and he has ADD plus, I’m sure! The battles continue but as long as you communicate and are open/honest with each other, you will survive! It hurts for me to be hugged at times due to my conditions which does not bode well for intimacy, etc. I feel nervous, guilty, scared and foolish but the pain is real and exhausting. My husband tries to understand but it is difficult. He has health issues which he has neglected for a long time. Recently, he has started to seek treatment and move forward which is a good sign. I cannot imagine my life without him and he without me. Those vows are real. Neither of us wants out of the marriage — it just means taking steps together and walking through the hard times. Hang in there! What you have with P is very special. You have climbed a mountain together — now you have to take the time to walk back down hand-in-hand. Stay strong! You’ll be okay!
I wish I had understood OCD so much sooner and could have spared my daughter so much suffering. I remember thinking she was just being stubborn and difficult when she would refuse to drink for days at a time because we wouldn’t give her a straw, and terrified when she said the “voices” would’t let her sleep unless she completed her nighttime rituals. Eventually we found an amazing doctor who realized the “voices” were the best way she knew how to describe compulsions. OCD will always be a part of her life and therefor ours but it’s no longer the defining factor in our lives.
Oh my Jen, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like as a parent. I’m so glad you found a doctor that could recognize the signs & help both your daughter & you learn to live with OCD in the best way possible. And please don’t let the mommy guilt keep its grasp around you if you can. I’m sure you always acted in what you thought was best for her.
Thank you so much for sharing this post. My husband was just diagnosed with OCD after 6 years of marriage and 9 years of being together. It truly ruled our lives. It is incredibly comforting to know that someone else is going through this. It did feel like we got to a point where I wondered if love was truly enough. How could we move forward if his priority was fulfilling his need to complete routines and certain behaviors over me and our family? But, like you, I clung to my faith. My husband and I are Believers as well and I’ve been praying for him to seek help for his anxiety for years. Like you, I knew something was wrong way before he could recognize it. He just always said he was a perfectionist and thought he was really thorough. I saw red flags when I saw the anxiety attacks, when he couldn’t stop the obsessive behaviors, even after I would plead. God is faithful and brought him to the point of help. Through this journey, I’ve learned patience and the beauty of love. Love and faithfulness of Christ and loving a spouse through a hard time. I felt the anger and frustration every time I looked at him and now I just feel unbelievable grateful to have him in my life. I feel like we’re stronger and the diagnosis was a huge relief is lifted off of both of us. I also know that we have a long road ahead. I’m still filled with worry — will my son have these traits? will the medicine work? will it get worse with age? will I really become a priority again? Thank you so much for sharing this. It feels therapeutic to event write this comment and acknowledge his OCD and the broken period we just went through. I have told very few about his diagnosis. Maybe we’ll be more comfortable talking about it with family or friends. Maybe not. However we feel, I’m ready for the journey. I know I will need His strength. I will be praying for you, Sister. Thank you for sharing. It feels like such a relief not to feel alone in this journey.
Wow Leah, if nothing else it was worth it for me to write this post so I could then get your ‘comment’, although it is so much more than that. Me reading your comment is a lot like I’m guessing it was for you to read my post. So so relieving! For the longest time I either thought I was crazy because he was in denial about it for so long & hated when I pushed about it & then the last few years as it became worse it totally ruled our life together. But like you, now that we know, now that there’s hope I’m cautiously optimistic….either way it’s made the way I look at him do a 180 & I’m sure the love he was then able to feel from me helped him as well. Thank you so much for sharing, it is indeed a nice feeling to be understood. (:
I have been reading your blog for years and “following” your life per-say and I just want to say thank you for posting this. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I feel as if most times my husband just doesn’t understand and it puts a block between us, i sat on the floor of the bathroom crying and reading this.
Thank you for writing this. It hits close to home on so many levels. My 5 year old son has a tic disorder which the doctors have said may lead to OCD/ADHD in his older years. I’ve always worried on how it will be when he gets older, not just with his peers but eventually as a life partner, family man. It gives me hope that with therapy and partners like yourself, he will be ok.
Along the lines with marriage, I realized a few years ago that what people portray to the outside world about their marriage may not be what is really going. Thanks for the inspiration.
