On most days there comes a time, usually after school when the house is bustling & everyone is at home together, where my little angels, Samantha & Sophie, try to kill each other.
I’m serious you guys. Although not like, ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ one another, but certainly inflicting bodily harm kind of intentions. These two are best friends, worst enemies. It usually happens something like this, “NO! Sophie I had that doll FIRST! Give it BAAACK!” “No, you didn’t! Mommy! She snatched it!” “Mommy!!” “MOMMMMMMMM!!!”
Then I have to do the stern mommy walk up the stairs, to the scene of the crime & I use my mommy spidey sense to figure out what really happened. I start to unravel the conflict by separating them & talking to each individually. The one who took it to the code red level will almost always get the “It’s not ok to (insert crime here, ie hitting, kicking, yelling, smack talking & occasionally tongue sticking out at) I understand that she made you very angry, and I’m going to talk to her about that, but I want you to think about what you could do differently next time something like this happens. You can come & talk to me instead. I will always help you work it out. There is always a ‘higher road’ to solve conflict, it may not be the easiest, & shoving your sister might feel good for a second but you’ll pay for it later, even if she deserved it. YOU are in control of your actions. YOU are in control of what happens after someone hurts you, even if what they did was so very wrong.
You see where I’m going with this?
After being married for 8 years & knowing my husband for literally, a decade before our marriage, I never, in a million years, thought he would be capable of hurting me so much. Every week it is a fight to not let the anger take over. Oh my friend, I SO see how women go through a nasty divorce & somehow turn into a cesspool of resentment towards men. How does Taylor put it? “I still have scars on my back from your knife” There’s been a lot of Taylor playing in my mini van. How a twenty-something can so perfectly articulate every bad relationship any female on the face of the planet has experienced, I do not know. But I’m glad she does.
My point is this, when you are faced with what feels like an insurmountable situation, is when you really find out who you are. I was me during the happy years, & I was me during those tough years but they did not truly strip away all of the cozy layers we often wrap around us to feel better. Nice cars, pretty shoes, a dream home…all things that I had to make me feel better. Even when we would be going through a tough patch, I still found comfort in the thought that we were still us, he would come back to me eventually. I even relied on my children to soothe a wound. So yes, I was always “me” but it wasn’t until all of those crutches were stripped away, that I got to see who I really am. The same is true for him too, he’s been faced with a lot of hurt, which has turned into anger, & I’m seeing who he really is. Although I still hope that he’ll find a better way.
Do you watch ‘The Voice’? I love that show, the girls & I made that ‘our show’ & there were so many beautiful performances that spoke to my heart & brought me to fighting back tears. I probably downloaded a dozen of them to my itunes but by far, the one that I’ve played over & over was Jordan Smith’s performance of Jessie J’s “Who you are”
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah,
‘Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising
There’s nothing wrong with who you are
Yes, no’s, egos, fake shows
Like woo, just go, and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight
With a smile , that’s my own
That’s my own, no, no, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising
Just be true to who you are, yeah, yeah, yeah
There will come a time when this battle will be over. Whether we settle or go to court eventually it will be done. I believe that one day my heart will heal, one day I’ll be loved the way I deserve & when this is finished & the dust has settled I do not want to look back with shame & regret. “Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart, tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising, it’s okay not to be okay.”
My heart breaks when I think of our children & what their innocent little hearts are being put through, just typing that put a lump in my throat because I can’t protect them from experiencing the inevitable consequences that occur when a marriage ends. So when I’m faced with pain, yet again, instead of following the path of anger & striking back I think of my girls & in those moments where I’m in that storm of emotions & I want to hurt back so he can feel what I’m feeling, I try very hard to instead think of Sam & Sophie. They are my compass that directs me out of the storm. The one thing that always immediately trumps those ugly intentions is knowing that the best thing I can do for them is to be their rock. I can be the steady ship in the storm we’ve all found ourselves in. Giving in to revenge, anger & resentment not only will do me no good in the long run but it would also take a part of me away from my girls when they need all of me more now than ever. When they’re older & they’re looking back on this time difficult time the best thing I can do for them is to be an example of strength, forgiveness, compassion & unconditional love. Don’t get me wrong, this is something I have to remind myself of almost every day & I’m not perfect, I don’t always get it right, but, “it’s okay not to be okay. Sometime’s it’s hard, to follow your heart, tears don’t mean your losing, everybody’s bruising, just be true to who you are.”