Natasha:
This post pulled my heart strings. I have felt the way you have. My husband was diagnosed with OCD/ Anxiety/Depression. We’ve been married for 6 years. Throughout these years, I always thought, “Why are we not a priority?” (We have two children), among other thoughts. Not only OCD, but depression combined was a difficult battle. Fortunately, my husband and I after several battles and I can’t do this moments decided to work together. We opened up communication and I am able to understand him and so is he. It’s a tough road, but we are working hard. I wish you both the best!! Sending love!
Such a great post! Thank you for sharing this personal experience that I know will touch a lot of people and a lot of people can relate to it. Not just spouses, but friendships and the relationships people have with their families. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything (besides my vision problems, my skin disorder, and hearing impairment) until I was almost 20 and then got diagnosed with more after that. I have been diagnosed with ADD, Bipolar (my anxiety is my high and my depression is my low), Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Fibromyalgia. I just found a new doctor who isn’t entirely convinced I have CFS or Fibro, so just to make sure, he has been sending me for all types of tests I was never sent for by my old doctors. So I hope to get concrete answers soon. Either way, all of it has affected my relationships, friendships, and relationships with my family. Most people just don’t understand and don’t try to understand. I am so happy that Peter found out what was going on with him, sought help, and you both are doing so well 🙂
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So glad to have you back writing. I really enjoy reading your wonderful heartfelt blog! I love listening to “Kane” and love reading your stories! The two of you are truly a picture of what marriage should be. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
Natasha! Great blog post! I love your transparency. Thank you for sharing your life with us! I’m glad to hear that things are getting better for you. I myself am guilty of looking at someone else’s life and wondering why cant I be her. Why can’t I have this. To know I am not alone in this is refreshing. While I am not married I enjoy the realistic look on marriage that you and your husband have shared with me. Love you girlfriend!
Thank you for sharing your experience and for you husband sharing his. Your depiction is my life. My husband heard yours on the radio and it prompted him to share your blog. We can all do our part by creating awareness through sharing our experiences. The tougher side is helping your partner become aware. Thank you again!
Thanks for being brave enough to share the valleys of your marriage. We all go through them, but we’re not all brave like you to share them in such an open forum.
I, too, faced a hurdle in my marriage that brought my husband and I to the brink of divorce. My husband had an emotional affair and believed he had fallen out of love with me.
Like you, I leaned (heavily) on my Christian faith to give me the much needed strength to look beyond my hurt in order to repair our marriage. You mentioned that you got to a place where you realized there is a limit to your “unconditional love.” I am so proud of you for realizing that place doesn’t exist, or rather, you should question the finality of that place.
Christ’s life and message was about sacrifice. When our egos are hurt, and when our needs are neglected, it is human nature to say “this isn’t fair.” But marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. There might be periods when you’re giving 100% and your spouse isn’t. Your human nature will cause you to say you deserve better than this. But Christ always gives you 100%, even when you forsake Him, or forget about Him, or curse Him. Love your spouse the way Christ loves you- even if that means you get nothing back.
My husband and I will celebrate our 4th year of marriage this fall. And like you, Natasha, I am grateful for our trying times because we are now stronger than ever. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing.
I wish that I were able to write with such openness and honesty. The feelings you had are the same feelings I have/had. I too thought about giving up, walking away, but something (maybe it was God, who knows?) kept me like you said, “on that path.” We’re working on things together and I am seeing light in a situation that I thought would only turn to darkness. It is comforting and hopeful to know that others have gone through similar things and have come out on the other side. Thank you so much for this.
I can’t begin to describe how thankful I am to have come across your blog from listening to P this morning! Me and my husband are high school sweethearts (together for 13 years but been married for 3 years this May) and just had our first son last June. I’ve always known that he has OCD but feel like his OCD has become much worse after our son. Just recently I’ve felt the breaking point where I too can’t handle this anymore; like you said “that’s it… but deep inside we know that this is not it” I felt exactly like that and every word you wrote on the blog is exactly how I felt but couldn’t have put the words together. Thank you so much for explaining OCD, I can understand it a little better and now have hope. I’ve been putting faith in god and been asking for his guidance. Now I’ll research a bit more about OCD and hopefully won’t be as frustrated. Thanks Natasha!