My favorite break up song is Julieta Venagas- Me Voy. That song helped me through a lot. Your amazing. It will get better 🙂
Wow, so good. You’re strength in this season is an inspiration. I pray for peace and healing for you and your girls. Keep your head up in this season, you are doing an incredible job. Sending love to you all during this season. Here is one of my favorite scriptures that I lean on during hard seasons: “Be strong and courageous. Don’t fear or tremble before them, because the LORD your God will be the one who keeps on walking with you—he won’t leave you or abandon you.”- Deuteronomy 31:6. I hope and pray that this encourages you to lean into God, he is the one that can comfort you the most. He loves you and is with during this time. I hope you and the girls have a Merry Christmas and a happy New year! – Hannah
Hey Natasha, I really loved what you said. its very hard to think of the glass as half full but i think your doing it so beautiful. stay positive
I’m so glad you’re back! Your posts have always been amazing and helpful (even if I’m not currently going through the same situations as you). I always remember your posts and go back to them when I need them. Thank you.
Welcome back Natasha!❤️
Natasha… I am SO glad you posted. I am in the same situation; it is SO hard to take the high road sometimes. SO. FREAKING. HARD. I want to fight back, I want to inflict the same pain, but yet I know that it will just make things ugly. So, I just take the high road. Offer grace. Again and again. And wonder how in the HELL people who don’t have God in their lives manage through hard times, because I have such a new and real understanding of the phrases like the “peace that surpasses all understanding” and “You are my strength” and so many others… But, like you, each time I’m tempted to retaliate, I think of the impact on my daughter, and what SHE needs. She needs two parents who can co-parent together amicably. Who can go out as a family to dinner on occasion and get along. Parents who can both take her out together for a birthday dinner, who she won’t have to worry about being in the same room at her graduation, at her wedding, etc. I don’t ever want her to feel like she has to choose between us and therefore, I have no choice by to offer some grace and have faith that God will work everything out, and that it is not for me to do. Like you telling your girls to come to you to help work out the problems, I’ve spent a lot of time going to my Father to work out mine.
I wish we knew each other IRL. I think we could be a great support to one another right now…
It is so hard, and you know what, I screw it up too. But I still am trying…
I would love to meet in ‘real life’!! Send me an email (:
you are teaching your girls to be a strong woman. they are so lucky to have you as their role model. have a wonderful holiday!
YAY! So happy you are back! You will overcome all these hardships and the truth will prevail! #TeamLPM
It’s hard to take the high road. Somehow I managed to do it and guess what? When my girls got older, they saw their father for who he really is. It took over 10 years, but they discovered the truth on their own, and he is now paying the price. It doesn’t make me happy, but I do feel relief that they now know, and I don’t have to feel guilty about being the one to tell them, and he can’t accuse me of poisoning them against him. Sam and Soph are smart girls, and if the time is ever right, they’ll see the truth, and they will handle it the way they see fit. And they’ll know that you were and always will be their rick. Karma at its finest.
It’s hard to take the high road. Somehow I managed to do it and guess what? When my girls got older, they saw their father for who he really is. It took over 10 years, but they discovered the truth on their own, and he is now paying the price. It doesn’t make me happy, but I do feel relief that they now know, and I don’t have to feel guilty about being the one to tell them, and he can’t accuse me of poisoning them against him. Sam and Soph are smart girls, and if the time is ever right, they’ll see the truth, and they will handle it the way they see fit. And they’ll know that you were and always will be their rock. Karma at its finest.