Natasha,
As I listened to your husband share such a personal experience with us as listeners on the radio show this morning. I couldnt help but feel so inspired! I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in October and have been fighting through pure anxiety and depression (so deep and dark compared to anything I have ever personally experienced) for the past 3-4 months I have been fighting my way on and off of heavy medication that was perscribed to me by a “pain center”. I became a whole different person and life has been very ugly. My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and we have 3 little boys. We almost didnt make it. We are still fighting to find our way out of the darkness and back into the light. I am finally finding ways to naturally make myself feel better in the life of fibromyalgia. I was refered to an angel in disguise through acupuncture and have never felt so much joy and happiness by going to a doctors office before.
Driving into work this morning listening to your blog could not have come at a better time. I want to thank you again for being so inspiring! Please tell Peter I said Thank you!
PS i am shocked to learn you have fibromyalgia too, i hope you have found your of relief to the pain if you haven’t tried acupuncture yet I wouldnt mind guiding you with information on how it will change your life for the better 🙂
I am so glad you shared this post. I was crying reading this as my husband of 7 years and I are going through a rough patch as well. We have been through a lot in those 7 years including his addiction and recovery that has still left me emotionally scarred. I hope and pray we can start counseling again to get back to that place where we can show love and respect for each other and not just go through the motions of work and kids. Your story and given me hope on a morning where I was deep in reflection of everything that was missing from my marriage. I am going to try to get my husband to read this so he can understand at least a little bit of my emotions and the outcome I would like us to have. Thank you so much for sharing! Xoxo
Thanks for allowing P to share this. Reminded me of someone that has had to deal with similar challenges and I’m grateful that like you she hasn’t given up on me. Thanks for sharing your journey.
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Peter Kane is a lucky man and I happy for both of you. Most people today just give up on each other. A marriage is a voyage where the seas can be sometimes rough and sometimes calm. People need each other in this world. My wife is disabled but I do not see her disability. We both have shortfalls and we support each other in our own ways. I love her for who she is and not who she could be. I have been happily married for 27 years. I feel we all also have to be careful to not allow our children to be the complete center of our lives and that we continuously make the time and effort in strengthening the relationship with our partner. After the kids are grown up and living their lives, as we grow old, our relationship with each other must sustain us and we should not be emotionally dependent on our children into their adult lives. I also believe how parents treat each other will directly reflect on how our children view relationships and the world. Being a spouse and a parent is a tough job but rewarding. My very best wishes to both of you and God bless.
What a courageous post! Many of us are glad to see you blogging again – you are such a beautiful writer. I am a fan of the show and have been following P (and your blog) for years. I didn’t know when he spoke on the show about his condition that it was as serious as you described. If anything, your post helped listeners have a better understanding of OCD. I’m glad to see your struggles have turned a corner and you can see the light again. Remember, he needs you just as much as you and the girls need him. Hugs!
Your post resonates with me because, unfortunately, I am the one suffering through OCD. I’ve always had ‘obsessive tendencies’ and have previously taken medication for depression but over the past couple of years my ‘obsessive tendencies’ have gotten out of control to the point where it is very much affecting my family life (married with two kids), socially (with regards to friendships), physically (weight gain among other things), financially (wasting money) and at work (for the government). My husband has been pushing me to get professional help for a while now, even to the point of threatening to tell my mother about the extent of my disorder (or at least what he has seen), but for a number of reasons I have been resistant – not enough hours in the day, embarrassment, fear. I keep believing and hoping that I can work through this myself but I can see the affect that it is having on both me and those around me and it’s terrifying. I am so lucky to have an amazing husband, two beautiful girls (ages 2 and 6), loyal friends and family, a good job and I’m jeopardizing and ruining it all due to a compulsion that I can’t understand or control. As a spectator looking into my life I can so easily see what the problem is, what the triggers are/were, how destructive my behavior it , but there is something in my brain that prevents me from behaving like a rational person who can control their own behavior.
Thank you for being brave enough to put out there what you and your husband are going through and for giving me this forum to share my ‘story’ – I wish you and your family all of the best and when I feel like I’m fighting through this alone I will refer back to your post and the associated comments for strength.
I can tell you that the ONLY thing that saved us at this point was him getting properly diagnosed & treated. If you to email me where can talk more offline. (: natasha(at)littlepinkmonsters.com
Ironically I just sat down to look at my phoneto take a break from packing and came across this. I’m packing to move out while my husband is at work. This post resonated with so many emotions I’ve felt recently and for my own sake I’ve taken the step to get some space. I can only hope the space will bring resolution eventually.
Thank you so much for sharing. If you have any advice for how to walk thru this I’d love to hear it.
Also ive attempted to contact your husband about getting the name of the dr he saw because I think my husband would benefit but he hasnt responded (I know hes busy)… would you be able to help? 🙂
Hi jj, why don’t you send me an email and we can talk more that way. I’d also be happy to send your along that name… (:
This was one of the most inspiring reads I have come across since being married a little over 4 months ago. We hit a rough patch early on and while I was not considering leaving I was questioning why us and why so early. Thank you for your transparency it is much appreciated. I love your blog and I love the Kane Show!
Hi Natasha,
I am a loyal listener of the Kane show and loyal reader of your blog. I have been missing your posts and this just made my heart hurt! I just got engaged to a wonderful man and we are getting married this September. This post is a serious inspiration and I love your honesty. I will be saying those vows soon and as much as I want to think that we won’t have the same problems one day, that is not reality. My fiance says that the best way to decide what we want our marriage to look like is to learn from other couple’s experiences, both positive and negative. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Hopefully there are only blue skies ahead for you 🙂 xo Emma
Natasha,
First of all, I am SO happy you are back. I’ve been anxiously awaiting your next post and for this to be it is just so amazing. I have been married for 1 year (exactly on 2/21/15). I was with my now husband for 4 years prior to marriage. He struggles with bi-polar disorder and extreme anxiety. He was diagnosed early on in our relationship. It was very hard on our relationship, for him and for me. So many times I didn’t know what to do to help him. He didn’t know what he needed. Sometimes for weeks at a time he would hardly get out of bed and then when he did get out of bed he would work 24 hours a day – non stop as he was on what they call a mania. This sent us to therapy and 2 break ups before we were married. I did a lot of soul searching as did he during our break ups. We found that we needed eachother, no matter the hard times we were going thru, no matter the ups and downs his disorder would throw our way. Sometimes it feels like we will never get out of this rut but then there is light and when the light shines it is the best feeling in the world. The dark may come but it never wins, unless we let it.
I applaud you and Kane for being public with your struggles. You have such a beautiful family and that brings hope to a ton of people going thru hard times that thru hard times comes the beauty that is life.
Thanks Natasha!
-Kayla
Thank you so much for sharing this inspiring post. My husband and I are currently in therapy and I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This gives me hope.
Thank you Natasha for sharing these thoughts. I have been with my husband for 19 years and married almost 17 years. I could really relate to a lot of what you had said. We have been going through a lot of problems for the past 3 years but have managed to work through them. As your husband was reading it on the radio today it really made me realize that at times I have taken my husband and our marriage for granted. Thank you for reminding me of how lucky I am. 🙂
First time blog reader; such an eloquently written post. I heard your husband share part of it on the air this morning which was no doubt a God incident (I usually don’t listen to his station when I have a kid in the car). The portions he read resonated so deeply with me- so many similarities to my own life!
My husband and I are going on 9 years of marriage, we have two young daughters and… he suffers from anxiety. I knew something was not right early on; however, he was quick to dismiss it and chalk it up to the normal daily stress of being a man in today’s society. It took him a long time and a lot of patience on my part before he made the brave decision to seek help. He was diagnosed with GAD, participated in counseling and was even on medicine (briefly). However, the stigma of seeking help for anxiety (and the initial “I’m cured” feeling) led him to discontinue his counseling/medication. At the time, it didn’t seem like a terrible thing as he had grown and learned tools to help him when the fire alarms were going off in his brain. Of course, life goes on- we had a second child, our parents encountered major health issues, grandparents died and his anxiety came roaring back. The strategies he learned no longer seemed effective.
We have been in our most recent rough patch for about a year and I am tired. Taking care of and loving someone with anxiety is hard, is rarely discussed and can be so lonely; however, I truly believe God uses valleys to show us how strong we really are. I have personally grown so much in the past year and have made taking care of myself a priority. Running has been a great outlet for me (and I have never been a runner). It’s amazing how people can change which of course gives me hope for my marriage. I continue to pray that my husband will open himself up to seeking help again. Until then, I’m extremely appreciative of your willingness to give a voice to the “spouse’s perspective.” Means so much to me and to others going through similar circumstances. Blessings to you and P as you continue on your path; may the clouds stay away and the sun shine brightly!