I get that Kristie, I’m sorry, that must have been so hard. Thank you for sharing your experience from the other side of this, it’s good to hear & helps, xoxo!
Glad you’re back! I’m sorry that you’re going through a lot of hurt and I hope that it gets better soon. Praying for you and the girls and even Peter. I hope that he can come to the right conclusion about how to treat his family. I know when my mom and dad separated (I was a baby) it was messy, and my dad got custody of me. He never spoke poorly of my mom. I came to my own conclusions one day and confronted my mom with my issues. She was a jerk to my dad all of the time they were together and after. I forgive her for all of that, but I have to take her with a grain of salt…that trust is hard to get back and her true person isn’t that good of a person. So, finding that out on my own made me appreciate my dad so much. My views on my mom were my own. I hope that your girls don’t have to experience the same resentment to Peter that I have towards my mom…but I also know that the more he tries to hurt you, the more he hurts them. My prayer is that he’ll realize that. I used to be a fan of his show, and have been a LPM reader for years. When this all blew up, I knew I couldn’t listen anymore. That may seem unfair, but I know he’s being dishonest and it makes me sick to think about the pain he’s caused. Keep being a good mom, you’re already great at it, and the girls have an awesome role model in you.
Thank you for sharing Sammi, your kind words & personal experience mean a lot to me, xoxo!
So glad you’re back! I really love how you framed this with the example about how we coach our kids through situations but then when we find ourselves in the “adult” version of the situation, how do we handle it? This is such a good reminder for me – I need to be the best version of myself, we can’t change how others will behave. You are such a wonderful, exemplar momma! Thanks for sharing your heart with your readers. <3 <3
Thank you for those sweet words Erin, your comment put a smile on my face! (:
<3 I'm so glad that not only were you able to recover your prior posts, but that you were able to establish a new safe space as an outlet. I cannot imagine what you're going through, but what I do know is this grace will serve Sam & Soph so much in the long run. I am certain you have your moments where you want to scream, cry, & call him every name in the book, but at the end of the day you are a wonderful person that will persevere and come out stronger than ever. For every negative person, there are 5 positive in your corner my dear. Let us lift you up when you need it.
Thank you for the kind words Allison, they warm my heart today! xoxo!
<3 <3 <3
Sending you and your family lots of love! Keep at it! You are amazing!
Thank you Mel, sending it right back at ya! xoxo!
I have been following your blog for a long time and I am so glad you are back!
When I was growing up( I have lots of sisters!) my mom always insisted that after a fight, we would forgive each other( kiss and make up) The next day she would ask about it. No grudges allowed. This taught me that you can be really angry with someone, but you have to get over it and be nice to each other. (Take the high road). It does not mean that the other person did not do something wrong. Teach kindness, not holding on to bad feelings.( It only eats you up inside and brings you down). It sounds like you are doing this with your girls. You are a good mom.
I wish you happiness this holiday season.
Maybe the girls could each invite a friend over to play after school.It might help cut down on sisterly trouble!
I’m glad to hear other sisters have to do the same thing, thank you for sharing, xoxo!
Natsha,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I can only hope for you and the girls that things get better. My parents also separated when I was around 16 and my father never told me anything about what was going on in the divorce or talked bad about my mother. My mother on the other hand had no nice things to say about my father. I have confronted her about this several times and nothing has ever changed. We no longer have a relationship due to her personality. I praise you for taking the high road for you and your girls. They are very lucky to have a mother like you. When they get older they’ll know the truth and understand a little bit more.
P.S. I’m also super duper excited you got your blog back! I used to read it all the time and listen to the radio show. Needless to say after everything blew up I lost a lot of respect and stopped listening to the show and then when your blog went away it was even worse. So happy for you to have your outlet back. Everyone needs that one thing that helps them.
Happy Holidays!