Hey Natasha,
Beautifully written post! I am long time listener of The Kane Show and recently discovered your blog. I also have ADHD but was not diagnosed until I was 31. There are so many feelings that come with the diagnosis but for me the biggest was it provided a sense of relief. I work for a local (Lanham, MD) non-profit called CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), http://www.chadd.org. CHADD is currently running a social media campaign using the #oneof15m and asking people to “show your hand” in support of those with ADHD. We would love it if you, Peter, etc would help us spread the word so CHADD can continue to help those living with ADHD. Please give me a call if you have any questions, 800-233-4050 or send me an email. Thanks! Katie
This post is incredible. So raw and genuine. Thank you for sharing. And for keeping it real – for showing that life is not always butterflies and rainbows. But if you can stand to dance in the rain … God’s perfect plan will always be revealed in the end.
Thank you for this post today. I needed it beyond what you could imagine. The last statement really touched me “I see a person with whom I’ve been to war. And we both know how lucky we are to have come out together.” While my situation is different this touches it on so many levels, you often lose sight of the “partnership” in a marriage and lose sight of each other. I wish ya’ll the best!
I’m new to your blog and if not for your husbands show I wouldn’t have found you. You say you have a connective tissues disease I don’t mean to be personal but I have a daughter (30 years old) who has been recently diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos syndrome. Is this similar to what you have?
Hm, I thought I knew all of the connective tissue diseases but I’ve actually never heard of that! I’m sure going to look it up now though! I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago & a Small Fiber Neuropothy as well as an Undifferentiaed Connective Tissue Disease 1 and 1/2 years ago at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida. Now my rheum also suspects Sjogren’s Syndrome might play a part. (it’s an auto-imune disease)
Hi Natasha,
About a year ago I went through a sudden and still unexplained episode of bi-lateral optic neuritis. They did many tests (numerous 2 hour long MRIs, spinal tap, x-rays, CT scans, an abundance of blood work) but no answers. It’s possible I may develop MS later on in life, although there are no other signs at this point.
Anyway, when I was dealing with the stress and fear, I did some research and came across this book: http://www.amazon.com/Wahls-Protocol-Autoimmune-Conditions-Principles/dp/1583335544/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1440083279&sr=8-1&keywords=wahl%27s+protocol . I know that you aren’t dealing w/ MS, however this book can apply to all chronic issues & auto-immune diseases. So I wanted to share, in case you haven’t come across it before.
It’s a great book & I’ve been following the nutrition plan in it for a year. I started out very dedicated & didn’t stray- I felt amazing, the vision in my very impacted eye returned to normal much faster than the doctors predicted & I haven’t had any other issues. Since straying from the plan a bit lately, I still feel good, but can definitely tell the difference when I choose to eat certain things. It’s worth a read if you have time & I think the idea that what we put in our body is the root cause to most of what we feel & diseases we end up with makes a lot of sense.
I just recently started to listen to your husband’s show and found you through his page and decided to check out your blog and when I read this it really hit home for me. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, April 12th. In 2008 he began having seizures and thus we began a long road of doctors, medicines, treatments. In the past seven years we have found no rhyme or reason, only different medicines to assist him. During this time, I hit a low…thinking of what my life could be, how different he used to be. I compared everything to before the seizures. For what ever reason, we may never know, he has now only had four seizures in the past year. His doctors have cleared him to drive again, to work again. He is coming back to what he was, it will not be overnight. But the best part is I am coming back to I was. We are currently finding a new church, because unfortunately as with some things, you distance yourself to what gives you comfort. We still have a ways to go but after reading this, I have a restored faith we can make it. Thank you!
I heard your husband’s side of the story today, I’m so sorry for what you all are going through, may God help you both get to better places and support each other for the best of those two precious little girls. Have faith, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
God bless.
Fer, thank you for your kind words, they mean more than you know…
So I guess this article is total crap since you are getting a divorce. Poor Peter and poor Sam&Soph. I don’t think it is at all acceptable to keep children away from their father.
Jessica, please don’t be naive enough to believe what you hear to be truth. This article was written from my heart, it was true then & now. Peter has been not only my husband but also my best friend for the last 10 years. Having someone you love hurt you is hard enough, but the cruel part of divorce is part of your family, that you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your life is gone. It’s bad enough that I miss him but I have never, and will never let my girls have to feel the sadness of missing their father.
I read this and am sadding by this.as a man who fell 16ft and landing on head and arms my life has changed.brain damage and losing job,kids,wife cause I changed.