Sara, thank you for sharing your story & memories. Reading about yours & others experiences has really helped me to stay focused about whats really important to them. Happy Hoidays to you too!
Glad you’re back to posting! Someone once told me to. when I’m mad at someone type up that intended email or text and send it to myself; that way I’ve let out all I’ve wanted to say to that person but I’ve been able to save face and ‘play my cards right’ does that make sense? Anyway, I am so about the #teamlittlemspinkmonster life! 🙂 xo
That is FANTASTIC advise! Hard to do in the middle but I’ll try it!
Glad to see you back. Love your idea. Love your ability to find grace.
Natasha,
I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Reading this entry my eyes watered & I had to stop my racing heart. I am going through something similar (not the same situation) but similiar circumstances and the high road is difficult. It’s the road less traveled for a reason, it’s so much easier to just allow your emotions to take over. It was so hard for me to lay down and suck it up for two little, innocent souls, instead of attacking back. Reading this reminds me of why I do what I do. I remind myself everyday that there is karma & I hope one day the sweet babies will see all we’ve done to keep the peace.
Maybe this will help you as it helped me: they may have won the battle, but our (killing ’em with) kindness will win the war.
Xoxo
Sarah, thank you for sharing something so personal, hearing that you’re in the thick of it too brings comfort for me in knowing I’m not alone either. xoxo!
Please get a grip and cut many paragraphs. It’s really not that bad and it wasn’t that perfect.
Bluehill, I’m sorry you feel that way & hope you also can find a ‘high road you’…
So glad you are back!! I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. BUT I can tell you, as a child of divorced parents. Taking the high road is the best option. I was lucky enough that my parents didn’t get into any ugly fights, and learned to co-parent. It was nice being able to have birthday dinners, graduation celebrations and any milestone events, as a FAMILY. I never had to worry about them getting into an argument or being nasty to each other. It was a truly a blessing and made all the difference in my life. I hope that you and him can find that peace, for your daughters. Best of Luck.
You don’t know how much this blog meant to me. I am currently facing a divorce that 4 months ago I would have never thought was a possibility. I have been battling so much hurt and sadness it’s so hard to put a smile on for your kids when you are in the middle of such a dark storm. Although I would never wish divorce on anyone it’s so nice being able to relate to others going though the same struggles, knowing you’re not alone.Thank you for encouraging me to be a better person. I can’t control my husband and what he does to hurt me but I can control me and my actions. I need to set the best example I can for my son when dealing with his dad because he is more important than my pride!
Thank you Breanna, I also find comfort in knowing we’re all in this & we’re all going to be okay…I hope others will also know we’re right with them. xoxo!
I very proud of what you are doing for your two beautiful girls, they are going to truly know what is to be a strong woman. There are too many woman out there that let the heartbreak get the best of them and they end up not only hurting themselves but their children as well. Like the song says “it’s okay to not be okay” as strong as we are it’s also okay to have our break down moments. It’s okay to release some of those emotions in a healthy way, whether doing it on your blog or more private setting with family or friends. Keep doing what you are doing you are doing a great job being a strong, wonderful mother and I know your girls will thank you for it as they get older. Stay positive.
Am glad you were able to get this new blog up with your all your original content which was stolen from you.
Your family, friends and followers KNOW how important LPMs is to you. This is a clear example of what has been happening consistently for the last year or so, we know the constant DAILY struggle that you have been going through.
We are ALL so proud of you, and Love you and the girls VERY much, you lost yourself a bit but have recently become so strong AGAIN.
Stay the course, don’t lash out.
he has given you SO MUCH ammunition! but DO NOT use it
I told him after you were married “DON’T HURT MY NIECE” and he said “I won’t” …liar.
Love you.
Your Uncle….the Hot one.
I love you hot uncle, thankyou for being there for us, we love you too!
When the dust settles the truth rises. You will come thru this stronger than before 😊
Is it fair to say the crutches have been stripped away when you still live in the house, drive the car, have the nice things? Or has that changed? It’s wonderful that you’re taking the high road, but please be real about your circumstances… There are plenty of women who have to move in to a tiny apartment and get a job right away to fend for themselves after a separation/divorce. Pretending to be in the same league as them is offensive.
Amy, everyone’s struggle is different & while I may not have the same financial struggle that my mother had as a single mother raising me I do have my fair share. I have no family here & now my husband & best friend has gone too. I will always ALWAYS be 100% real with you. My girls and I are very blessed, I’ve never pretended that I don’t know that but you need to be real too, the lack of money is not the only thing that justifies whether or not you can deem your circumstances as being in whatever “league” you’re referring to and the blessing of money (not that I need to tell you this but my new car was taken away & I don’t know how much longer we will be able to stay in this house) does not mean you don’t have it hard. One thing I have learned to be true is that I am in NO position to judge any other woman, or man. I hope you can learn that soon too because your comment was pretty harsh.
I loved reading this post, it was so touching.
For me a song that I think must have been written for me is called “Amar por ciegas” by Arcangèl.
I don’t know if you’re fluent in Spanish but it goes like this “now that I don’t have you I think about all the time I wasted with you- because I loved you like I was blind, I didn’t listen when everyone told me even a pretty rose has thorns”
The whole song is about how his life was destroyed by the one he loved and he’s hating himself because he didn’t listen when everyone told him that’s she’s was no good.
That is exactly what I went through! It brings me to tears thinking about friends and family begging me not to marry my ex. But stupid me I saw the good in him, but there is no good in him. They were right all along.
I’m sorry but I’m still in a bad place myself. I tried and cried and begged God to change his heart, I wanted him so bad and I fought so hard. Someone you loved so much and sacrificed everything for, only to turn around and rip your heart out of your chest. I know you understand that kind of pain.
But, as my priest said to me recently, maybe it wasn’t in God’s plan for it to work. One day I will know it was all for a reason. Visiting websites like this helps a lot.
There is also a quote I heard recently that stuck a chord in my heart, a poet wrote “one day my love gave me a box full of darkness, it took me years to understand that this too, was a gift”
I have been so torn through all of your situation. For me I am busy professional and none of your situation is my business so I don’t get as personl as some other people may be. However, I do like his radio show and I do like LPM. I am chosing to like both of you and not take sides on something I would pretend to know something about….the life you both shared. But the one thing I find annoying? (for lack of a better word) is that both of you seem to focus or make statements about the other as being not good. I read your uncle’s post, and of course he is your family, but…..it made me kind of think. I am a spiritual person and I believe God gave us all gifts. You show us your many gifts here on LPM, use the gifts you have to get you through this change in your life. I imagine that you and he BOTH made a ton of mistakes along the way. I challenge you for one week to not let a negative thought pass through your mind, out your fingers, or mouth regarding this situation. Only speak, right, and think of all of the positive things about him or about your life, your kids, the country we are blessed to live in. If one week seems to challenging start with one day and work your way up. Positivity brings healthy change and is uber powerful.
peace and positivity to you,
signed-none of my business..or anyone elses.
As a 26 year old that survived her parent’s divorce at the young age of 5, and a father spending 13 years in jail, I can tell you the one thing that will help your girls be ok. As hard as it is, and as badly as you may want to, do not ever speak ill of P when the girls are around. Even if you’re on the phone in another room, or in another part of the house entirely, be mindful that they hear more than you think they do and there is nothing more detrimental to their spirits. Let them love their father in their own way. You and p didn’t work out but your girls don’t have to suffer for that. He gave you them. You have them because of him. So to them, he is their other half. When they get older, they will make their own decisions about who he is and the situation you both went through. They’ll have questions, and they’ll understand in time, but let them do so on their own.
I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for all of you. I watched it first hand and I saw the pain my mom faced daily. She is the strongest person I know, and the most resilient. She survived. You will too, I know it!