Headaches continue 24/7 and dealing with questions on why I survived this accident.I traveled to LA for 3days to see why I live for.my twin boys were the answer.I h8 my ex for turning her back on me.I won’t leave this world til I become a gr8 dad.
I wish you well,those kids love you and your husband.just keep them happy and stay positive,always forward never backwards.
Gerry, I’m sad too. I’m also very sorry life has been tough for you, it’s not always fair but hopefully all of us will have better time ahead. Take care.
I just read this and it’s beautiful. I also listened to the Kane show this morning. What happened? You sounded so committed just 5 months ago when you wrote this.
I was & am…that’s all I can say. Thank you for coming here with an open mind, I appreciate it more than you could know. (:
Natasha, having recently seen all the comments around your split with Kane and coming to your blog and reading this post, this post is so honest and true regarding marriage and love being affected by resentment. People are so quick to judge based on what they see on the outside but they do not see all that has led up to it. I personally know from experience that over the years, the hurt builds up and that changes your love and perception of someone and it can truly kill a marriage. I hope that you are not taking all the mean comments to heart because they nor I or anyone else except you can truly understand what you went through. It doesn’t matter who is to blame, who should have done what. Over time, love chips away when a problem is not resolved and bitterness and resentment is like a plague. I am myself trying to deal with a similar situation. I hope we find a solution, but your words really hit home. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what you need
A, we will find a way. I know it. (;
So, I’m a listener to your husband’s show (ex-hubs now I guess). He revealed the divorce, just wondering about your side of things. Since there is always two sides to every story. That’s all.
Hi Susie, yes there is another side, there is the truth but there is also a responsibility that our girls have to come first. I won’t forget them as my priority…thanks for being open to more than you hear. I do appreciate it very much.
Natasha,
You are an idiot. You are the reason why men don’t trust women. First off thanks for the scripture it shows you may have a bit of soul. I am also very glad that you have suddenly developed an in depth understanding of how OCD and ADHD works. You can go write a book now. But what does that have to do with you stealing and squirreling money away?? Trust me I would have serious anxiety if my wife was steing money that I was working very hard for and trusting her to pay the bills with and if course get upset! The way you brought up the germs phone thing also let’s me know that you are all about damaging his reputation and wanting to use every little thing he has said playfully on air against him. If he has been formally diagnosed with those conditions you made it worse with your mean spirited, plotting, stealing and conniving behavior. I would never say that about the man who works his butt off for me to stay at home with my children and run a silly blog. You are a very stupid woman I really hope the divorce goes through and he gets someone who will support thin through thick and thin. OCD and ADHD my ass. Thief!!! Shame on you
Dear Truth Hurts, yes, as you have chosen your name to be the truth does in fact hurt. It hurts so bad, you have no idea. Your comment makes me sad because there are probably a lot of men who didn’t take the time to come find my blog and leave a comment but probably felt like you do. All I can say is, aside from being very mean, you’re probably a pretty intelligent person. You cannot believe everything you hear. Radio is theater of the mind for a reason. Next time you want to slam a woman with such harsh words you need to sit, think, and make sure you know what you’re talking about. I’m sorry you fell for something so one sided and untrue. Please don’t comment again if you’re just going to be insulting, it does neither of us any good.
Natasha I’m sorry for what your going thru. I’ve been thru a divorce and the only victims are the children. My divorce was very difficult without the difficulties of it being highly publicized. Good luck and remember this too shall pass. Best wishes
Well isn’t this post ironic now.
Yeah, I know right? It’s sad but it’s all true…my post I mean. There has been many a night where I ask myself a lot of the same questions and the truth, I don’t know why this happened at all and I most certainly don’t know why it happened the way it did…so publicly.
Sounds like you have a lover on the side to me.
HA!! Oh Larry, that literally made me lol. That would be the most neglected lover on the planet.
Gosh, I love this. It’s so real and so much of it I’ve felt but you have a way of explaining what my heart haven’t been able to.
I’m not married yet, but have been to “war” with the father of my child for 3years now. It may not seem like a long time but we were thrown into the fire very early in our relationship. Thus, we’ve had to learn each other quickly.
We’re no longer officially together, but somehow we are always…together. He was unfaithful but I feel I could’ve worked through that if he had put some effort in to do so at that time. I feel the real reason we have not come back together is for what you said. He loves our daughter. I know that he loves me. But he’s not loving me the way that I need it.
I don’t feel he supports me the way that I support him in daily life or my long term goals. As much as we match sometimes, laugh, make love…something always feel missing when I’m in his presence.
Yet, we hang on. For the baby? Partly. Maybe because we’re familiar with each other and the unknown can be scary. Or…maybe the love is REAL. I just don’t know anymore.
But thank you so much for this read. And I hope that this finds you well. *Hugs*
Ok so what happened now?
I know, right? I ask myself that almost every day Michelle. It wasn’t what I wanted, but that’s all I can really say. I just posted, finally, this has been a very thing to go through personally but then to have it all aired out publicly, and so falsely, that was beyond brutal. I’m still confused by it but it’s time to move forward. To try and grow, what else can you do right? Force someone to stay?
unconditional love….
VERY NICELY written — I feel your love and your pain.
First I would love to say I am a fan of your blog, I’ve been following your blog for sometime now! With that said I’m also a huge fan of the show as well ( 7+ years)
This post has been written beautifully, I can hear you as you speak and feel your pain. Ive read what they have said about you and I think it horrible, there are two side of every story and reasonings as why we do things in order to protect ourselves. Only you know what you’ve experienced and endured! I believe we need to love ourselves for the sake of your children, I wish you and your family the best of luck! hold your head up girl
Alejandra, thank you for your kind & encouraging words. And I’m going to remember “we need to love ourselves for the sake of our children”…that’s actually something I thought I had to put aside in order to get them through this. Thank you, very very much.
Natasha:
This was a beautifully written blog- you have some real writing talent.
I must say in reading the comments though, and knowing very little about your personal life, I agree with you that people have no right to judge your personal life without knowing it.
However, I’m a little baffled by your continued claim that you are shocked by the publicity surrounding your divorce. Your husband is a very well known radio personality who’s show (however fantasized) is predicated on the listeners knowing the personalities personal lives. The idea that a man who regularly talked about his wife and children would never discuss his divorce is unrealistic.
Now perhaps his acusations are not true (though my experience would say it’s probably not totally off from reality), but I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to blog about it now. Especially if your being unjustly vilified. Maybe it would help some women in a difficult place.
You were willing to blog about an extremely difficult time for the two of you and offered intimate details of his life, but not now? I do understand your concern for your children’s knowledge of the “gritty details”, but as a child of divorce – of a radio personality – I know you can’t protect them from it forever.
This is not a judgement, just a thought. People will be terrible to you, and that’s unfortunate. But still others can learn from you. It’s part of being a public figure (even a small one).
Wishing your family the best,
Andy
Andy, I don’t know quite how to answer your questions so I’ll just go for good old fashion blunt honesty. What was said was untrue, all of it. It was beyond hurtful, it was…devastating. I also come from a “broken” home so I hope you’ll understand what I’m getting at…children need a father. Especially in difficult times like these. No matter how angry I was/am or how much I want to…well, strike back, I have to protect that relationship, for them. I do hope one day to tell my story for precisely what you said, to help other women who find themselves in my shoes but I have responsibility to my girls that their best interest will come first.
So what is the truth? I listen to his show but the day it aired was my birthday so I wasn’t online that day. I haven’t heard anything since that time because I never catch the show in its entirety. I listen because of the “realness” but if your personal business was aired falsely then I don’t want to listen anymore if the integrity is compromised. I just came across a blog today while I was looking for “War of the Roses” and that blog mentioned what happened on the 24th of July. That post led me to your blog here. I just want to know if I’m listening to “good” people and you did those things to him or if he was being mean-spirited and just upset because you left…
DeAnna, my girls adore their father & I never want to make them think otherwise. I encourage to enjoy the entertainment for what it is…entertainment. Take care, and thanks…
Unbelievable, that you left him. I have listen to that guy and his crew since I returned to the DMV in 2007. I could hear the love in his voice every time he spoke your name. All he gets in return is dumped. Its so unfair how women these days treat those vows. “For better or worse, until death do us part” then you steal all the money and the children and vanish. On top of that you invoke the name of Jesus. I thought of all people Natasha, you and Peter were the exception not the rule. I was wrong. Thanks for confirming that marriage sucks for all of us men that have wives that lie through there teeth on wedding day.
Dear George, I hope one day you’ll learn to not believe everything you hear. Don’t worry, I won’t hold my breath waiting for an apology, even though I deserve some incredibly large ones from not just yourself.